Stupid Short Update...

Not doing so good....
Still in love with him....
He still doesn't care.....
I'm still not worthy of him anyway.....

ABC!!!

So I figure it is time to post again even though I don't want to. I hate updating when I don't have anything good to say. And I really don't have anything good to say. But I figured you guys deserved an update. I have been binging like crazy and deserve the weight I have gained. However it is not going to continue! I hate the way I look! I hate the way I feel! And I most certainly hate that I am not good enough!

All I want in life is to be thin and happy. I can't be one without the other. It just doesn't work that way for us. And I hate that I always feel like no matter what I do I won't be good enough until I've lost 5 more pounds, 10, 20, 40, 80...... It's never enough but I'd be happy with 5 at a time.

In reality I know it will never be enough but at the same time I don't really care. I just want to be thin and frail. Beautiful.

This post has jumped around so much and yet I haven't really said anything of any value. So here is something of value. I plan on starting ABC on Wednesday. Now you might be asking why Wednesday and not tomorrow? Well my Mom is coming in tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint her so I figure another day of eating won't hurt considering what I have already done. Plus I have been really doing some serious cleaning in my room so soon I will have enough space to workout everyday.

One day I might be thin enough
for you to sweep me off my feet
but until that day
I will try harder then ever
to become your equal
to become someone worthy of you.
I want to be that girl
the one that takes your breath away
but only yours
cause I only have eyes for you.

Thinking Thinky Thoughts

Ok so I tried to update yesterday morning... but it didn't work... So here's how things are so far... I broke my fast mid way through the second day, which sucks but I'm still proud that I even made it that far. I have never really been good at fasting. However I am down to 197.0 again so that's good.

I have a concert tonight and it's the last time I will see Peter until after the new year. But I have found my motivation. It comes in the form of a picture. Peter packing his ex-girlfriend through the snow. And I mean he's tiny but her? She was so fricken skinny it hurt me. So everytime I look at that picture I loose my appetite, because I know that he would never be able to pack me like that. So it motivates me to walk a little faster, eat a little less, and most of all... actually exercise.

So here I am giving you guys an update while I wait for the hot water to replentish itself. Well I was going to update you guys after showering.... but if I did that it would be like maybe 5 words long.

So now I'm going to end this one with a question. What are your favorite cardio and strength training exercises?

PS: I'm not answering until my next post just to add some suspense.

Blarg!

I did so good yesterday... and you know what my reward was? another weight gain!! Back up to 197.8 FML.

Anyway now I am super stoaked about this fast. Cause I need to get the weight off. Who knows if things go well we might even wind up extending the fast longer, which would be sweet.

Now just so you all know I really am not that positive. I just know that if I don't say it will happen it definately won't happen. So I just pretend like it will be alright and sometimes it turns out fine.

But alas I am off to work again.... Cause even though I quit my second job I am working 45 hours this week and 47 hours next week..... CRAZY!!!!!

Anyway I hope everyone particiapating in the fast does well with it, and everyone not participating does equally as well.

Cookie Monster

Damn those cookies yesterday. I'm not sure how they found there way into my mouth but they just tasted so good.... and I was hungry :(

Though on the plus side I'm still at 197.2 so not a huge gain. And I am planning on doing a liquid fast for the duration of Tuesday and Wednesday. Anyone who wants to fast with me just let me know. We'll do it together.

I however am going to have to appologize for how short this is... but I have to get to work. And I'm not taking any money with me... cause then I can't buy food. So I can only eat what I take.

The Bus

So I would like the record to clearly state that I have been updating so much simply because I have people following and commenting. 'Cause let's face it no one feels like updating when they think no one is listening.

Anyway I totally forgot to give you my bus ride update last night. And I don't know how I forgot cause it had me downright pissed off. So here I am standing at my bus stop waiting, and this morbidly obese woman stands right beside me. Now I was packing a rice cooker at the time (it's part of my sisters Christmas present), and she starts going off about how she needs to get herself a new rice cooker. Then she sat right across from me on the bus and starts talking about the kinds of rice there are, and how when she went to a nutritionist a couple years ago the nutritionist told her to eat such and such a kind. And how after going to the nutritionist and watching too much Dr. Oz she became a real crazy health freak. And I just kept nodding and smiling cause I didn't want to hurt the poor womans feelings by telling her that she doesn't look like she has ever eaten a health food in her life. I mean seriously? How can you be so oblivious to your own size?

On that note this morning I was 196.8 yay me!

Blah blah blah

I feel like the biggest failure. I had a decent day and then I got home about an hour ago. I was going to have a small bit of rice to satisfy the hunger monster.... but I wound up having a bit more, and a bit more. I mean it was still probably only a cup and a half but still. It upsets me that I don't have the control I want. But it makes me happy to know that I didn't just binge completely when I easily could have... and I did think about just eating and eating and eating.

Anyway I was unable to weigh myself this morning because I had to leave super early to get shit done. So I'm all anxious cause I don't know what I weigh. I don't usually get anxious about it.

Update from last night though. I did some pain management today. I went and got my wrist pierced, and a second lip one done. However the wrist one may have to be taken out and redone, cause it might not heal properly, which sucks.

So here is my question(s?) for everyone in the cyber world. What do you find motivates you to exercise and stick to your food plan? And second, how do you go about fixing your broken hearts?


PS: I know this is super short so therefore I must add some volume to it by writing depressive poetry.

I scrolled through your pictures
the ones I just found.
You look so sad these days
I always wondered why.
You seemed happy in those pictures
holding her tight.
Did she leave you, gone
left you to cry?
You looked so healthy
now you look tiny.
I have this burning want
to just make you smile.
I want to be small enough
to fit into your miniscule
bright pink sweater.
I want to fit perfectly
wrapped in your arms.
Yet I have so far to go
just to get to that place,
it seems like miles away.
Yet maybe both our sorrows
would be erased if I could get there.
I just need to take an extra step
everyday to get there sooner.
We will be one
one tiny couple.

Tears

It's horrible wanting to die, but not killing yourself simply for the fact that you don't want people to remember you as fat.

I have slipped back into a rather depressed state, and have been sitting here just crying. Mostly about how I'm not good enough enough, how I deserve nothing, how I hate myself. Just dumb shit.

I'm at about 600 calories for the day and I feel like shit for that, but logically I know its less then half what I really need. And it was all healthy. So that's good.
I was 197.4 this morning.... which is also good.

But I need to go cry some more and just get it out. Hopefully the next post is happier.

Peter

So I met Peter a while ago, about the first week of September, and it never really hit me how thin he really was. I mean he is a truly beautiful being, and if I wasn't so sure he was gay, and so repulsed by myself I would likely jump him. Anyway moving on. I only see or talk to him once a week cause we both attend the same music group, but lately it's like he's lost weight. He pants are really loose and baggy, even with his belt on. His sweaters hang off his fragile frame. And when I hug him I can feel all his bones. Now there is that part of me that wants to shove food in his mouth and make him swallow so that he isn't so tiny. But then there is the bigger part of me that says, "but you know that his size is part of why you think he is so attractive." And I know that if I could have it my way I would be the same size as him. And I will be. But right now it kind of scares me to see what I want to become. Does that ever happen to any of you? Now Peter and I don't talk a lot, we have our small talk, our Thursday night hugs, and sometimes a few texts throughout the week. But part of me wants to be with him all the time, because I feel ashamed to eat when I think about him. I feel like I am failing because of how tiny he is, and how obvously not tiny I am. I just want to be his equal.

Anyway on another note. I have lost a little bit more. This morning I was 198.6 yay me! So I have decided that I am going to make it my goal to lose 2-4 pounds a week until my birthday (January 8) and from then we will see what happens. But with this new found confidence, and Peter, I think I should be okay. Plus all of John Kristopher's fantastic energy helps a tonne too. Anyway I still want to work out a bit before bed.

Intake for the day:
PB&J Sandwich: 175
Pickle: 0
Cheese: 75
2 Oranges: 75

Total: 225 (What? Really? Hmmmm... I'm okay with that)

Success?

So I know that it has been almost a month, however I finally have some good news. I have finally broken the 200 pound barrier. This morning even after eating I was 199.0. I can't even remember the last time I weighed under 200 pounds. which means 1 more pound and I will have lost a total of 35 pounds. Though it really doesn't feel like I've lost anything. I am still fatter then a whale. On another good note though I am having a treadmill delivered today (finally!), which means I can walk, jog, run, whatever even when its -40 outside. I also have a new found need, desire (sorry I really couldn't think of the right word) to just get rid of the weight. To become pure and thin and beautiful.

On another note I would like to welcome me first (known) male follower. John Kristopher. His blog is http://hausofbones.blogspot.com/ he is a truly remarkalbe young man and I am happy as a duck in water, to have him here.

Moving onward. I have quit one of my two jobs. Mostly because I'm working full time at my other one and partly because they treated me like crap there. Also I bought a pair of jeans the other day didn't try them on or anything size 14 on with no effort. Love it.

I can't wait for the day that someone walks up to me and says wow you are so skinny. I'm working on it harder then ever.

Ana's Wisdom:
Don't just set out to do 10 sit ups. Set out to do as many as you physically can. And then do 10 more after that.

Eat just enough that you don't pass out. If you pass out you can't work out. And if you pass out people start to worry, and if they worry they will ship you off to be fixed.

