Lee walked up to me, it was obvious she hadn't slept well the night before, if she had slept at all.
"What's going on Lee?" I asked, I no longer referred to her as Ana, there was a new Ana in my life, I wanted to keep them separate.
"I was up all night studying for that stupid science test. Instead I wound up exercising and cutting," she told me, revealing new cuts on her arm.
I nodded understanding. I hadn't slept well either. That test was killing us all, or at least that was the excuse I had decided fit best. What really kept me up at night was trying to figure out if I could really let Ana become apart of my life. Was that a road I was willing to go down? If I decided to travel down that road, how far would it go?
We finished our test, and got through our last class, I had decided to go to Lee's house after school, I needed to get away from my parents. Lee and I were walking when my decision was made for me.
"Hey sweetie, how are you?" He was a friend of Lee's. He hugged her tight but ignored me, it was like I was invisible.
Lee tried to introduce us but when he looked at me, it was like just looking at me made him sick.
I had never felt so bad in all of my life. Once he had left I turned to Lee, "I want in." I told her.
She looked at me confused.
"I want to be like you."
"Like me how?"
Then I said those simple words that changed my life, "I want Ana to help me."
Lee nodded, "I understand."
Then she appeared, the figure I dreamed of having, "I'm Ana," she said to me. "I hear you want my help. You want my feather weight, and my perfect body. You also want that boy to notice you. I will make you perfect."
She walked with us, but it appeared that Lee couldn't see her. Finally I had someoone to help me all the time. Not like when I was with Lee. Lee could only help me when we were together.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Oh Man
So I figured since I did an update this afternoon about yesterday I should get another post up about how today went. I found myself checking my weight every time I went into the bathroom. I know it's unhealthy but today I couldn't help it before I go to bed I have to check how I did this week. I know I've lost a little bit, but not nearly as much as I had hoped for. I binged on pasta, and then regretted it because I felt so sick. Then when the pain subsided I had some ice cream, so when I got hungry about 30 minutes ago I decided to finally be good and have spinach salad, and found myself thinking if Ana was a person she would be as disgusted, if not more than I am at what I did today. Of course as soon as I thought of him, the boy I met last night, I felt even more disgusted wiith myself. But I also know that tomorrow I will do better, because I want to fit in those pants, I want to be worthy of him, and more then anything, I want to be happy with who I am.
Missed Day
Sorry I missed yesterday. As soon as I got up my sister urshered me out the door so we could leave for the city. Which of course means that I didnt eat breakfast, which was fine by me. I didn't eat lunch and for supper I had a six inch sub and a diet coke. Then of course we went to see Legion, again I had diet coke, a bit of popcorn and a few peanut M&M's. So over all it wasn't too bad of a day considering I was with my sister, who likes to eat alot. I ate far less than I thought I would wind up eating. Then we got home at about 10:30pm, and got ready to go to the bar. I was wearing a tight white t-shirt and my favorite jeans... I was having a fat night so I just picked something to wear. Then we got the bar and I was introduced to this really sweet cute guy with a British accent. I was like there is no way he will ever like me. But then he made me feel his butt, and decided on his own he wanted to feel mine, evidently he thinks I have a nice ass. I think it's just fat. So I really like him, and iit appears he kind of likes me. But at this current time I don't feel like I'm worthy of love, or even being liked.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Second Meeting
After my first meeting with Ana I hated myself more than ever before. I didn't want to eat but I kept eating anyway. My friend Ana on the other hand still kept trying to get me to workout with her, but I kept resisting. I went over to her house one day, it was a half hour walk and I found I enjoyed just walking. When we got to her house we had tea and she told me more about herself, the parts she had kept locked away.
"I cut myself Rae, almost everyday." She said rolling up her sleeves.
I saw all the cuts and gashes, and noticed a strange resemblance.
I rolled up my own sleeves, revealing my own cuts and gashes. We stared at each others arms for a long while before she finally spoke again. "You want to lose weight right?"
