Him

So I went out to the bar today after having a decent day food and exercise wise, and had a great time lol. So it was 80's themed and I dressed up... purple leggings short jean shorts, a white shirt with rainbows and love written all over it. I had a blast and I hate to say it but I looked pretty darn good (even though I still kept thinking about how fat I am...). So this guy was looking at me all night (which I know because I was staring at him all night lol... and after the music stopped and almost everyone had left, this girl comes over. We went to high school together she graduated a year before me and she says "So what's your name? That guy over there wants to know." I was like... "Rae...." and she was like "oh ok I'll tell him, he's cute right?" and sadly I was like "Yeah, I've been staring at him all night." and she's like "I'm gonna tell him that" I was like "oh don't it's so embarrassing" and she's like "But not tonight maybe next weekend." so she also told me her name and that she thought I was really pretty, and that she thought his name was Craig. So my "wife" told me to hurry up and get my ass outside... so I did and I stood there while she had a smoke and he came outside and looked around and was like "Do any of you have a cell phone I can borrow?" so of course I gave him mine even though I knew he had one cause I had seen him talking on it several time that night... so he was pulling a card out of his wallet to dial the number and his buddy was like "She has a phone" she being the much skinnier prettier girl, and he was like "I've already got one." Now this is going to sound corny but when he gave me back my phone I purposely made sure our fingers brushed... just to have that moment. So yeah a good night haven't weighed myself tonight won't for another half hour at least so that some of the liquids will get out lol... anyway hope you all are doing as good as I am right now

Blood... Thinspiration

So I gave blood last night... it was amazing... not only that but this guy I met was there. He is positively adorable... and my friend and I are pretty sure he has only had one or two girlfriends before. He's very quite and shy... and crazy smart. I have this burning desire to be beautiful suddenly. I haven't had that feeling for a while... so hopefully this is a step in the right direction.


So this is Kim Yuna from South Korea... she took gold in women's figure skating(not sure which one...) but she is incredibly tiny, and beautiful... and I thought she deserved a place on my wall...









I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Donating, Binging

Hey guys sorry I haven't been posting or commenting. It isn't for a lack of time, I just read about how well you guys are doing and get really sad because I have just been binging and binging since JJ fucked off. Thankfully when I weighed myself last night I was at 223.2... so not too much of a weight gain... but it makes me really sad... tomorrow I am going to donate blood... which will result in immeadiate weight loss... which is exciting... Oh and my calculus teacher informed us today that she can't donate blood because she doesn't weigh enough... here you have to weigh at least 110... which means she is what I aspire to be....

Stay Strong my pretties.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect!

Better Day

So far today has been okay... I had originally planned on fasting, but instead I've had 5 calorie jello, and a salad. So about 75 cals so far. I plan on trying to stay under 700cals today and going for a walk at some point. Hopefully I won't have gained too much weight this week. So fasting tomorrow. Hopefully it will go well!

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Oh and some reverse thinspo....



These girls are one of my friends univeristy friends... it makes me wish I could survive on air!!!

BingyMcPhee

So I've been binging more and more lately... I had a horrible binge day again... and the worst part is I don't even know why. I'm not unhappy (except about my body), I'm not super stressed (only a little), and I'm not even hungry. It's just like the food hops in my mouth and then my mouth chews by its self... I have no control over it. I'm hoping to fast for a few days because I have gained alot of weight back this past week... even though weigh in isn't until tomorrow, I know that I will have gained weight no matter what I do... hopefully I will be able to regain my control rather quickly.

Monday Fast

Ok so I started school on Thursday it's now Saturday, I have two weeks of Calculus to catch up on because I'm a returning student and just decided on a whim one day that I was going back. SO know I'm a bit stressed because I have that and I have my Forensic Science, and band of course. Speaking of band we have to go to festival on Monday and I can't play half the music! Oh well I decided I'd eat a bit over the weekend to keep up my energy level, but I have to be very careful what I'm eating. But I am also going out dancing and for walks... so it should be ok... I hope... I'm going to fast on Monday so if anyone is interested, we can do it together! ;)

Eating

SO today was my first day of school again, I did really well all morning and then the Reese's just found their way into my mouth, and a sub, and some more chocolate, and then some fries, and then half a stromboli, and then more reese's and then mini eggs... and then I realized that I hadn't just ate today.... I binged like nobody's business... on the plus side however... my pop was diet instead ot regular... I don't know how big of a plus that is...