Edit:
My treadmill has arrived, it isn't as advanced as I had originally thought but it is going to make me work. I'm super excited but it needs to warm up so I don't completely trash it right after having got it. But I plan on going on it after I get home from Harry Potter. In preperation for HP I have only eaten a PB&J sandwich today, on low cal bread, so a total of about 200 cals. Not too bad for a fat chick.

120th Post

So here I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. Still the same. I will be changing things here as I go on a journey. I'm hoping that starting tomorrow I will be able to set rules that I can stick to. Rules that will become my essence. An essence that will be a thin, beautiful girl. A girl who can blow away in the wind. A girl who will deserve you, a boy who's name I do not know.

This blog has thus been a bust. I have been blogging for months, and yet I have only lost 30 pounds. That isn't good enough in my eyes, and you all should expect better from me. It makes me sick to think that this is a pro-ana blog. Because it isn't it can't be pro-ana when the owner of that blog is not anorexic. So it will stay named as it is, as I get closer to that achievement.

Ana's Wisdom:
Each day that you eat a little less, or workout a little more, is a day that you crawl closer into my arms. Is a day that you get closer to all your dreams coming true. I know you want your dreams to come true, all you have to do is become thin and everything you ever wished for will come true. You will be beautiful and you will be loved, but most of all you will be wanted. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are too thin, because you can never be too thin.

Hopefully I will be able to post again soon with some good news. But until then I hope you are all doing well, and know that I will be trying my absolute hardest to become better, thinner, stronger.

100

So this is only going to be a short post basically celebrating that I now have 100 followers. None of which I deserve since I fail time and time again. Yet I feel strong and empowered. I want to do better for every single one of the 100 of you guys. I feel like I owe it to you guys to do better. I owe it to myself to do better. I have about 100 pounds to go so hopefully I can lose a pound for each of you out there that is cheering for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

walk a little faster,
eat a little less
hope everyday that
tomorrow will be the best.
I wish this pain would go away
that I could make it leave.
Yet here I am starving
only wanting your attention.
walk a little faster
eat a little less
starve a little more
become a little smaller
so one day I'll deserve you.

Comes and Goings

"Move your toes or something," Ana hisses in my ear.
I sit watching my movie.
"You fat cow look at what you just ate."
After working six days straight I felt entitled to a few crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips, Ana felt other wise. I tried to ignore her.
"Sweetie all you have to do is go into that bathroom kneel over and bring everything back up." Me said sitting next to me, eating her enormous chocolate bar.
"Just go for a walk please! You are going to get fat just sitting there doing nothing." Ana pleaded.
I remained in the same spot pretending I couldn't hear them. It was my day off, I had to work the next thirteen in a row I could lose weight then. Right now though? I just want to sit and try to recover some energy. I was exhausted.
"If you don't go into the bathroom soon nothing will come up 'cause you will already have digested it." Mia stated quite simply.
"Just a quick walk around the block." Ana whispered.
"Would you two just shut up for today? Tomorrow I won't even be home and there for will not be able to eat. I need one day of just doing nothing 'cause I am going to be damn busy starting tomorrow."
Ana and Mia both looked at me in shock. I had never been so harsh with them. But the rest of the night they sat looking at me watching me eat nothing more. I had eaten a few small things earlier but nothing really substantial.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as you can assume I will be working the next 13 days straight. Some of those days at more then one job. I also have a rehearsal and a concert in that time. I hope I live through it and come out slightly smaller from the effort. Any way it is time for bed cause I am exhausted.

Oh Barf

So I did something strange and new to me today. And it was scaring and alluring. I purged for the first time ever. I don't even remember what made me walk into the bathroom, lift up the seat, kneel down one hand holding back my hair the other bracing me. But it was surprisingly easy. I gagged once, and then I wasn't just gagging. After I finished I rinsed my mouth washed my hands and went back to the living room.

Yet after I was done I didn't feel any better. I still feel fat and disgusting. It's not that I weigh anymore, it's that I have been eating crap and staying the same weight, it makes me feel horribly guilty.

I guess I have hit a point where I can turn back into Ana's arms, or go straight to Mia's arms, or have them both embrace me. And right now I'm not sure what I want anymore. Cause I always tell girls not to purge, or that I wish they would purge less. But now I don't know anymore.

Possiblities.....

So I know that it's been a while. And it hasn't been because I've been doing poorly. I'm so close to my next goal that I can metaphorically taste it. Yesterday I ate around 300 calories and worked for over 11 hours. It was a good day. Today however will be a true test of my will power. I have the day off, and have so much food in my house. But I can't leave my house because I moved over a month ago and still haven't finished unpacking, so I have to do that. I'm just so worried that I'm going to slip up and ruin my progress. So I think that while I am unpacking and cleaning I will watch movies that make me wish I was thin and have a pair of my goal pants out where I can see them.

The plan for the day food wise is between 200 and 500 calories. And I would like to fit in some kind of work out in.

I want to hit my goal by Monday. And I am only 3.8pounds away from that so it is possible. I just have to stick with it.

Sorry, Please Try Again

So we aren't even going to talk about the several chocolate bars that found their way into my stomach. However today has been pretty good. I'm at about 400 calories, and am planning on eating a solid 650-700. It feels like so much, but after my horrible binge yesterday, it's a good get back on track number. I also think I shall go for a long walk tonight since I didn't work today. But I'm going to go make myself some salad to eat once my sister gets home so she will see me eating. She is still suspisious that I am having problems with food. I still can't believe I screwed up so bad yesterday. Anyway I will do better, so I can be thin.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!

Holy cow... can it be... another good day.... two in a row?!?!?! total for the day 450 calories.... I am in shock.... that's all I really have to say.... WOW! (Sorry in total shock)

Success

I actually did reasonably well today. About 400 calories, however I am seriously lackng in the drinking water part of my plan. But I worked both jobs today and it was tough, it is exhausting.

Other then that I don't really have anything to report. This is such a lame post lol.


Yet another poem by me. Just to beef up my post.

A need started within me
and grew into an action
I starved myself to become happy
my heart was slowly breaking.
I wanted you to save me,
and need you to take me.
But you never came
so I continue trying
my very hardest to be happy.
Yet for some reason
there is something missing.
I think it might be you.
I'd hate to think you left me
all alone to deal with this.
Yet I have no other choice
I'm rid myself of sin
the only way I know how.
I'm starving for perfection
changing my direction
hoping it will lead to you.

A Plan? That might actually work?

So I have made some recent decisions, with a little help I might add. I have decided to start out a bit slower and gradually get better.
So my new rules starting well..... today:
1. No eating after 7pm
2. Workout at least 4 times a week.
3. Eat less then 900 calories a day, including liquid calories.
4. When hungry eat calorie free foods.
5. Cut back by at least 50 calories every week.
6. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
7. Drink at least 1 cup of green tea every day
8. Drink at least 1.5 liters of water everyday.
9. Say no to food at least twice a day.
10. Think thin all the time, to help stay on track.

I may change a few, or add more, we'll see how it goes. Now I had a question on my Letter's to Ana post, Ana is just my reference to my problems with eating. It was just a fictional letter to no one but me.

Job?

ok ew. So I am currently doing the salt water flush... yeah the only word to describe it is gross. Drinking the water is gross, the effects of it are gross, but hopefully it will take off a few pounds. Cause if it doesn't take off any weight I won't ever be doing it again.

So as you all probably guessed I haven't really been ding ABC, however I have been pretty restrictive. And I am walking a lot more then I usually would so I have seen a little bit of weight come off. Cause I had gained about 5 pounds back, so I have almost lost that in these past 4 or 5 days. Anywho I have to go I need to find something I can put in my tummy so that when I go for my interview at Applebee's I don't get tempted, or have a growling stomach.

Luck and Love

Potato

So today after BellaAna's divine intervention, I have eaten 1 small potato with a little bit of margarine (about 75 cals), and will be leaving in half an hour to go to work. IT also took me nearly 40 minutes to eat said potato. I feel really good about today. I plan on walking to the bus station after work instead of taking a bus there. So that will likely be a half hour or more of walking (I'm not quite sure I haven't walked it yet), and then I will have some swiss chard (it's like spinach), about 35 calories of that to make my total for the day a meager 110Cals! If I can stick to that I will be so happy, however I am going to boost that total to 150 just incase I'm like crazy hungry after work.