I nodded. "More then anything."
"You should become Ana with me."
I laughed. "But Ana's your name."
"It's just the name I go by, my real name is Lee. You can call me either though, I respond to both."
Lee, I thought, that will make this far less confusing. "So if your name is Lee, why do you goo by Ana?"
"Because Ana is who I am, my name just didn't suit me."
That day she taught me about thinspo, and restricting, and even tips and tricks. I found something to finally make me beautiful, and I was going to do it at all costs.
****************************
Oh and could someone explain to me how to put pictures in my posts? It would be much appreciated. Thank you!!!!
"I cut myself Rae, almost everyday." She said rolling up her sleeves.
I saw all the cuts and gashes, and noticed a strange resemblance.
I rolled up my own sleeves, revealing my own cuts and gashes. We stared at each others arms for a long while before she finally spoke again. "You want to lose weight right?"
I nodded. "More then anything."
"You should become Ana with me."
I laughed. "But Ana's your name."
"It's just the name I go by, my real name is Lee. You can call me either though, I respond to both."
Lee, I thought, that will make this far less confusing. "So if your name is Lee, why do you goo by Ana?"
"Because Ana is who I am, my name just didn't suit me."
That day she taught me about thinspo, and restricting, and even tips and tricks. I found something to finally make me beautiful, and I was going to do it at all costs.
****************************
Oh and could someone explain to me how to put pictures in my posts? It would be much appreciated. Thank you!!!!
New Day and Dream
So today is a new day, and so far it's going good. I haven't had an urge to eat at all, and I did pull out half of an orange but it's sitting there lonely because I don't even feel hungry. So last night I had a dream about this guy I liked and thought I'd post it here in story mode, because I know how much you guys like stories! ;) and later I plan on posting the second part to my Ana story.
*************************
I walked into the bar, I was still upset because I hadn't lost any weight. I saw a guy I had liked from high school was hired as the new bouncer. I thought that that was good because he does ultimate fighting so he can protect me. I kept looking over at him the entire night and noticed he kept looking back at me. There was no way he could ever like me now though, I am too fat.
flash forward
I woke up in the arms of my new found love, the guy I had seen so many months ago. I had lost so much weight, and now here I was waking up in his arms. I got up to grab some clothes for us to wear. And when I stood up he wrapped his strong arms around me.
"You are so tiny." His lisp really came through in the morning when he had just woken up.
"No I'm not."
"You are the smallest girl I've ever dated." Why was his lisp so sexy?
"I'm not that tiny."
"Yes you are. You're what a size two?"
I was angry about that, I was not that small. "Try a six."
************
Then someone decided to phone me and woke me up. So what does this dream mean? Does it mean I have to be a size 6 for him to like me?
***********************************************************
So I'm eating soup, it's like 260 cals for this big pot. I'm hoping to avoid any kind of binge today. And since I'm home it shouldn't be as hard.
*************************
I walked into the bar, I was still upset because I hadn't lost any weight. I saw a guy I had liked from high school was hired as the new bouncer. I thought that that was good because he does ultimate fighting so he can protect me. I kept looking over at him the entire night and noticed he kept looking back at me. There was no way he could ever like me now though, I am too fat.
flash forward
I woke up in the arms of my new found love, the guy I had seen so many months ago. I had lost so much weight, and now here I was waking up in his arms. I got up to grab some clothes for us to wear. And when I stood up he wrapped his strong arms around me.
"You are so tiny." His lisp really came through in the morning when he had just woken up.
"No I'm not."
"You are the smallest girl I've ever dated." Why was his lisp so sexy?
"I'm not that tiny."
"Yes you are. You're what a size two?"
I was angry about that, I was not that small. "Try a six."
************
Then someone decided to phone me and woke me up. So what does this dream mean? Does it mean I have to be a size 6 for him to like me?
