Sorry, Please Try Again

So we aren't even going to talk about the several chocolate bars that found their way into my stomach. However today has been pretty good. I'm at about 400 calories, and am planning on eating a solid 650-700. It feels like so much, but after my horrible binge yesterday, it's a good get back on track number. I also think I shall go for a long walk tonight since I didn't work today. But I'm going to go make myself some salad to eat once my sister gets home so she will see me eating. She is still suspisious that I am having problems with food. I still can't believe I screwed up so bad yesterday. Anyway I will do better, so I can be thin.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!

Holy cow... can it be... another good day.... two in a row?!?!?! total for the day 450 calories.... I am in shock.... that's all I really have to say.... WOW! (Sorry in total shock)

Success

I actually did reasonably well today. About 400 calories, however I am seriously lackng in the drinking water part of my plan. But I worked both jobs today and it was tough, it is exhausting.

Other then that I don't really have anything to report. This is such a lame post lol.


Yet another poem by me. Just to beef up my post.

A need started within me
and grew into an action
I starved myself to become happy
my heart was slowly breaking.
I wanted you to save me,
and need you to take me.
But you never came
so I continue trying
my very hardest to be happy.
Yet for some reason
there is something missing.
I think it might be you.
I'd hate to think you left me
all alone to deal with this.
Yet I have no other choice
I'm rid myself of sin
the only way I know how.
I'm starving for perfection
changing my direction
hoping it will lead to you.

A Plan? That might actually work?

So I have made some recent decisions, with a little help I might add. I have decided to start out a bit slower and gradually get better.
So my new rules starting well..... today:
1. No eating after 7pm
2. Workout at least 4 times a week.
3. Eat less then 900 calories a day, including liquid calories.
4. When hungry eat calorie free foods.
5. Cut back by at least 50 calories every week.
6. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
7. Drink at least 1 cup of green tea every day
8. Drink at least 1.5 liters of water everyday.
9. Say no to food at least twice a day.
10. Think thin all the time, to help stay on track.

I may change a few, or add more, we'll see how it goes. Now I had a question on my Letter's to Ana post, Ana is just my reference to my problems with eating. It was just a fictional letter to no one but me.

Job?

ok ew. So I am currently doing the salt water flush... yeah the only word to describe it is gross. Drinking the water is gross, the effects of it are gross, but hopefully it will take off a few pounds. Cause if it doesn't take off any weight I won't ever be doing it again.

So as you all probably guessed I haven't really been ding ABC, however I have been pretty restrictive. And I am walking a lot more then I usually would so I have seen a little bit of weight come off. Cause I had gained about 5 pounds back, so I have almost lost that in these past 4 or 5 days. Anywho I have to go I need to find something I can put in my tummy so that when I go for my interview at Applebee's I don't get tempted, or have a growling stomach.

Luck and Love

Potato

So today after BellaAna's divine intervention, I have eaten 1 small potato with a little bit of margarine (about 75 cals), and will be leaving in half an hour to go to work. IT also took me nearly 40 minutes to eat said potato. I feel really good about today. I plan on walking to the bus station after work instead of taking a bus there. So that will likely be a half hour or more of walking (I'm not quite sure I haven't walked it yet), and then I will have some swiss chard (it's like spinach), about 35 calories of that to make my total for the day a meager 110Cals! If I can stick to that I will be so happy, however I am going to boost that total to 150 just incase I'm like crazy hungry after work.

I love being on track and focused. I'll update you guys once I get home (it will be edited into this post), just to help keep me accountable.
~~~~~~~~~~~
EDIT

So I slipped up a bit today. But I managed to stay at about 500 calories. So I figure today was day 1 of ABC. Tomorrow I will do better. The plan is to be under 200 by October 1. Let's see if I can stick to that goal. I'm about 209 right now, maybe a little less. It's going to take hard work and dedication. If I could prove to myself that I can do that? Then it proves to me that I can do anything.

Letters to Ana

So after binging for the past couple of days I feel rather unqualified to even have this blog. However I need this blog. It is becoming an addiction. Just the way Ana keeps luring me in. I am just lacking self control. However my dear friend BellaAna reassured me that we all fall screw up sometimes and that we just have to keep believing in ourselves. She has been helping me so much lately, and I want to keep thanking her over and over again.



Dear Ana,
I continue to fail you, yet you stay with me. I wish that I could be more faithful to you, but it's just so hard. My life would be easier if I could, so why do I continue to go against you? Maybe because this is still new, or because I am trying to be rebellious, but whatever the reason it is tearing me up inside. All I want in life is to be thin and beautiful just like everyone else, and with your help and divine inspiration that should be possible. Yet I keep failing you. But for tonight know that I am going to bed hungry for the first time in a long time and that I hope that this will at least bring a smile to your face.

Love Always
Rae


PS I will try harder in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sorry I'm so pathetic guys, but Iwill try harder, I will do better.

Real Update

So I thought I should give you guys a real update. Yesterday was both successful and a huge failure. I ate some noodles for lunch(340cals) and then I didn't eat again until about 10:30pm. And we all know that eating at night is bad. I won't even tell you that intake, but it was when my success happened. I was eating away at my KD and realized that I didn't even want anymore. I threw out about half a cup of food. I have never been able to throw out food like that. I also had a rather large chocolate bar. However it opened my eyes. I eat because I'm bored not that I'm hungry and not that I want to eat. I eat for something to do.
So here I am now at 3:30pm after a horrible night for eating, and I have nothing in my tummy. I haven't even felt the need to drink my diet Pepsi that I bought just to have a diet fizzy drink.
I have also fell madly in love with Supersize vs. Superskinny again. I keep watching episodes online, and thinking how can those Supersizers get to that size. I mean I am in between the two extremes. But I know which end I would rather be on. I keep looking at how some of the superskinny's eat and think.. "I could do that. If I just tried." And right now I feel like I can do anything. I am planning what to eat, what to say, what exercises to do. I just have so many things running through my head. And I know if I get hungry drinking diet drinks will make me feel full.
So I can't remember if I told you guys why I was away. My computer kind of exploded in my lap and need to be repaired. So it is currently being fixed (it needed a new mother board), and I am playing on my new lap top.

So with all of that said my plan for today it
Lunch: 1 slice of bread with tomato 55cals
Supper: soup 60cals
Snack: 1 slice of bread with cheese 100cals
total: 215 (but we'll round up to 300 just in case I eat a little more or add some crackers to said soup)

So 300 cals for today is the plan. It's exciting.

Exercise for today: 30 minutes of walking
50 of each crunchs, leg lifts, modified push-ups, reverse crunches, and squats.
30 minutes of dance

Yay for eating little and actually exercising. But I'm going to go wash the dishes and eat my lunch. But first a poem for thought.

I opened my eyes
ran to the bathroom
something had to change
the numbers weren't any lower
tears stung my eyes
I looked at my self in disgust
I hated my body
I skipped breakfast
I went for a walk instead.
I fabricated dishes for lunch
I did crunches instead.
I ate some soup for supper
but threw it up in the bathroom
The emptiness was growing
surely my bones were showing
yet when I looked in the mirror
only fat and lard was there.
But soon it would be gone
soon I would be nothing
but perfected emptiness.

Failed Attempts

Still alive?
unfortunately
Still fat?
sadly yes
Feel like dying?
Everyday

I wake up in the morning feeling fat and disgusted, and yet often I eat like a fat pig anyway. But that's all about to change. I have the space to work out. I have the means to work out. I will now work out. And I will make it work. This is it, my final attempt to change everything about the way I look.