So tomorrow I am going to get my passport done, because my school's band is going to Seattle... which is exciting...

Anyway nothing good to report today so I'm stopping here.

Wake up STOMP

So I just had the biggest wake up of my life. I hadn't talked to JJ in a couple days, so I went and sought him out tonight, of course he was stoned out of his mind, he ignored me until he asked if I wanted to start walking home, cause we had been walk with a couple of other people. He hadn't looked at me all night, he didn't say hi when I got there, and he only talked to me if I talked to him. I was like "What's going on?" He was like mumble mumble mumble, "I decided last night that I only want to be friends." My first thought was you fucking shit, you were just playing with the fat girl until something better came along. Then I was like oh my god, I'm just too fat. I had to weigh myself once I got home... 223.8, so down a great deal from yesterday, the product of lots of walking, and very little food. Oh so I was just informed that JJ thought I was coming on too strong, yet he was the one always trying to feel me up... I don't get it.


Sorry for the rant guys... bad night... I know you all understand....

Picture Post

So this was on January 8th, right after I got my camera.







This was tonight.







This was also tonight.




So this was last week before I got my hair cut. I think you can see a difference in my face. Like how fat it looks I mean.








And this is JJ.... and this is how he always takes pictures....

Grrrr!!

SO I've been eating really bad the past couple of days. I'm having some issues with JJ, which is making me a bit emotional. So after these two days of eating I'm sitting at 225.2... bleh... it sucks... but I'm doing day two of the running program tonight, and going to my old high school tomorrow. I'm going to take water with me and maybe a diet soda.... but no money and no food. I plan on having a good day tomorrow. I have to study for forensics. I'm taking a few courses while I'm trying to find a job. I have so much work to do especially on my body. I promise to post some pic's a bit later... cause I didn't before.

I just feel like no matter what I do it isn't ever going to be good enough. I look at all my friends and notice that every single one of them is smaller then me. And then I realized... that's why I'm looked at as the "friend". No guy's see me as a potential girlfriend. Then JJ comes along and I'm all he wants. He's been chasing me for almost 3 years, and now that I want to give it a shot, he doesn't want to date. He's afraid of one of us getting hurt. So right now our offical title is "People who randomly make out." I love it and hate it at the same time. Just like I love and hate Ana.

I'm thinking that maybe if I go to the school everyday, it might help me. Not only that but it is also like at least a 20 minute walk there, which would also help. I'm also going to start drinking more green tea. I love green tea I just forget to drink... like anything at all...

So I think I'm going to have to figure out why I'm all upset, and then worry about getting back on track, because until I have it figured out I won't be able to get back on track no matter how hard I try!

Short Update, Story

Just a quick update and story. So today I was doing really well, then I came home kinda hungry(I hadn't eaten for 7 hours) and decided it would be a good idea to make pizza. I ate half of it bleh, so like half of a medium pizza. I feel so sick right now, so I'm letting my stomach settle and then doing the running program. I have also been chugging water like it is going out of style. Which is making me fee bloated. And to top it all off, JJ is going to the hospital tomorrow to get "emotional stabilizers". Just before I realized what he was talking about I said "If you fucking show up stoned tomorrow, I'll leave you on the deck." So to say the least I feel pretty bad. He likes smoking weed to mellow out, but hasn't for almost a month.

So the story today, is actually just story, completely fiction... for the most part.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I rubbed at where my collar bone should be, and saw the fat compress under my touch. I slide my hand down to where the roll covered where my hip bones were. All the years of eating junk and definitely caught up with me. Years of my mother telling me to clean my plate, or to have some chips. I hated myself, more then anything else in the world. I had quit cutting almost three years ago, now when I got upset or angry I would bite myself, hard enough to leave a mark, but not hard enough to draw blood. I had just barely raised my wrist to my mouth when she showed up.

"What cha doing?" Ana asked in her sing song voice.

"Easing my pain." I replied simply.