***********************************************************
So I'm eating soup, it's like 260 cals for this big pot. I'm hoping to avoid any kind of binge today. And since I'm home it shouldn't be as hard.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Failure
So I just fucking failed Ana big time!!! I'm out at my parents once again, which means tonnes of food and cookies and pop and chips.... I didn't do too bad but I figured if I were to write this down now that I wouldn't binge any worse then I already have. I also plan on going out and partying tonight to help burn off all the calories I consumed because I'm a failure. I want Ana to be happy with me, I want to be happy with me. I hate being a failure. And tomorrow probably won't be any better because my sister has decided that we are making pizza. And she wonders why she's fat!!!
This song is everything I dream of... literally.
I See You - Leona Lewis
Walking through a dream
I see you
My light in darkness breathing hope of new life
Now I live through you and you through me
Enchanted
I pray in my heart that this dream never ends
I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high
Your life shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life as a sacrifice
I live through your love
You teach me how to see
All that’s beautiful
My senses touch your world I never pictured
Now I give my hope to you
I surrender
I pray in my heart that this world never ends
I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high
Your love shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life
I offer my love, for you
When my heart was never open
(and my spirit never free)
To the world that you have shown me
But my eyes could not division
All the colors of love and of life ever more
Evermore
(I see me through your eyes)
I see me through your eyes
(Living through life flying high)
Flying high
Your love shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life as a sacrifice
And live through your love
And live through your life
I see you
I see you
This song is everything I dream of... literally.
I See You - Leona Lewis
Walking through a dream
I see you
My light in darkness breathing hope of new life
Now I live through you and you through me
Enchanted
I pray in my heart that this dream never ends
I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high
Your life shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life as a sacrifice
I live through your love
You teach me how to see
All that’s beautiful
My senses touch your world I never pictured
Now I give my hope to you
I surrender
I pray in my heart that this world never ends
I see me through your eyes
Living through life flying high
Your love shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life
I offer my love, for you
When my heart was never open
(and my spirit never free)
To the world that you have shown me
But my eyes could not division
All the colors of love and of life ever more
Evermore
(I see me through your eyes)
I see me through your eyes
(Living through life flying high)
Flying high
Your love shines the way into paradise
So I offer my life as a sacrifice
And live through your love
And live through your life
I see you
I see you
Meeting Ana
"Hey Ana, how's your day going?" I said sitting next to her eating a peanut butter sandwich and pulling out several other things.
"Oh it's alright." She said getting up from our lunch table. "I'm going to workout."
I raised a brow, but it was normal for Ana to leave as soon as lunch started.
"Alright," I said around a bite of sandwich. "I'll see you in science."
"You know you could come with me." She smiled.
"Maybe tomorrow, I'm really hungry today."
She walked away muttering, "So am I."
I didn't know why she never ate with us, I had just accepted it to be how it was. After lunch we were waiting outside our classroom, our teacher was late as usual. "Ana, why don't you ever eat with us?" I whispered.
"You really want to know?"
I nodded. I did want to know she was my friend and I cared about her.
She pulled me into the bathroom right around the corner, and into the handicapped stall. We sat on the floor, and she started her story.
"I've never thought I looked good, and I decided that there was only one thing I could do." She paused. "I decided to starve off the parts I don't like."
I must have looked shocked, because she wrapped her thin arms around me, "It's okay Rae, I know what I'm doing. You don't really need to eat. Food is just something that is holding us back. It's something that is stopping us from being the best we can be."
I completely agreed with her. I had always been the fat girl, when I was in the 7th and 8th grade I had a few boys who would follow me around making booming noises. I knew what she felt like to not be happy with how you look. Truth be told I had gained about 60 pounds from grade 6 to grade 10.
"It isn't hard Rae, and you start to lose weight immediately. I usually have either chicken or beef broth for supper, and a piece of dry toast for breakfast."