I love being on track and focused. I'll update you guys once I get home (it will be edited into this post), just to help keep me accountable.
~~~~~~~~~~~
EDIT

So I slipped up a bit today. But I managed to stay at about 500 calories. So I figure today was day 1 of ABC. Tomorrow I will do better. The plan is to be under 200 by October 1. Let's see if I can stick to that goal. I'm about 209 right now, maybe a little less. It's going to take hard work and dedication. If I could prove to myself that I can do that? Then it proves to me that I can do anything.

Letters to Ana

So after binging for the past couple of days I feel rather unqualified to even have this blog. However I need this blog. It is becoming an addiction. Just the way Ana keeps luring me in. I am just lacking self control. However my dear friend BellaAna reassured me that we all fall screw up sometimes and that we just have to keep believing in ourselves. She has been helping me so much lately, and I want to keep thanking her over and over again.



Dear Ana,
I continue to fail you, yet you stay with me. I wish that I could be more faithful to you, but it's just so hard. My life would be easier if I could, so why do I continue to go against you? Maybe because this is still new, or because I am trying to be rebellious, but whatever the reason it is tearing me up inside. All I want in life is to be thin and beautiful just like everyone else, and with your help and divine inspiration that should be possible. Yet I keep failing you. But for tonight know that I am going to bed hungry for the first time in a long time and that I hope that this will at least bring a smile to your face.

Love Always
Rae


PS I will try harder in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry I'm so pathetic guys, but Iwill try harder, I will do better.

Real Update

So I thought I should give you guys a real update. Yesterday was both successful and a huge failure. I ate some noodles for lunch(340cals) and then I didn't eat again until about 10:30pm. And we all know that eating at night is bad. I won't even tell you that intake, but it was when my success happened. I was eating away at my KD and realized that I didn't even want anymore. I threw out about half a cup of food. I have never been able to throw out food like that. I also had a rather large chocolate bar. However it opened my eyes. I eat because I'm bored not that I'm hungry and not that I want to eat. I eat for something to do.
So here I am now at 3:30pm after a horrible night for eating, and I have nothing in my tummy. I haven't even felt the need to drink my diet Pepsi that I bought just to have a diet fizzy drink.
I have also fell madly in love with Supersize vs. Superskinny again. I keep watching episodes online, and thinking how can those Supersizers get to that size. I mean I am in between the two extremes. But I know which end I would rather be on. I keep looking at how some of the superskinny's eat and think.. "I could do that. If I just tried." And right now I feel like I can do anything. I am planning what to eat, what to say, what exercises to do. I just have so many things running through my head. And I know if I get hungry drinking diet drinks will make me feel full.
So I can't remember if I told you guys why I was away. My computer kind of exploded in my lap and need to be repaired. So it is currently being fixed (it needed a new mother board), and I am playing on my new lap top.

So with all of that said my plan for today it
Lunch: 1 slice of bread with tomato 55cals
Supper: soup 60cals
Snack: 1 slice of bread with cheese 100cals
total: 215 (but we'll round up to 300 just in case I eat a little more or add some crackers to said soup)

So 300 cals for today is the plan. It's exciting.

Exercise for today: 30 minutes of walking
50 of each crunchs, leg lifts, modified push-ups, reverse crunches, and squats.
30 minutes of dance

Yay for eating little and actually exercising. But I'm going to go wash the dishes and eat my lunch. But first a poem for thought.

I opened my eyes
ran to the bathroom
something had to change
the numbers weren't any lower
tears stung my eyes
I looked at my self in disgust
I hated my body
I skipped breakfast
I went for a walk instead.
I fabricated dishes for lunch
I did crunches instead.
I ate some soup for supper
but threw it up in the bathroom
The emptiness was growing
surely my bones were showing
yet when I looked in the mirror
only fat and lard was there.
But soon it would be gone
soon I would be nothing
but perfected emptiness.

Failed Attempts

Still alive?
unfortunately
Still fat?
sadly yes
Feel like dying?
Everyday

I wake up in the morning feeling fat and disgusted, and yet often I eat like a fat pig anyway. But that's all about to change. I have the space to work out. I have the means to work out. I will now work out. And I will make it work. This is it, my final attempt to change everything about the way I look.

This is the Way the World Works

So it's been a while since I posted but I really haven't felt like I am posting to anyone. I mean yes this blog is for me more then anything, but if no one is reading it, it feels pointless to talking to the empty net. Anyway I think I will ramble to the empty web anyway.

So the last couple of days have gone well eating wise. I made a resolve on Thursday that I had to get back on track, that this whole failing thing was not acceptable. Since then I have been doing reasonably well. Which makes me happy to post.

I have one week before I move to the city. I am terrified. It's the city I have always gone to growing up... but to live there? I mean there will be a lot more opportunities, and I'll be able to meet more people, and different kinds of people. And for the first while I will have complete freedom because my sister isn't moving until she finds a job, so I will be able to literally eat nothing and get away with it. I'd love to lose 10 pounds before she comes back, but it means lots of work and lots of dedication.

SO I have packed three suitcases of clothes, and two smaller duffel bags, and still have a tonne of clothes that aren't packed. I really need to get rid of a bunch. I think I'm going to start drinking a fruit smoothie that is literally just fruit and ice, so that I am getting all the nutrients and minerals without the dairy fat. As well as eating only veg for dinner, and maybe a little bit of rice or dry toast. I'm going to try to stay under 600 calories, but vary it day to day. I don't know, I just want to find something that I can really stick to that is going to work. I have so many beautiful clothes that I want to wear but can't because I'm too fat.

Sorry empty net, I've been rather rambly. I'm just going to end my post here, because I don't feel like putting in the effort to write a story, poem, letter, whatever.

Recently I have felt like I am in an eating spiral that I just can't get out of. We are moving in two weeks and we have to get rid of a bunch of our food, which of course means I am eating far more then normal. It makes me feel emotionally sick, I can watch my thighs expanding, and my stomach bulging, but at the same time I don't want to have to throw out the food, because it makes me feel bad. So do I feel bad cause I'm getting fatter (which I can fix), or for throwing out food (which I don't have the money to replace)? I'm in such a predicament, it sucks. Anyway, I know that isn't what you guys want to read. I found the most triggering video on YouTube, and it is where I have found my untold goal weight. It has remained untold because I know if I say it this will be more real, more scary.

So I have started packing, and have packed 16 boxes of books so far, and still have more to pack. I need to get rid of stuff. I also back a huge suitcase of goal clothes, which freed up a lot of space in my closet, it's amazing, however I have so many fat clothes that my closet is still full. I want to be able to start getting rid of them soon. I can give them all to my sister, cause no matter what I will always be smaller then her. Even when I weighed more then her I was still smaller.

Now is the best time for me to be starting a new life, a smaller life. I am moving, and no one knows me where I am going, no one knows the old me. I can become anything I want to be. Anyone I want to be.

I was with my friend for a few days, which really kind of sucks, because she is thin she's between a size 3 and 5, and she keeps talking about how she has lost 5 pounds and now all her clothes fit better, or how she needs to lose 2 more pounds before her 18Th. I am just like shut up, I am so fat it isn't even laughable. Yet she always tells me I'm not fat, that I am gorgeous. I hate how friends always lie to you. They just try to make you happy, but by lying to you they are setting you up for disappointment.

Moving on, I know you all like stories so I thought I'd treat you with one.
~~~~~~~~~~~~

It had been a few days since I had seen Ana, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see her again. We had had an argument, and she had left saying she wouldn't be coming back. So far she hadn't been back.

"I've been watching you."

I jumped startled. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"I could never leave you forever. I just had to prove my point."

I looked at her questioningly.

"That you don't have any self control without me." She said placing a boney hand on my fat arm.

"Thank you for coming back to me. I can't promise that I won't fight back, but I can promise to try, and I can promise that I will slowly get better at listening to you."

Ana smiled. "You will try, or you will always be fat." She said sternly. "But you will get better with my help."

I nodded, I was going to get better, and I was going to get thinner, and I was certainly going to reward myself for doing just such.

I grabbed Ana's hand, not for the first time, but hopefully for the last time. I didn't ever want her to leave me, and if I wasn't careful she would do just that. So now I would have to start trying to please her and only her. Because pleasing her meant getting what I wanted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And I will get what I want.

Short Update

OK so I have been doing good and bad lately... First off on Monday my sister and I went into the city and looked at 4 places, one of which we are both in love with so my sister gave the landlord cheques for everything for this month and next. This place is perfect; 3 bedroom (mine would have a walk in closet), one and a half bath, its upstairs and down so we wouldn't have to worry about our neighbours so much, and it has its own laundry facilities. Now some of you might not think that's great but to me it really is. Any way to continue on with the good news, I am still losing weight (not fast mind you but it is still going away), I weighed myself when I got up and I was 208.0.... I haven't weighed this little since 8Th or 9Th grade.... so to me this is a big deal. However its how I've been losing weight that's bad.... I've been pigging out on cookies and the like and not really eating very much, but everything I do eat is horrible...

Moving on. So I met this guy last night, well actually I have met him a few times but last night my friend got us together because she thinks we'd be good together, and I have to say I think we might be good together too, and it seems he thinks the same way. He drove me home last night (although my friend HAD to come with us), and seemed sad that I was leaving. I just can't wait to see him again, which is tomorrow night.

But I have to go to work which is why this isn't going to be a special post, or a long one. But I figured you guys would like some kind of update. Eat clean girls!!

Hello World

So it has been nearly two weeks since my last post, and it hasn't been because I didn't have any good news. And it hasn't been because I didn't want to. It was simply because my computer was dead. I now have a new cord for it, and hopefully everything will be fine. So now I'm going to go through the last two weeks with you guys. I have been working constantly, which means I have little time for eating, which makes me happy. But even better then that, I have had nearly no appetite. However I have also not been working out, which makes me depressed. However I have lost some weight, and need to be happy about that and stay hungry for more.

So I am moving at the end of August (as long as everything goes according to plan), and I want to be under 200 by the time I move, which shouldn't be hard considering when I weighed in this morning I was 209.4!!!!!! Tell me that isn't progress. When I started this journey I was 233.6. Which gives me a total weight loss so far of 24.2 pounds. I think that is amazing, it is a start but the finish line is a long way away.

Now I just have to start working out on a regular basis and I should be okay. This month I succeeded in not gaining weight (first month I have ever done that), as well as getting one step closer to control.

