Recently I have felt like I am in an eating spiral that I just can't get out of. We are moving in two weeks and we have to get rid of a bunch of our food, which of course means I am eating far more then normal. It makes me feel emotionally sick, I can watch my thighs expanding, and my stomach bulging, but at the same time I don't want to have to throw out the food, because it makes me feel bad. So do I feel bad cause I'm getting fatter (which I can fix), or for throwing out food (which I don't have the money to replace)? I'm in such a predicament, it sucks. Anyway, I know that isn't what you guys want to read. I found the most triggering video on YouTube, and it is where I have found my untold goal weight. It has remained untold because I know if I say it this will be more real, more scary.

So I have started packing, and have packed 16 boxes of books so far, and still have more to pack. I need to get rid of stuff. I also back a huge suitcase of goal clothes, which freed up a lot of space in my closet, it's amazing, however I have so many fat clothes that my closet is still full. I want to be able to start getting rid of them soon. I can give them all to my sister, cause no matter what I will always be smaller then her. Even when I weighed more then her I was still smaller.

Now is the best time for me to be starting a new life, a smaller life. I am moving, and no one knows me where I am going, no one knows the old me. I can become anything I want to be. Anyone I want to be.

I was with my friend for a few days, which really kind of sucks, because she is thin she's between a size 3 and 5, and she keeps talking about how she has lost 5 pounds and now all her clothes fit better, or how she needs to lose 2 more pounds before her 18Th. I am just like shut up, I am so fat it isn't even laughable. Yet she always tells me I'm not fat, that I am gorgeous. I hate how friends always lie to you. They just try to make you happy, but by lying to you they are setting you up for disappointment.

Moving on, I know you all like stories so I thought I'd treat you with one.
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It had been a few days since I had seen Ana, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see her again. We had had an argument, and she had left saying she wouldn't be coming back. So far she hadn't been back.

"I've been watching you."

I jumped startled. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"I could never leave you forever. I just had to prove my point."

I looked at her questioningly.

"That you don't have any self control without me." She said placing a boney hand on my fat arm.

"Thank you for coming back to me. I can't promise that I won't fight back, but I can promise to try, and I can promise that I will slowly get better at listening to you."

Ana smiled. "You will try, or you will always be fat." She said sternly. "But you will get better with my help."

I nodded, I was going to get better, and I was going to get thinner, and I was certainly going to reward myself for doing just such.

I grabbed Ana's hand, not for the first time, but hopefully for the last time. I didn't ever want her to leave me, and if I wasn't careful she would do just that. So now I would have to start trying to please her and only her. Because pleasing her meant getting what I wanted.
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And I will get what I want.