I gaped at her, I came from a family who liked to eat all the time. We'd barely finish supper and my mother would have drug out snacks and chips and chocolate. Wow I realized at that moment why I was so big. I mean really I was a size 14, or 34 depending on what I was looking at. I hated myself, I was a cutter, and now I wanted Ana to show me the way.
"Oh Ana, will you help me?"
She gripped me tighter in her embrace, "Of course I will."
That was the first day I let Ana into my life, the day I really started to care about how I looked. And the day I realized I was the biggest, fattest, ugliest girl in the world.
That was when Ana started to affect me. Only she wasn't just my living breathing friend, she was also the voice inside my head.
*******************************
Ok so that's the first part of my story, so now I'll do an update on what's going on.
After I finished last night I had a mini binge and ate 6 small cookies, which showed up on the scale when I weighed myself. Yes I weigh myself at night, so that I can see how everything I put in my body really shows. I was rather upset because I gained 0.4 of a pound, which I know isn't really bad, but after consistently losing weight everyday I wanted to cry. So I started to make a list of items I want, like my belly button pierced, and a broken heart tattoo on my hip. Plus I have all these clothes that are too small that I bought that way, so that as I lose weight I won't have to buy very many clothes. And as I get smaller I plan on giving all of my FAT clothes to my sister, who is bigger then me, so to her they will be goal clothes. I live with my sister and she has yet to realized that I'm not eating which really excites me because the longer she doesn't notice the longer I can keep up this rapid weight loss.
"Oh it's alright." She said getting up from our lunch table. "I'm going to workout."
I raised a brow, but it was normal for Ana to leave as soon as lunch started.
"Alright," I said around a bite of sandwich. "I'll see you in science."
"You know you could come with me." She smiled.
"Maybe tomorrow, I'm really hungry today."
She walked away muttering, "So am I."
I didn't know why she never ate with us, I had just accepted it to be how it was. After lunch we were waiting outside our classroom, our teacher was late as usual. "Ana, why don't you ever eat with us?" I whispered.
"You really want to know?"
I nodded. I did want to know she was my friend and I cared about her.
She pulled me into the bathroom right around the corner, and into the handicapped stall. We sat on the floor, and she started her story.
"I've never thought I looked good, and I decided that there was only one thing I could do." She paused. "I decided to starve off the parts I don't like."
I must have looked shocked, because she wrapped her thin arms around me, "It's okay Rae, I know what I'm doing. You don't really need to eat. Food is just something that is holding us back. It's something that is stopping us from being the best we can be."
I completely agreed with her. I had always been the fat girl, when I was in the 7th and 8th grade I had a few boys who would follow me around making booming noises. I knew what she felt like to not be happy with how you look. Truth be told I had gained about 60 pounds from grade 6 to grade 10.
"It isn't hard Rae, and you start to lose weight immediately. I usually have either chicken or beef broth for supper, and a piece of dry toast for breakfast."
I gaped at her, I came from a family who liked to eat all the time. We'd barely finish supper and my mother would have drug out snacks and chips and chocolate. Wow I realized at that moment why I was so big. I mean really I was a size 14, or 34 depending on what I was looking at. I hated myself, I was a cutter, and now I wanted Ana to show me the way.
"Oh Ana, will you help me?"
She gripped me tighter in her embrace, "Of course I will."
That was the first day I let Ana into my life, the day I really started to care about how I looked. And the day I realized I was the biggest, fattest, ugliest girl in the world.
That was when Ana started to affect me. Only she wasn't just my living breathing friend, she was also the voice inside my head.
*******************************
Ok so that's the first part of my story, so now I'll do an update on what's going on.