However I feel bad because what I have been eating is crap... so to be losing weight and eating crap makes me feel like a fraud. But at the same time I know that the thoughts I have? They make this real. They makes this very real.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I walked down the street a smile on my face. My stomach wasn't as fat, my face didn't look as blown up, I was proud of myself.

"Don't look so happy." The voice I had dreaded hearing.

"But I've done so well lately."

"Done well?! You've been pigging out on junk food every night for the past week. You make me feel sick the amount of crap you are eating."

Tears stung my eyes. I knew she was right. "But I'm losing weight so what does it matter?"

Ana looked at me angrily. "What does it matter?" She asked incredulously. "It matters because it's all going to catch up with you at once and then all your hard work will have been wasted. You have the potential to do so well, and be so skinny. All you have to do is just do it."

I nodded. She was right she was always was.

"Now starting tomorrow you are going to go for a walk everyday, and do a little bit of strength training every night. Maybe if I start you off slowly you won't fail."

I nodded, I wanted so desperately to tell her I wanted to fast but I knew I would fail at that, I didn't have the self control to do it. I could want it but not do it, which is what always frustrated Ana.

"Thank you Ana," I said taking her hand and walking with her.

Ana always had a plan, and she would always come up with something for me. That was why I loved her, and she would never give up on me.

Onset

I walked down the street one day and suddenly realized what a monstrosity I had let myself become. That was the day I realized I had to do something about it. That was the day that everything changed for me. Quite often now I have good days, but I will look in the mirror and see something horrible. I woke up this morning went to work, but when I got home I looked in the mirror, and what I saw was heartbreaking and disgusting. I have been awake for 7 hours now and eaten 10 cherry tomatoes. I have weighed myself a couple dozen times, and simply want to break down and cry because of what I see in the mirror.

I see a girl who could be so pretty if she would just lose the weight. It is my resolve to start doing more. Since I am working now I am on my feet a great deal more which should help, as long as I restrain myself in the break room (Reese's pieces, tim bits, cookies, candies, etc.). I need to learn control and I need to learn it fast.

I am going to do a week of heavy restriction, between 200-600 calories. And work out everyday. I haven't been doing either lately, but I'm still between 214 and 218, so it's not like I have gained anything. But today it was like I was suddenly looking out through different eyes, because what I saw just did seem like it was me. I don't remember being this fat, I don't remember looking like such a whale. I don't remember ever feeling this bad about my body.

Something has to change or I will be depressed all my life. I want to be thin I want to be beautiful.

Woke up and looked in the mirror
watched the tear streak down my cheek.
Breathed in and watched my thighs jiggle.
Sighed and watched my belly wiggle.
Shuddered and my arms flapped.
I turned to see my back,
and saw the flab that was there.
My bum was no different
there was lard there also.
I stepped on the scale
the numbers were horrifying.
I stepped off, and stepped on again
the number was still the same.
Again I did this
but the number never changed.
The fat was there
but I was about to change that.
I walked out into the kitchen
and up to the fridge.
I looked at everything in the fridge
and decided everything was too much.
That was the first day I chose not to eat,
that was the day my life changed.
That was the first day of the rest of my life,
a life of control, sadness, and perfection.

Kind of Update

So my computer is currently working (crosses fingers), so I'm going to try and give you an update on everything that is going on here.

First of all, I'm pretty sure I have a job now. She phoned and asked if I would go in and fill out paper work, so I am doing that tomorrow. It would be great to not have so many hours in the day to be able to binge. Only down side is I'm moving to a different city at the end of August so I'll have to quit soon any way. Oh well. Once I move I'm going to take a beginners ballet class as motivation for me to do better, as well as an excuse to exercise because I have always wanted to be a ballerina. And yes I know right now I look the complete opposite of a ballerina.

Secondly, Josh has openly said I'm not his type. And oddly enough I'm alright with that. I mean he is 10 years older then me (which doesn't bother me), and we are looking for different things. So in reality it's for the best that it's not going to work out.

Third, I feel sick every time I eat. It's weird, sometimes I am actually physically ill. I don't like being sick, but at the same time it's helpful. I am eating less as a result. I don't mind eating less, I mean my UGW has changed dramatically. I want to be so tiny, and I have a number in mind for what I want to be, only I can't say because even I think it's insane.

Okay fourth, I am transposing music, and have finished one, and am almost finished another. It's going so well. I have also decided I want a new flute, which will take me a while to save up for because it's $11,600 before tax and warranty. It's a huge number, but what ever I want it and I will have it.

So lately I have been wanting to eat less, and exercise more, and it makes me happy because I know it should make the numbers less. I want to be better then yesterday, I want to be smaller then yesterday. I want tomorrow to be better. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want to be weightless. I want to be so tiny any guy can pick me up with ease. I want my ribs to stick through my too thin skin. I want to walk in the snow and leave no foot prints. I want to see double digits instead of triple. I want everyone to think I'm thin.

Sorry guys, kinda went old school goals there. Oh well you guys understand better then anyone else. Time to go do some kind of exercise before bed.

Problems

So I hate to tell you that this is going to be a short post but it will likely be short. Firstly my weight is remaining within a 4 pound range which is only good because I'm not gaining. But now onto my good news bad news. Good news 66 followers. 66 people following me that I don't deserve. And the bad news? Well.... I broke my laptops power coupler, which means now it won't charge. So I might not be able to update you guys until after I get it fixed.... which will likely be a month after I can get it into the city. Ok so more bad news. Crystal? Yeah she is a lying back stabbing b****. She has decided that we are competing for Josh. So I told her I wasn't competing with her. I already know she won't win. Because he has told all of us he would never take her home because she is dirty.

In other news. I am going through everything in my closet in hopes of getting rid of some stuff so I have less when I move at the end of august. I also want to be able to ditch some of these clothes in a month simply because they are far too big. I will do this!! I will.

Good Luck Girls!! DO well Whilest I am away.

To Be Fat Like Me

I have watched this movie before but watching it now, there were a few lines that really struck me.
"It's like when I'm fat I don't own my own body anymore. Everyone has a right to an opinion on it. What is that about?"
"I've been the fattest kid in my class since grade school. Eighth grade graduation they didn't have a gown that fit me. The only kiss I've ever had the boy was dared to. How are you supposed to feel like you are worth something, when you are told 15 different times a day you aren't."

I mean why does all of society dictate that we have to be thin to be beautiful? Why does it matter so much what we look like? Why is it that even if a girl looks like the wrong side of a monkeys butt she can still get a really good looking guy if she is thin?

I don't understand where all of this comes from. It's so wrong to think that you are worth nothing. But I mean it's true. How can you think you are worth something when you are told so many times that you aren't? I went for a walk tonight, and all I could think was why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be thin? Where on earth do these thoughts even come from?

I'm beginning to understand why I'm so unhappy. I hate myself which in turn makes me really depressed. It's weird girls usually think I'm really pretty, and this girl named Crystal (who I don't really know) asked Josh who he'd rather be with. I wasn't surprised when he said her, but she turned to me and was like "Oh my god. I wouldn't have asked him if I knew he was going to say me. I totally thought he was going to pick you." I put a smile on and told her it was okay. I fake a smile fifty times a day to make everyone else happy. But what about me? Who is making me happy?

I know that I'm ranting, but my point is, why does what we look like matter so much? Why can't it just be about who we are?

This does however motivate me to go workout. I want to b beautiful because it matters. I want to be thin because it matters. I will be a 12 by the end of July. I will be. Because I have a great pair of American Eagle pants, and I have never owned a pair before. Right I am off to clear a spot on the floor and do crunches and such until I pass out.

Do better then me, and you'll be doing well!
Stay Strong.
Be beautiful.

Fall to Pieces

So I guess I should say when I put poetry on here it is mine unless I say otherwise. I love writing poetry a lot of times it makes me feel a lot better, but other times it just confirms how I feel and makes me feel worse. I'm going to split this post into paragraphs. Each paragraph is something different I am talking about.

First of all I found out last night Josh is 9 or 10 years older then me. This fact doesn't bother me. What bothers me is this skinny pretty girl that was hitting on him all night last night. The fact that he was flirting back? Killer. I mean before she showed up he was hitting on me... I'd go to walk away from him and he'd smack my butt. She was also closer to his age, which is probably why it seemed to work better between them. Point is, I let my guard down got hurt again, I will learn eventually not to put my heart out there to get hurt. On the plus side I did a bunch of ab exercises when I got home as a result.

I am going through all of my clothes slowly, because I have to get rid of stuff before I move at the end of August. I want to get rid of everything I won't wear, and all my "fat" clothes. I know I'm still whale-like but these are the clothes that are way too big for me. Oh speaking of too big clothing... my 14's are starting to get loose. Yet my 13's are still way to small. Like so small I can't even do them up, can't even get them all the way up. Fat ass!

Um... I bought this really pretty dress a couple of weeks ago, its pink (which is a colour I just don't like) but I love it which is kind of weird. It's strapless, it's a medium, it definitely doesn't fit. Not even close. It will one day soon, okay maybe not soon because it's that much too small, but it will fit!

Oh, completely forgot, I'm taking Slim Quick Hoodia for the next 20 days (I started today), in hopes that it will help me lose a bunch of weight before the end of summer. Cause I would love to have to go pick out a new swim suit because mine is too big.

That's about all I have to update on, so here comes a letter.