"How is that going to help? You binged, now you need to workout, so that you don't add even more lard to that fat body of yours."

Ana was so harsh, but she was always right. "Ana, what should I do?" It was always the same question, with a varied answer.

"Well for starters you can do your running program, then do the sexy stretch," She paused to laugh, "Though I don't know if anyone could consider you sexy."

Again she was right, and I knew it. The whole reason for JJ not wanting to date had to be because of my weight right? I mean all his other girlfriends had been very thin and very flexible. One day I would be there too.

Ana gave me a light push towards the treadmill. I turned and went to my room instead.

"What are you doing?" Ana screamed at me, "You have to work out!"

I ignored her, and slid on my walking clothes, and then my shoes. "Ana I just wanted to get ready. I don't like walking and jogging in jeans."

"You weren't going to skip out?"

"No Ana. I want your help."

"Good."

"Til death due us part, remember?" I said with a smile, as I started walking on the treadmill.

Story

So I was going to go to bed straight away, but decided to post a short story episode.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Ana looked at the scale as I stepped on for the third time, just to make sure we got the same reading each time. "Well Rae, you have made some progress, but I expect you to stick with the plan you layed out."

I stared at the numbers in shock, "I know Ana, I didn't really try hard this week, but I didn't binge either, so it's ok."

Ana looked very angry, her glare piercing my heart. "It is not, OK! You didn't try! For all you know if you had tried you would have hit your goal."

Ana was right as usual. If I had walked a bit more, or ate a bit less I would have hit my goal. "Ana, I will hit it next week, I promise."

"Yes bet your fat ass you will, because tomorrow you start the running program and 700 cals a day!"

I nodded I remembered without her help. "I know."

"God that ass is fat! I don't know how JJ can stand groping it when you guys makeout, then again that fat stomach is right in between you." He words were harsh as usual, but they were all true. I had wondered the same thing not long before.

I looked into the mirror staring at my naked reflection. It was grotesque. I hated it. "Ana help me?" I whispered.

"Of course." She said wrapping her frail arms around me. "Til death due us part. Remember?"

How could I forget? I just nodded.

Results

So I can't say that Valentines day sucked... JJ came over this morning at like 10:30... so I had barely even made it out of bed... we cuddled and watched a couple of movies, went to the theater to watch Percy Jackson... then he came over later in the evening and we snuggled some more... however his dad wouldn't let him stay the night. :( He is well aware of my boundaries and that he is going to have to wait for me, and hes ok with that. So I also just did my weigh in and such and the results are as follows:

Weight: 222.0 (2.0lbs away from my first goal!)
Body Fat: 39.9 (-1.0% in total)
Inches: -0.75 this week


So I am gradually seeing results... fitting into pants I haven't worn in threes years. I am also excited that I am so close to my first goal. Of course being slightly happier then I have been makes it easier... it also makes it easier that JJ is basically borderline anorexic. He moved away for a few months and lost 45lbs, and now he only eats when he's really hungry or someone makes him... like this morning... I had one slice of toast with a little bit of nutella, he had three lol... then he didn't eat until supper... So when I'm with someone who is never eating it makes it easier for me to not eat. Anyway I thought we could all do with some good news... so that is mine... Happier, close to goal 1... and really hungry as I post this... but going to bed once I hit publish.

Goodnight my lovelies, stay strong.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Decision Made

So after giving it some more thought I decided to give JJ a shot (My old friend). Of course I am going to have to set boundaries and be rather strict, but if it doesn't work out it doesn't. But I think he'll try hard, I mean he has been trying to get me for two and a half years now. If he isn't willing to cooperate with me then he gets the boot. But I'm really tired and he's coming over in the morning so I should probably go to bed lol. Stay strong my beauties.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Mistake

So I went out to the bar after my friend left, and realized what a huge mistake I had made. There is no way that I'm over Joseph, so there is no way I can be with this new guy. Gah! So now I'm in a mess. I know that I want to be with Joseph and will wait for him, but I don't want to crush this other guys heart. I was thinking about it, and I was like, "As soon as I say Joseph my breath hitched and I got really warm and couldn't think... This other guy I only have friend feelings for".... guess I have to go break a heart.