After I finished last night I had a mini binge and ate 6 small cookies, which showed up on the scale when I weighed myself. Yes I weigh myself at night, so that I can see how everything I put in my body really shows. I was rather upset because I gained 0.4 of a pound, which I know isn't really bad, but after consistently losing weight everyday I wanted to cry. So I started to make a list of items I want, like my belly button pierced, and a broken heart tattoo on my hip. Plus I have all these clothes that are too small that I bought that way, so that as I lose weight I won't have to buy very many clothes. And as I get smaller I plan on giving all of my FAT clothes to my sister, who is bigger then me, so to her they will be goal clothes. I live with my sister and she has yet to realized that I'm not eating which really excites me because the longer she doesn't notice the longer I can keep up this rapid weight loss.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Story
So starting soon, I'm going to be posting my real life stories, which I'm actually going to start from two years ago, when I was first introduced to Ana. Now since the girl who introduced me to Ana doesn't know I'm doing this blog, I'm going to call her Ana. Now there are times when she resorted to Mia, so she is kind of like Ana in progress, because at this point in my life her and I no longer talk since we live many hours apart. I imagine that she has become the true form of Ana and will become thus in the "story".
What I Want
"Things I Want/Have/Will Always want
01. I want to be thin
02. I want to be able to wear all white and still look tiny.
03. I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint--rather cliche, but will always be true
04. I want to be beautiful
05. I want to rock a bikini
06. I want to not be embarrassed when I have to change in front of others
07. I want to be confident
08. I want to be the first one to shed her clothes at the beach
09. I want to be strong
10. I want to see my bones: my collarbones, my ribcage, and my hipbones especially
11. I want to fit into my mom's wedding dress when i get married (she only weighed 100 pounds when she wore it)
12. I want to put my hands inside my ribcage--twisted, right?
13. I want to deserve praise
14. I want to smile at the number on the scale or tape measure
15. I want people to call me thin
16. I want to be the thinnest girl in the room ALWAYS
17. I want to be hungry
18. I want to be someone's ultimate thinspo girl
19. I want to be proud
20. I want others to be jealous of my body
21. I want to feel accomplished
22. I want people to tell me to eat because i'm "too thin"
23. I want to love myself
24. I want bruises from bumping my bones on things when i'm clumsy
25. I want a concave stomach--flat simply isn't good enough
26. I want to make Ana proud
27. I want to never have to consider Mia because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up
28. I want delicate, stick-thin legs (instead of my disgusting thunder thighs)
29. I want to be in the double--not triple--digits on the scale
30. I want the pain of payment...
31. I want to be able to be lifted into the air by a single helium ballon (not possible... I know)
32. I want to be the girl every guy wants to be with
33. I don't want to be invisible
34. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see
35. I want to be able to shop anywhere
36. I want other girls to envy me
37. I want to always feel hungry--and not eat
38. I want the will power to always say no to compulsive eating
39. I want to not fight with myself over getting on the treadmill
40. I want to walk into a room and have every guy reconsider their girlfriend--because I'm prettier and thinner
thank you too Ana's Girl for the list... I did however add the last ten... as things I do desperatly want... "It will never be enough to just be thin, I want that extra pound and that extra inch, I want perfection."