Dear Mister Someone,

I'm writing you to tell you I hope you come one day soon. I could use your shoulder to cry on, your strong arms to hold me tight, your chest to sleep on, and your entire being to be mine. I need you to get here soon because I am slowly falling apart. I need someone to be around, I need someone to care. I need you Mister Someone, because you ar ethe someone I am waiting for. My patience it wearing thin, and the trouble is coming in fast. I want you around, so I can just be me, so that when the hunger comes you are there to chase that pain away. I want you to be around for everything, you will be my everything. Get here soon.

Love Rae

P.S. I can't wait forever, I need you now. Please don't take your time getting here.

So I have been re-evaluating my goals and the rewards that go with them. Now I have a lot more rewards and a few more goals. I haven't been gaining which is good. I am down to about 215, and I started at about 233. So I have lost 18 pounds so far. It's a good success but I have about 100 pounds to go before I hit my target weight. It's weird, I mean I know logically in order to be a person you must have a mass, but I want to be weightless. I want to feel beautiful, and to do that I want to be weightless, which is really impossible, but at the same time it's all I want. Okay so moving on from my tangent.

Last night I was out yet again, and our bar has a new bouncer (Josh he's been there for about 3 weeks now). Josh and I are getting to be good buddies. I was leaving last night and he gave me a hug and picked me up. I almost freaked out on him. My brain was like you are going to hurt yourself picking up someone so heavy. But he just smiled and I couldn't say it to him.

Moving on. I picked up a pair of pants from my thrift store on Thursday, they were labelled as a 14, which should fit. I washed them and everything and looked at them today, they aren't a 14 they are a 12 which explains why they don't fit. Oh well just another goal pair of pants.

In other news. I gave my older sister 3 pairs of pants that were too big for me. They are too small for her, it makes me feel good. I am also now weighing less then her. For long time I was between 10-15 pounds heavier then her. So to finally weigh less then her; it makes me happy.

Bad news. I ate a whole fricken pizza (it was a small thin crust) last night before going out, however I still lost weight! How on earth does that work??

I think I have decided to do longer updates that are more in depth. I like reading your guys long posts and then I realized how short mine always seem in comparison. So from now on I will be adding little things like poetry, or thinspo, or long rants, or maybe even parts of my past I think are relevant.

So I guess to make this longer I will add: A Quickie Poem?

The night is long
the sky is black
my eyes are filled with tears.
Thoughts of beauty
creep up on me
My thighs are far too fat.
Every night before I sleep
I pray to God
to wake up thin.
But every morning when I wake
my pudge it still over runs.
I fake a smile
recount the calories
hoping it will be alright.
But every day and every night
I don't feel thin enough.
But one day I shall wake
my thighs won't touch
my ribs will show
my hips will beautifully protrude
and I will have wings on my back
that people will call shoulder blades.
But on that day
when I cry
they will be tears of joy.

Train Track.

So I fell off the tracks since Sunday... but not to worry I will be better tomorrow. I will do better. I haven't gained too much, but I still feel horrible about gaining. I'm going out dancing tonight, it's my friends "Yay I made it through high school" party. Unfortunately, my sex drive is on over drive lol, so everytime I see anyone remotely good looking, I think about them in a sexual way. It's really horrible lol. Any way, thought I'd give you an update on my horrible fatness. Currently I feel really ill because of how full I am. Someone give me strength? I'm sick of failing... I'm sick of not being hungry.

These train tracks are going somewhere,
they're going to led there.
I wanna know where I'm going,
but it's a long way 'til I get there.
I'm on a journey
it'l take sometime to get there.
I plan on being beautiful,
I plan on becoming thin.
All the things I want
are at the end of these tracks
and I have to make it there.

So Done

I'm so sick of being treated like shit. I want nothing more then just die and leave no evidence behind. I want to be beautiful and thin when I die, so I can't stop yet. I am still so grossly fat it disgusts everyone, but me most of all. SO now I have to get serious... like really serious. I am getting close to another goal, and want to get there fast. So here is the plan. Swimming at least 3 times a week, weight training twice, and some other form of cardio 2 times for at least 30 minutes. And if I keep eating the way I have been (minus today, we had a family gathering for Father's day), I'll be set. Oh well I'm going to get it. I'm going to, because I have to to be beautiful.

Stress and Heartbreak

So... I am having a rather hard week. My sister has accused me of being anorexic yet again. I mean heavens must I always eat supper? Even if I am truly not hungry? I have exams and stuff due... and everything for school must be done by Monday... I am so stressed... and because of the stress my back is killing me. I have my rag (sorry TMI). I found out Mike's self esteem is so low he doesn't want to date at all for the fear of being hurt. Or maybe he just doesn't want to date a fat pig like me, not sure. I'm so upset about everything being out of control all I want to do is cut, except I hid my stuff when I moved in and don't know where I put it. On the plus side I am eating minimally. I don't even know what to do anymore.

I was going to binge... I had the water boiling... the noodles out... and just froze. I couldn't even binge. The one thing I could always do, and I couldn't do it. It was weird. I was pleased. It doesn't make me feel any less horrid.

Still a fat whore. Night all.

Losing it

So it's been a few days since I updated you. I've done pretty good this week, down another 1.8 pounds. I am finally losing steadily. Every week I weigh a little less and it makes me happy. Swimming is definately helping, I am losing inches and pounds and it makes me happy to know that this is working. I am also hardly eating, I am always hungry. And being hungry makes me happy too. I am just happy reacently. Not to mention the fact the I met this guy this weekend his name is Mike. WE've been talking almost non-stop since Friday night. He told me his favorite part of the weekend was meeting me (awe how cute is that?). Anyway, I want to go do some yoga before I lose the motivation, cause I haven't been swimming since Friday, our pool hours suck ass. Hope you guys are doing well.

Tummy Bummer

So this week has been going well as far as swimming is concerned... I have went 4 times already (week starting on Sunday), and will probably go once or twice more at least. Each time for between an hour and two and a half hours. I have already started to notice a difference in my arms and legs. But my stomach doesn't seem to want to disappear. Any ideas? I need to find an exercise that will get rid of it. I'll update you more later...I gotta go to swimming time number 4!

Stay strong!

Goodish News?

Well... we all have bad days, and we all have good days. Today was an okay day. I ate a third of a veggie burger, one potato, some veggies, a little bit of cheese, and some cotton candy. Not horrid. I also walked for a bit. So it was okay. Not good. Not bad. I went clothes shopping yesterday, and tried on a pair of pants in my 16 that I have bought for years, and had to get the sales associate to get me the 14's. I was so excited. Because I had bought a few pairs of 14's at my thrift store and had been wearing them for about a week, but to go into a store and buy 14's after trying on 16's and having them too big. I was so pleased with myself.

Sorry I have been rambling about something I am only pleased with. However this is no where near the end. I have a long way to go. I will pause to celebrate and then carry on.

To Be Perfect?

I want to sleep, but I know if I do the horrors will ensue. I want a sense of control, I want to belong. But how can I do that when no one seems to notice I'm here. I could scream in the middle of a crowded room and no one would hear me. The worst part is all I want is to be wanted and needed, and instead I get shoved to the side because there is always someone better, or more wanted. Not only that but I mean is it too much to ask that when I text you, you know who it is? After you gave me your number? And seriously when did everything become about looks? I spent years working on my personality and you don't want to pay attention to it? So now I have to devote the rest of my life, making my body the image of perfect because I hate the way I look all because I wasn't like the models or the actresses. And I would say screw you except I think they look perfect too, and completely despise the way I look, no matter how I look it just isn't right. No matter how hard I work it isn't hard enough. No matter how happy I seem I am being torn apart inside. And no matter how much I think you might give me a chance, deep down I know you don't want the fat girl I am. Why do we bother to live life if all it is, is pain? Why doesn't someone change the way we look at ourselves, so we can all see our self as beautiful no matter how we look? It would be so much easier if we were all blind, so we wouldn't have to worry about what we look like. I just want a sense of control in this crazy mixed up world.

Sorry guys this has been a rather tangential rant about... I don't even know what.

Talk About Weird

I have discovered that I am the weirdest binge eater. I had a huge binge last night, but I didn't eat chips, or chocolate, or fried foods, or fast food.... I ate a tonne of fresh veggies. Who binges on veggies? Well I do. I just thought I'd share my weirdness with you.

.... Riiiiiight

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I had gone 18 hours without any food, and I was just going to have a bit of soup... 180cals for the whole thing... except I wound up eat grilled cheese as well. The good news is I am going swimming again tonight so I'm going to push it really hard. Also I'm going to do a bunch of ab exercises once I get home from swimming, since I have noticed almost everything I own is either tight in that area, or would just look better if I tightened up that area. I mean as far as binges go it was under 500 cals... which is all I've had today. I will probably have some veg for supper. And maybe some fruit as a snack if I need it. I have almost reached the perfect 14! And am on the edge of 220! Things are starting to look better, it makes me happy. Well.... off to go get ready for working out!

Swim

So I am on target to reach my weight goal for this week, but I don't want to say anything too soon for fear of screwing myself up. I have taken up swimming, and have a month pass, which means I can go as often as I want for the $32. Which is really good because I plan on going about 5 times a week, which would be $90 without the pass. So hopefully this will help a great deal, because swimming is really good exercise and if I go for an hour or so at a time? Well I should start to see results really fast. Actually I have gone twice already and am seeing results. Hopefully I can keep up my motivation. I have so much weight to lose sometimes it gets discouraging, but if I look at it 10 pounds at a time it isn't so bad.

