100

So this is only going to be a short post basically celebrating that I now have 100 followers. None of which I deserve since I fail time and time again. Yet I feel strong and empowered. I want to do better for every single one of the 100 of you guys. I feel like I owe it to you guys to do better. I owe it to myself to do better. I have about 100 pounds to go so hopefully I can lose a pound for each of you out there that is cheering for me.

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walk a little faster,
eat a little less
hope everyday that
tomorrow will be the best.
I wish this pain would go away
that I could make it leave.
Yet here I am starving
only wanting your attention.
walk a little faster
eat a little less
starve a little more
become a little smaller
so one day I'll deserve you.

Comes and Goings

"Move your toes or something," Ana hisses in my ear.
I sit watching my movie.
"You fat cow look at what you just ate."
After working six days straight I felt entitled to a few crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips, Ana felt other wise. I tried to ignore her.
"Sweetie all you have to do is go into that bathroom kneel over and bring everything back up." Me said sitting next to me, eating her enormous chocolate bar.
"Just go for a walk please! You are going to get fat just sitting there doing nothing." Ana pleaded.
I remained in the same spot pretending I couldn't hear them. It was my day off, I had to work the next thirteen in a row I could lose weight then. Right now though? I just want to sit and try to recover some energy. I was exhausted.
"If you don't go into the bathroom soon nothing will come up 'cause you will already have digested it." Mia stated quite simply.
"Just a quick walk around the block." Ana whispered.
"Would you two just shut up for today? Tomorrow I won't even be home and there for will not be able to eat. I need one day of just doing nothing 'cause I am going to be damn busy starting tomorrow."
Ana and Mia both looked at me in shock. I had never been so harsh with them. But the rest of the night they sat looking at me watching me eat nothing more. I had eaten a few small things earlier but nothing really substantial.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as you can assume I will be working the next 13 days straight. Some of those days at more then one job. I also have a rehearsal and a concert in that time. I hope I live through it and come out slightly smaller from the effort. Any way it is time for bed cause I am exhausted.

Oh Barf

So I did something strange and new to me today. And it was scaring and alluring. I purged for the first time ever. I don't even remember what made me walk into the bathroom, lift up the seat, kneel down one hand holding back my hair the other bracing me. But it was surprisingly easy. I gagged once, and then I wasn't just gagging. After I finished I rinsed my mouth washed my hands and went back to the living room.

Yet after I was done I didn't feel any better. I still feel fat and disgusting. It's not that I weigh anymore, it's that I have been eating crap and staying the same weight, it makes me feel horribly guilty.

I guess I have hit a point where I can turn back into Ana's arms, or go straight to Mia's arms, or have them both embrace me. And right now I'm not sure what I want anymore. Cause I always tell girls not to purge, or that I wish they would purge less. But now I don't know anymore.

Possiblities.....

So I know that it's been a while. And it hasn't been because I've been doing poorly. I'm so close to my next goal that I can metaphorically taste it. Yesterday I ate around 300 calories and worked for over 11 hours. It was a good day. Today however will be a true test of my will power. I have the day off, and have so much food in my house. But I can't leave my house because I moved over a month ago and still haven't finished unpacking, so I have to do that. I'm just so worried that I'm going to slip up and ruin my progress. So I think that while I am unpacking and cleaning I will watch movies that make me wish I was thin and have a pair of my goal pants out where I can see them.

The plan for the day food wise is between 200 and 500 calories. And I would like to fit in some kind of work out in.

I want to hit my goal by Monday. And I am only 3.8pounds away from that so it is possible. I just have to stick with it.