01. I want to be thin
02. I want to be able to wear all white and still look tiny.
03. I want to walk in the snow and not leave a footprint--rather cliche, but will always be true
04. I want to be beautiful
05. I want to rock a bikini
06. I want to not be embarrassed when I have to change in front of others
07. I want to be confident
08. I want to be the first one to shed her clothes at the beach
09. I want to be strong
10. I want to see my bones: my collarbones, my ribcage, and my hipbones especially
11. I want to fit into my mom's wedding dress when i get married (she only weighed 100 pounds when she wore it)
12. I want to put my hands inside my ribcage--twisted, right?
13. I want to deserve praise
14. I want to smile at the number on the scale or tape measure
15. I want people to call me thin
16. I want to be the thinnest girl in the room ALWAYS
17. I want to be hungry
18. I want to be someone's ultimate thinspo girl
19. I want to be proud
20. I want others to be jealous of my body
21. I want to feel accomplished
22. I want people to tell me to eat because i'm "too thin"
23. I want to love myself
24. I want bruises from bumping my bones on things when i'm clumsy
25. I want a concave stomach--flat simply isn't good enough
26. I want to make Ana proud
27. I want to never have to consider Mia because there is nothing in my stomach to throw up
28. I want delicate, stick-thin legs (instead of my disgusting thunder thighs)
29. I want to be in the double--not triple--digits on the scale
30. I want the pain of payment...
31. I want to be able to be lifted into the air by a single helium ballon (not possible... I know)
32. I want to be the girl every guy wants to be with
33. I don't want to be invisible
34. I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see
35. I want to be able to shop anywhere
36. I want other girls to envy me
37. I want to always feel hungry--and not eat
38. I want the will power to always say no to compulsive eating
39. I want to not fight with myself over getting on the treadmill
40. I want to walk into a room and have every guy reconsider their girlfriend--because I'm prettier and thinner
thank you too Ana's Girl for the list... I did however add the last ten... as things I do desperatly want... "It will never be enough to just be thin, I want that extra pound and that extra inch, I want perfection."
Day 4
So today went well... I ate 500 cals, which yes is over my 400 cal limit, but for a former compulsive eater I thought it was good. I walked for about half an hour, and plan on doing something else before I go to bed. I managed to get out of eating my sister's pasta, and ate only a few mouthfuls of it to make her happy, but had broccoli instead of the fatty pasta. Ana didn't really get mad at me today, probably because she know's I'm trying and the fact that I've lost almost 6 pounds helps!!
Hope tomorrow goes better, tomorrow is a 100 Cal day.... I hope I don't fail. Wish me luck.
Hope tomorrow goes better, tomorrow is a 100 Cal day.... I hope I don't fail. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
ABC
So for those of you who are unaware of what ABC is it is Ana Boot Camp. I started it on Sunday.
Here's the "diet" if you want to know the specifics.
1: 500 calories(or less)
2: 500 calories(or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
So Sunday went well, it was fairly easy and I didn't feel hungry or tired once.
Monday I did well I was under my 500 limit and then the monster came out. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't bored, I wasn't sad. I ate perogies and cheese toast, but managed to stop myself before I ate the second piece of cheese toast I had made. I was very upset with myself but was still able to lose 0.2lbs. I don't know how because I ate about 1200cals that day. So it was at that point I decided instead of starting ABC over again, I would just document where I slipped up and add those days onto the end. So right now I'm looking at 51 days of ABC.
I have also made the decision to pick up Pilate's and start and more rigorous exercise regime. I'm going to start with half an hour four times a week and increase from there.
Here's the "diet" if you want to know the specifics.
1: 500 calories(or less)
2: 500 calories(or less)
3: 300 calories
4: 400 calories
5: 100 calories
6: 200 calories
7: 300 calories
8: 400 calories
9: 500 calories
10: fast
11: 150 calories
12: 200 calories
13: 400 calories
14: 350 calories
15: 250 calories
16: 200 calories
17: fast
18: 200 calories
19: 100 calories
20: fast
21: 300 calories
22: 250 calories
23: 200 calories
24: 150 calories
25: 100 calories
26: 50 calories
27: 100 calories
28: 200 calories
29: 200 calories
30: 300 calories
31: 800
32: fast
33: 250 calories
34: 350 calories
35: 450 calories
36: fast
37: 500 calories
38: 450 calories
39: 400 calories
40: 350 calories
41: 300 calories
42: 250 calories
43: 200 calories
44: 200 calories
45: 250 calories
46: 200 calories
47: 300 calories
48: 200 calories
49: 150 calories
50: fast
So Sunday went well, it was fairly easy and I didn't feel hungry or tired once.
Monday I did well I was under my 500 limit and then the monster came out. I wasn't hungry, I wasn't bored, I wasn't sad. I ate perogies and cheese toast, but managed to stop myself before I ate the second piece of cheese toast I had made. I was very upset with myself but was still able to lose 0.2lbs. I don't know how because I ate about 1200cals that day. So it was at that point I decided instead of starting ABC over again, I would just document where I slipped up and add those days onto the end. So right now I'm looking at 51 days of ABC.