Alone

So I had a sudden realization today while watching P.S. I Love You on cable, while doing my sociology (currently studying family and types of marriage and such), why it is I can't find someone (other then being horrifically fat). I'm so afraid of being left alone; whether he'd leave me for someone else, or die; that I push people away. I push my friends away so that they can't leave me, I push away anyone who shows an interest in me.

I think that I would rather push them away before they can leave me, so that I don't have to feel that pain when they do eventually leave. I love learning something new about myself. It feels kind of empowering, just like losing weight.

So now I just have to figure out how to fix that whole abandonment issue, as well as lose weight consistently. Any tips you guys have for motivating yourself to exercise would be more then greatly appreciated.

15

So I realize it has been almost a month, but I wanted to have something good to tell you, and I wanted some time away from all the stuff that went on just before I took my "break". I stopped worrying so much for a bit, but didn't gain any weight thankfully. I have gotten down to my 15's instead of the 16's. Which is really cool, cause it means I'm that much closer to my goal. However it isn't all of my 15's just the bigger ones, but the smaller ones are almost 14's so I'm going to count them as such. Unfortunately I haven't really lost any weight, but it's the size I'm more worried about.
I found a friend, her name is Rhii, we both ave the same kind of problem. We are sick of being fat, want to be thin, and want it now. So we support each other and chat whenever we need to. And since we live in the same town it makes it better. I'm getting better with just eating healthy, although I still often just want to stop eating completely. However I will do what I can without being "unhealthy". I want to get to be a tiny little thing, but I don't actually want to look sickly. I just want there to be enough of me, and nothing more. Which probably doesn't make sense. It's weird I want to be really thin, but not sickly. Which is kind of contradictory.
Any way I just thought I would give you that quick update. I don't know how ofter I will post, but I will post. It really just depends on if I get negative comments, teeling me I'm a fake and a liar and so forth.


Luck and love.

Changes

So you will notice a lot of small changes occurring. But what will stay the same is well... me... and the name of my blog. Since the name is actually after my friend. These changes have occurred because I was put on a wanarexic list... and because I was reported for.... whatever Skinny reported me for. So these changes will kind of happen... In hopes that people will stop trashing my blog. Hopefully these changes will also help to offend less people.

Closing? Wannarexic? Sleep

So for the past two days I have seriously considered shutting this blog down. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against these girls who keep telling me I'm not anorexic. Now I have a girl telling me I probably don't have EDNOS.... well I'm not sure what I have then if I don't have that. I've been so upset these last few days I am actually making myself sick... not like vomit sick... but like headaches, fatigue, upset stomach. And I hate to say that I like it but I do, because it means that I'm not eating the 1200 calories in my plan. I'm eating like 600-700.

So for now I'm going to post like this blog is staying up, because right now I'm not sure if I want it to or not.

ANYWAY.... So since I can't even classify myself as having EDNOS, I will call my problems with food.... Bill... because I have never met a Bill I really liked. People seem to think that I woke up one morning and suddenly wanted this. I remember watching supersize vs. superskinny for months and thinking how I was the fat one but wanted desperately to be the thin underweight one. I remember starting to read nutrition labels, and cut back things that I thought were bad for me. I also remember starting to walk more. But none of this even matters because I am a wannarexic. Or so I'm told.

Oh so on the plus side I cleaned most of my room last night, and walked for about and hour and a half today. After staying up until 2 last night to finish a forensic assignment. I plan on doing more tomorrow. And eating less, because eating this much is making me feel sick and bloated as well... which doesn't help. Also my tooth aches have been pretty much gone since Saturday which is really nice. It kinda tried to act up tonight, but it didn't so I was relieved. Anyway this wannarexic is really tired and is going to stretch and go to bed.

Night all.

.... Program, Idiots and More

So I have decided to ignore a couple of comments I got. They basically told me that I am not an anorexic (I know I have EDNOS), and that my blog is killing people. I have put up disclaimers stating what this blog is about, and it has a warning label before you even enter. I made this as safe as a blog about an eating disorder can be.

Even though you said you weren't attacking me you were. And I know that I am fat and obese but here's a fact for you 2/3 of all anorexics start out at a healthy weight or larger (up to being obese!). I am one of those 2/3's. But because I'm fat and tend to eat more then I would ever want, I'm not "sick". If you don't like my blog don't read it! I don't need people putting me down and telling me that I am not ill, that I do not suffer from an eating disorder.

To those of you who love and support me; thank you. I wouldn't have been able to do what I have with out you.

Now for my good news/decisions.

1. I need a new program.
2. I need to reach my first goal by May 1.
3. I need to learn more self control (for those comfort foods everyone has)
4. Don't take bad comments personally.
5. Keep my room clean so I can work out.



Ok so the rules!!!!
1. No more then 1200 cals a day (because that is the low end of "healthy")... less is fine.
2. Walk 40 minutes everyday.
3. Do 1.5 hours of intense exercise every week.
4. Do yoga 2-3 times a week.
5. Resistance training 3 times a week.
6. Eat lots of fruit and veg.
7. Sleep at least 7 hours a night.
8. Cut out chips, chocolate bars (including chocolate granola bars), fried foods.
9. No high calorie drinks.
10. Drink 2 (or more) cups of tea a day.
11. Brush teeth after every meal and snack.
12. Read all labels! Don't eat food with more then 20% total fat.
13. Splurge once a week (1500 cals).
14. Take my diet pills, or drink dieters tea.
15. Move more!


God I hate the idea of eating 1200 cals a day... but if this works I might be able to sitck to it... and that is a step in the right direction. Right now that is all I need control and a step in the right direction. Also I kind of want to post tips and tricks... Is that a good idea? Not trick like hiding food and stuff, but just things you can do everyday to burn a few more calories or consume a few less. And exercise tips or something like that. I don't know it was just a thought.

So that is my new plan... horrifying calorie intake and all. But this is a lot of exercise for me to even consider. I think I will make Sunday my "recovery" day, where I only do walking, and maybe light yoga or something like that. I plan on doing this program until I either get bored or it stops working. What ever happens first. hopefully this is something I can stick to. And I realise I have been rather repetative in this post. Sorry.

Muchness

So you know that line in Alice in Wonderland? When the Hatter tells Alice that she has lost her muchness? Well I want to be Alice. I want to lose my muchness, and be beautiful and weightless. I want to be the envy of everyone in Wonderland.

I need to find a plan I can stick to. Thus far I have strayed off of everything. I skip breakfast most of the time. But instead wind up eating 3 or 4, 100 calorie granola bars. It doesn't seem to matter what I do I fail. So I think I am just going to try and stay under 1200 calories, because that is supposed to be healthy. Do yoga 2 or 3 times a week. Walk everyday. And try to get an additional 3 hours of exercise a week. I don't even want to lose weight fast. I just want to be less then the day before.

Oh and I am pretty sure my wisdom teeth are trying to come in, because my whole mouth hurts to the point where I actually cry from the pain. But my family doesn't really have the money to do anything about it, so I guess I will just suffer through it. I mean it has already been going on for almost a week. I will live with the pain until it either goes away or... something...

Oh well... I kind of had a bingy day. But still didn't do as bad as I could have. I will try and do better so I can be more inspiring.

Quickie

Hey guys. So I have had a good past couple of days. I am back down to what I was before the trip so that's good. Um... I don't really have anything to post I just wanted to quicky update you all on how my weight has been.

BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

So I am finally back from Seattle. It was fun... but I can almost guarantee that I gained weight. I'm hoping not but... I probably did. So I was in a room with three other bigger girls the smallest being a size 8, who thinks she is crazy fat. Rhi and I get along great. We both think we are fat, and hate eating. So it works out great. And to the one who tells me I am a wannarexic. Go away you are not welcome here. And if I offend you don't read it. I am not meaning to offend anyone. I am just here telling my thoughts and hopes and dreams. And I do not need your help telling me I am not good enough I do enough of that myself.

EDIT

Sorry ~Nessa~ I am editing this after you already commented on it. I gained 5 fucking pounds while not being careful. I am back up to 228.0... f my life. So tomorrow no more then 500 cals, my hoodia that I bought instead of my regular vitamins... because I still had a tonne of vitamins. Hopefully I will be able to reach my first goal by the end of the month I'm sick of being in the 220's.

I told another lie today

I feel like I have failed you all because I've been eating... but I also don't want my family to worry. I know that I haven't been doing too bad, but I also know that I could be doing better. I want to learn to hide food, to fabricate evidence, I want to be able to say no to my favorites. I've been watching Hannah's Story on youtube... it's a portion of Hollyoaks a British soap opera(?)... it is so motivating... I mean really... if she can do it so can I.


So I started posting this last night, only to be interrupted by none other then Jay. Yeah I thought I was done with that... but apparently not. He showed up need a place to stay so I let him stay the night, and hopefully he won't be back, because I really don't need that. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he loved me, but I mean really? I hadn't seen him for two months and he expects me to just forgive him like that? I don't think so.

Anyway... I leave for Seattle in less then two days, and I am sooooo fat. Like I mean I weighed myself last time and saw the dreaded 225..... it was horrible. Hopefully today will have pushed that down.

But alas I have packing to do so... I must be off.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Update

Hey guys it's been a few days... I've been doing pretty good lately.. eating about 600 calories a day. I am back down to 223.6... I want to be under 220 for Wednesday. So hopefully that will happen. The fast went well. In fact I dropped almost 3 pounds. But I have a final in the morning so I am going to bed. I will update you more tomorrow!! I promise!!

Stuff.....

Hey guys, so I've found the most amazing sandwich in the world for only 190cals.... so it's two slices of body wise bread(100 cals), two slices of meatless bologna(40 cals), one lite cheese slice(50 cals), and as much mustard as you want. So yeah I have discovered I like to eat that with about 10 cherry tomatoes. I feel like I'm not doing very good, but I mean I live with my sister and she has noticed changes in my body that I haven't noticed. I mean I have lost about 10 pounds... but I still have so far to go that I get so discouraged. Yesterday my sister actually told me that she wanted my help to lose weight. She weighs less then me but is about two sizes bigger. She was like how did you do it? And of course I can't tell her that I've been starving myself, so I told her, I've been working out more and eating less. I mean it is the truth.... just not the whole truth. I want more then anything to be perfect... but it's going to take so long... I don't want to have to keep putting in a tonne of effort and hardly see any results... I didn't even do my weigh in last night because of how bad I felt.

Hopefully with the fast, and some extra exercise, I will be able to hit my first goal... I don't ever want to be above 225 again... I figure if I slowly lower what I never want to be above again, I might stand a fighting chance. I'm going to look up some good weight loss tips later today... It might not be until tonight. But if I find anything I want to share I will post again later, maybe with some thinspo to go with it.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

FAST!!!

So got some news... I'm going to be doing a 40 hour fast... going to start Monday night at 7pm until 11am Wednesday... I hope that's right lol... and then after that I will be starting my hoodia regime... which kinda makes me excited... I mean it's supposed to work wonders so hopefully it will help me. So hopefully a few of you will be doing the fast... hopefully this is enough notice... I'd start now... but I have so much homework I'm going to need the 150cal sandwich. Oh the bad news however is that my sister kind of thinks I have an eating disorder... which I kind of do... but I really haven't lost enough weight fast enough to have anyone worried thank god. But I have to go do forensic's... and calculus... I hate life... I'm so fat... oh well fast tomorrow night...

Gah

I'm so sorry guys!... I have to start with that because the strength I had at the beginning of the day diminished as soon as my sister left. I ate too much, but didn't binge. Had McDonald's at 3am. Though it was a grilled cheese and medium fries. I felt so bad after I didn't eat again until 6:30pm the next day. I slept for 12 hours. And am about to get ready to go out dancing. I need to look pretty tonight cause I have this thing for one of the bouncers at the only bar I go to. I hope you guys are doing better then I am.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Clash of the Titans

Alrighty so just a quick post. I went and saw Clash of the Titans last night, and oh my god for thinspo. The girl that plays Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), is so thin you can see the bones in her chest! Every time I saw her it literally took my breath away. It gave me inspiration to not eat. So today I have been up for an hour already, I have started my laundry, did all my hand washables, and stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. Remember chewing gum burns 11 calories an hour! So I have to go through my closet within the next hour, and then I will be scrubbing walls. No food for me for I am strong! However I will update this if that changes. 100 crunches, 50 squats, 20 push ups, 20 tricep kick backs, and 20 v's (I don't know what to call it you lay on your back and raise your legs straight up and let them fall so they lok like a v and then squeeze your legs back together). So that is the plan for the day. 1 follower to go! Hopefully I get one more before my Seattle trip. While I'm there (April 14-19) I will keep a journal and make all the posts when I get back because I wont have internet while I'm there.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

A Plan

So I have decided once I have 40 followers (2 to go) that I will complete a 40 hour fast, with 40 extra minutes of exercise a day. Now this may be subject to be altered slightly, but that is the plan. It may also not happen like the day after I have 40 followers but I will do it and I will let you know in case you want to participate as well. Good plan? I think so. Also I am going to be doing at least 100 crunches a day, along with 50 squats, and a bunch of inner thigh exercises, and I will be doing yoga at least three times a week. I need to start getting serious and this is the first step. And if I binge one hour of exercise, along with everything else I do. I also want to do 4 hours of walking a week to start, so just over 30 minutes a day. I also need suggestions for my arms.... because they are massive.... so that is my plan as of now... later tonight I will either post again or edit this one with my current weight... because I haven't been home since sunday and it is now thursday... long time to be away from home, especially when you are with your family.




EDIT

Weighed in.... not nearly as tragic as I thought 224.4lbs ..... so about where I was last week... even with all the horrible food I put in my body... so that's good.... Hopefully this week will go well.

Relization

I am finally starting to understand why I binge, and why I eat so much. I am unhappy and therefore feel the need to fill that void with food even though I know that food will only make me happy while I'm eating it. I also know that as soon as I finish eating I will be unhappy. Hopefully this insight will help me to start eating far less and exercising way more. Because I know that exercising releases endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. I was actually about to reach for the chips when I stopped, and thought about it. And decided to post instead... Good idea right? I thought so. So now at 11:30pm I am going to go clean a cupboard to take my mind off of eating. Because I am a thin beautiful girl, waiting to get out.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Oh dear

So I ate more then I should have last night and today. Wound up a bit sick... not going to go into details with that... it was gross, we'll go with that. So I forgot that I was going to be at my parents from today (Sunday) until Tuesday or Wednesday. So my weigh in isn't going to happen this week, but I will weigh myself as soon as I get home because I'm already starting to freak out. I went for a walk with my 14 year old sister today, it was over half a mile so that's good. Hopefully tomorrow I will be getting a couple of new bras, because the ones I currently own are getting to be too big around. Yay! So I guess I am making progress, just no where near as fast as I'd like. Oh and I thought maybe I'd throw in an installment of my story which has kind of been abandoned.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I watched as Ana slid gracefully into her tiny jeans that she had just bought from the kids section. I looked down at my jeans, huge almost plus sized jeans. How did I let myself get this big. Ana turned to me seeing the tears shining in my eyes.

"Rae?"

"Yes?"

"What's the matter hun?"

"You are so skinny and pretty and I want to be just like you, only I have no control and no motivation to workout. I've failed you."

"Rae you haven't failed me. You just need time, you've been trying. You used to be a compulsive binge eater. Now you only binge sometimes, and eat closer to normal. You are taking steps in the right direction. One day I will be able to say I'm proud of you, but right now I' satisfied with your progress. You've been doing well. Just keep going in the right direction."

I looked at Ana, for once she was being completely supportive instead of knocking me down. She must have reached her new goal weight. She is so lucky. One day that will be me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

well....

So I've been doing pretty good this week... well this far anyway... weigh in is tomorrow so hopefully I will have taken off those 5 pounds I gained last week... I'm on track to have them off so as long as I don't binge tomorrow I'll be set. So far today I have had about half a coconut... which by the way took me an hour of hard labour just to open it lol. I'm kinda falling for this guy I went to high school with... which has made me slightly giddy... which you can probably tell... it just kind of happened last night... we were drunk and chatting... both in the affectionate stage of drunkness, so we kind of hung off of each other for a bit while he told me about winning 10,000 in the lotto, and his best friend was like what... apparently I was the first to know.... anyway... I'm leaving my house in about 4 hours to go out dancing so I will probably have a light supper (300-500 calories) just to rev me up so I don't pass out. Stay Strong my lovelies...

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Alice in Wonderland

So tonight I went to Alice in Wonderland for the second time, it is an amazing movie. This time I went with a friend of mine and the first thing she said when she saw Alice was "Oh my god! Is she anorexic?" I was like probably, I wish I was a thin and beautiful. So we were watching the movie and then Anne Hathaway comes on screen, and I almost cried at the sight of her beautiful collar bone. It is the epitome of perfection. She is so beautiful, and tragically thin. It makes me so jealous.

So I thought I'd let you in on my current goal. My band is travelling to Seattle on April 14, and I want to be a size 14 when we go. So that mean I have to lose at least 10 pounds in about 3 weeks. But I am motivated and had not too bad of a day for eating... minus the popcorn at the theater, which will give me the fiber I lacked the rest of the day. I'm going to start working out tomorrow and over the course of spring break (tomorrow until April 6) get over half way to my goal. I have a pair of amazing shorts I want to wear in Seattle. That I bought in a size 14..... because that was the only pair they had and they were only $4.00.

Any way I'm exhausted, so I'm headed to bed. The best of luck my pretties.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Help?

Hey guys so I have found some motivation finally. I am looking for a good workout plan that isn't too hard, and isn't going to take a lot of time each day. Is there anything you guys can recommend? I would really appreciate your help.

Rant-ish

"There is no limit to weight loss, it's just where you want to be." I want to lose the weight, but I think in my subconscious the weight makes me feel safe, it makes me feel less vulnerable I guess. But then there is the conscious part of me that looks at myself and wants to cry.

I mean really who wants to be fat and ugly? I have so many pretty clothes that don't fit because of how big I am. I want to have hip bones, and ribs, and collar bones. But if I can't stop eating that will never happen.

I can be walking down the street, and I forget that I'm fat, until I look at myself or my arms brush my fat rolls, and then I wonder how the hell I got this big.