I have also made the decision to pick up Pilate's and start and more rigorous exercise regime. I'm going to start with half an hour four times a week and increase from there.
Starting Out
Hey guys,
for all intents and purposes my name is Rae, I'm 19 and have falling deeply and irrevocably in love with Ana (anorexia). This is a pro-ana site, if you have a problem with that I don't want to know, you can just leave and pretend that you never saw this site. Kay?
So I guess you all want a bit of my history? Originally I was an emotional overeater, and compulsive eater, and until about two weeks ago lived as such. I am currently classified as morbidly obease, but have lived parts of my life with Ana. I had decided that I would rather be fat and be able to eat what ever I wanted when I wanted, then be thin and restrict what I ate... then I became so fat that I hated myself, I almost didn't attend my own graduation because of my self loathing. Now after two weeks of my new life style and only one binge I'm starting to feel good about who I am again.
I know that alot of fat people say that they are anorexic to get attention, but that's not what this is about. I have decided that if I'm going to have an "eating disorder" I might as well be thin and beautiful rather than fat and gross.
So far I have lost five pounds and am incredibly happy about that, but I want more! I want to get to my target weight in less then a year... and that means I have another 95 pounds to go!! Now remember I did say I was over weight, and I meant actually over weight. I am currently sitting at 229lbs. Uuug, don't hate me I'm working on it. Like I said I've already lost 95. 200 is my first target, then 170, then 140, and finally 130. I think in the end I'll want to be less then 130, in fact I know I will want to be less. But keep in mind these are just targets, each one with a specific reward. I only have rewards for 200 and 170 so far though and the 170 one might become the reward for 140 instead.
Just wanted to post my background before I get into really posting.
I will be posting typical conversations I "have" with Ana. They aren't actually happening, but they are kind of what I tell myself each day. Hopefully I will be able to post everyday, if not every few. I am currently waiting for my computer to get back from repairs.
I'll be posting the last few days I went through tonight so that you all have something to read other then my lame background information.
Rae
for all intents and purposes my name is Rae, I'm 19 and have falling deeply and irrevocably in love with Ana (anorexia). This is a pro-ana site, if you have a problem with that I don't want to know, you can just leave and pretend that you never saw this site. Kay?
So I guess you all want a bit of my history? Originally I was an emotional overeater, and compulsive eater, and until about two weeks ago lived as such. I am currently classified as morbidly obease, but have lived parts of my life with Ana. I had decided that I would rather be fat and be able to eat what ever I wanted when I wanted, then be thin and restrict what I ate... then I became so fat that I hated myself, I almost didn't attend my own graduation because of my self loathing. Now after two weeks of my new life style and only one binge I'm starting to feel good about who I am again.
I know that alot of fat people say that they are anorexic to get attention, but that's not what this is about. I have decided that if I'm going to have an "eating disorder" I might as well be thin and beautiful rather than fat and gross.
So far I have lost five pounds and am incredibly happy about that, but I want more! I want to get to my target weight in less then a year... and that means I have another 95 pounds to go!! Now remember I did say I was over weight, and I meant actually over weight. I am currently sitting at 229lbs. Uuug, don't hate me I'm working on it. Like I said I've already lost 95. 200 is my first target, then 170, then 140, and finally 130. I think in the end I'll want to be less then 130, in fact I know I will want to be less. But keep in mind these are just targets, each one with a specific reward. I only have rewards for 200 and 170 so far though and the 170 one might become the reward for 140 instead.
Just wanted to post my background before I get into really posting.
I will be posting typical conversations I "have" with Ana. They aren't actually happening, but they are kind of what I tell myself each day. Hopefully I will be able to post everyday, if not every few. I am currently waiting for my computer to get back from repairs.
I'll be posting the last few days I went through tonight so that you all have something to read other then my lame background information.
Rae
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