I think right now my biggest motivation to help myself get thin, is going to be just grabbing (literally) a handful of my fat. I hate looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted, so starting tomorrow, ABC, because I need control if this is going to work, and I'm going to make this work because I want to be able to put anything I own on and feel okay, instead of disgust. I really want this, I need to be able to not hate myself for once. I want to be happy, about anything, and I want to start my getting rid of this fat that is weighing me down, that is killing me.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Hungry

So a few things to report today, first of all I have been physically hungry all day, and with my lack of control have being eating almost non-stop. Although for the most part it has been fruit and veggies, and some sushi, as well as a couple of buns and a couple of granola bars. I feel so fat for eating so much, but I finish eating what I grabbed and have to go back for more because I am still hungry. So that kinda really sucks. I feel like such a failure even though I know it is doing my body good to be getting so many healthy nutrients. Oh well I will be starting a new program tomorrow. I'm going to do some reading and researching tonight to decide which program I want to do. Ok and second, I got my lip peirced yesterday. It didn't hurt too bad to get it done but now it is swollen, bruised, and a little infected even though I have been following all the cleaning instructions and stuff. Oh well it'll get better.

Stay strong my lovlies.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Discovery

So I made a few discoveries today. First of all I cannot wear cute boots if they come up my calves, because they don't fit.... ever. My calves are too fat, my first discovery. Second discovery of the day, 36's are too big, meaning my size 16's are rather loose. However, 34's are a little tight, and 15's? Yeah right.... however 14's almost fit.... doesn't really make sense. So I have almost no pants I can wear because they are either too tight or too loose, really frusterating. Discovery number three, my upper arms, look a lot smaller. Also I can see my neck looks smaller. I want to be thin so bad that I can taste it, but everytime I start doing good I screw up royally.

I want thin legs, stick like arms, a tiny waist. I want sharp hipbones, and a colar bone that juts out. I want to see ribs without raising my arms. I want small breast that my hands will actually fit around. I want to be able to sit on a guy without the fear of hurting him, or making his leg fall asleep. I want boys to be able to pick me up without any effort. I want to walk into a room full of people and have them all notice me, because I am thin and beautiful. I want to be able to look at myself and see perfection. But what I want more then anything, is to finally be satisfied with the way I look.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Piercing

So I had a shitty day eating and exercise wise, but my calculus is going better, and my forensics is coming together... so that's good... but I'm pretty sure I'm up like 3 or 4 pounds just from the way I've ate the past two days... tomorrow I'm going to keep it to the bare minimum... also starting tomorrow I'm going to be teaching piano to a couple of little girls, which really makes me happy. Also I have decided to get my lip pierced... and I kinda want to get my belly-button done but I think I should wait on thate because it is supposed to be a reward. I don't know.... I want to get it done but I mean I am so fat right now I would probably puke if I were to get it done. Guess that answers that question... no to the belly-button until I am at most 200lbs.... that could take a while at this rate... oh well... I need motivation... help?

:(

just great, wow, amazing.... NOT! SO my life has gone steadily downhill.... mostly just today though. SO the day started out kinda suckish.... but then I couldn't figure out my calculus, and that upset me... then I realized the mountain of forensics I have to finish. To top that off I'm playing the really easy parts in my schools band, and what's the point of being there if it isn't going to challenge me?... oh and to top that one off, the guy I like (who might be my perfect guy in the world) has decided I'm stalking him because I added him on facebook... I mean really? I have over 300 friends on fb, and talk to maybe 20 of them..... I'm just trying to get to know him... is that really so wrong?.... apparently it is....

Hmmmm.......

So I know that it seems like I've been MIA, but in reality I am on my blog everyday and just stare at it. I look at my comments and notice no new ones, then realize I don't really have anything good to say so why should there be any new comments? So the past few days have been "normal" I haven't put on any weight so that's good but I haven't lost any weight either which is bad, so for the day, 5 calorie jello.... and veggies to my hearts content.

I was talking to my one friend last night who went from being 160 to 115, and all she did was start eating a little healthier and walking a little more, but she actually has a metabolism, while I don't.... she still eats like a horse, and it makes me so angry, but at the same time I'm so happy for her. Her thighs are so skinny, and 24's are too big for her. I'm super jealous, but it has given me some motivation. More then I had anyway.

But right now I need to go watch family guy, and do my calculus lab. I'll post again once I have something good to actually post.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

News.... of a Variety

ok so this is a good news, bad news, terrified news post. SO lets start with the worst news.... I have these like pimply sort of bumps on my breast... which I went to the doctor for a year ago, because they start out a bluish colour, and don't go away. But I noticed that they have started to appear down there, on my vag fat... really gross... so I'm freaking out about that... got me kinda scared. Moving on....

Bad News, Eddie and I had a horrible fight today, the look in his eyes scared the hell out of me, basically he told me he's not worth my time... kinda backwards... so basically he left me crying in the street and ran off... great....

Good news... finally.... I had my first hungar headache... I actually forgot to eat today... I had a couple of cheese biscuts for breakfast, a couple of 10cal jello, a banana, 2 fiber bars, and a muffin... not really a "normal" day.... I was wondering why I had this horible headache, so my sister asked me what I ate today and then she force fed me toast... which was ok... cause I'm still down a bit today... almost my lowest since starting again... so thats exciting...

Thought I should post again cause I have been slacking on that severly lately.

Stay Strong

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

RANT!!... About Good News!!

so goodish news... lost 0.2lbs this week... I thought I had gained a tonne... but luckily I didn't so that's good... and I lost 0.5 inches... So that's good could be better will be next week... I plan on doing well this week so we will see how that goes... I'm working everyday towards a goal, and with that goal in mind I shall soon see the end and will likely want more, because my target weight is about mid range for my height. Oh and I'm starting to be able to see and feel my collar bone a lot more which is amazing. My friend Eddie has lost a lot of weight recently and has the most amazing collar bone, and you can feel all the bones in the back of his shoulders, it makes me so jealous, but also gives me something to strive for!! So some good news, which makes me feel really good, cause I haven't given you guys good news in a long time, because I've been binging so much lately, but I'm starting to get back on track.

Ooops

So I realized suddenly how long it's been since my last update.... So I guess the update really is that I haven't gained or lost weight... which is good but sucks so bad... if I stopped stuffing my face and binging for no reason I'd be doing so much better.

I guess the other news is I finally gave my virginity up to one of my friends. I'm not quite sure how it happened but it did, I don't regret it but it made my angry at myself, because I have this huge crush on some guy I don't know lol.... oh well I shall post again when I feel like I have something good to say.

Him

So I went out to the bar today after having a decent day food and exercise wise, and had a great time lol. So it was 80's themed and I dressed up... purple leggings short jean shorts, a white shirt with rainbows and love written all over it. I had a blast and I hate to say it but I looked pretty darn good (even though I still kept thinking about how fat I am...). So this guy was looking at me all night (which I know because I was staring at him all night lol... and after the music stopped and almost everyone had left, this girl comes over. We went to high school together she graduated a year before me and she says "So what's your name? That guy over there wants to know." I was like... "Rae...." and she was like "oh ok I'll tell him, he's cute right?" and sadly I was like "Yeah, I've been staring at him all night." and she's like "I'm gonna tell him that" I was like "oh don't it's so embarrassing" and she's like "But not tonight maybe next weekend." so she also told me her name and that she thought I was really pretty, and that she thought his name was Craig. So my "wife" told me to hurry up and get my ass outside... so I did and I stood there while she had a smoke and he came outside and looked around and was like "Do any of you have a cell phone I can borrow?" so of course I gave him mine even though I knew he had one cause I had seen him talking on it several time that night... so he was pulling a card out of his wallet to dial the number and his buddy was like "She has a phone" she being the much skinnier prettier girl, and he was like "I've already got one." Now this is going to sound corny but when he gave me back my phone I purposely made sure our fingers brushed... just to have that moment. So yeah a good night haven't weighed myself tonight won't for another half hour at least so that some of the liquids will get out lol... anyway hope you all are doing as good as I am right now

Blood... Thinspiration

So I gave blood last night... it was amazing... not only that but this guy I met was there. He is positively adorable... and my friend and I are pretty sure he has only had one or two girlfriends before. He's very quite and shy... and crazy smart. I have this burning desire to be beautiful suddenly. I haven't had that feeling for a while... so hopefully this is a step in the right direction.


So this is Kim Yuna from South Korea... she took gold in women's figure skating(not sure which one...) but she is incredibly tiny, and beautiful... and I thought she deserved a place on my wall...









I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Donating, Binging

Hey guys sorry I haven't been posting or commenting. It isn't for a lack of time, I just read about how well you guys are doing and get really sad because I have just been binging and binging since JJ fucked off. Thankfully when I weighed myself last night I was at 223.2... so not too much of a weight gain... but it makes me really sad... tomorrow I am going to donate blood... which will result in immeadiate weight loss... which is exciting... Oh and my calculus teacher informed us today that she can't donate blood because she doesn't weigh enough... here you have to weigh at least 110... which means she is what I aspire to be....

Stay Strong my pretties.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect!

Better Day

So far today has been okay... I had originally planned on fasting, but instead I've had 5 calorie jello, and a salad. So about 75 cals so far. I plan on trying to stay under 700cals today and going for a walk at some point. Hopefully I won't have gained too much weight this week. So fasting tomorrow. Hopefully it will go well!

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Oh and some reverse thinspo....



These girls are one of my friends univeristy friends... it makes me wish I could survive on air!!!