Old Friend

So today I got together with an old friend of mine whom I haven't seen in months. We went and saw another friend of ours whom I also haven't seen in a long time. She's really skinny and pretty and is my other friends ex(the first friend I met up with). So once we left her house, him and I went back to my place. Where he confessed that he really wanted to have sex with me. I was more then slightly shocked, but at the same time knew it. He had been after me about two years ago. So I told him that I wanted a something long term, I didn't just want a fling. So all evening he was really sweet, ya know holding me, kissing me, then once my sister went to bed he was like "you are so frustrating." I was like, "You know what I want" cause I am a complete virgin. The worst that I have done is making out with someone. I have never gotten very far with a guy just because of how insecure I am. I hate turning him down, because I really want to be with him. But at the same time I have to keep some of my integredy. However the other problem is if he doesn't find a job his Dad is going to kick him out... again. I was sitting there and I'm like he's 17 and you're going to kick him out again?!?!

Sorry for the rant guys. On the plus side I only had one meal today and a few mini chocolate eggs. So overall not too bad of a day. Hopefully Mr. Scale won't treat me too badly.

Yay! Story Time!

So I was writing some inspirational stuff in my Ana journal, and realized that I haven't posted any story stuff in a while, so here goes nothing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Rae look at yourself. Do you see what I see?"
I shook my head.
"I see a lonely, fat girl who has no hope of finding a boy. At least not with that body. I can't see ribs, or hip bones, I can't even see your collar bone! You disgust me!"
"Ana I'm sorry. But I have a new plan, and I'm going to stick to it. I want to fit into those pants by the beginning of March, middle of March at the latest."
"Ha! You told me that you had tried before Christmas and it didn't work."
"This time I have you Ana. I know I can do it with your help."
Ana looked at me sternly. I knew what she was thinking. I turned back to the mirror, I was only wearing my bra and underwear, something I could hardly stand to see myself in. I could see the fat hanging off of me. I could see the roles that made up my stomach. I could see the lard hanging off of my back. The cupcakes on my butt. The pizza on my thighs. The chocolate on my arms. I felt a tear slid down the donut that was my cheek.
"Oh Ana! It's horrible."
"And YOU keep forgetting that." She smartly pointed out.
I nodded. "Ana please remind me every time I forget. I don't want to be like this anymore."
Ana wrapped her thin arm around my bulging waist. "I will help you as long as you want my help."
"Don't ever leave me. Please don't ever leave me." I sobbed, still staring at my reflection.
"I won't." She promised.
"'Til death due us part?" I whispered hopefully.
"'Til death due us part." She agreed.

So both tonight and last night I made cookies for my mom because she's in her 50's and has a bad back so it's really hard on her to do it. I did not too bad... over the course of two days I had probably too many but I have definately managed to limit myself. I'm starting to feel a sense of control. I've quite started Wasted yet, but I would still love to hear your guy's favorite parts. I would also like to take a moment to mention that the past couple night I have been watching hockey with my dad which is something we just do. I tried coconut curry tofu tonight, which is actually really good. I need to find food with my omega's in them because I'm alleric to fish and eggs. Its kind of weird but when I binge it tends to be on foods that are healthy rather then unhealthy... which I guess is why I don't really get too mad at myself. So the plan for the rest of this week... which is like Friday and Saturday, is to stay under 800 cals. I'm taking a slightly different approach and I'm going to slowly cut out foods and replace them with negative calorie foods. I also plan on starting the running program that Ana's Girl started last week. It has always been a goal of mine to be able to run... and I can barely run for a couple of minutes right now before I'm winded.

Anyway to recap, bad couple of days. Going to stay under 800 calories the next couple of days. Starting the running program on Monday. Then I also think I'm going to decrease my caloric intake to 700 calories next week as well. I want to be able to stay on track, so if I'm going to "over eat" it's going to be only healthy foods. And on Fridays I can have one "treat" I don't want to get into the habit of having nibblies whenever I please. I'm excited. The weight should start to slide off if I can stay on track. Also if I over eat I will be doing at least 5km on my bike just to help burn a few more calories.

Let me know what you think. Oh also tomorrow at some point I will be posting photos... I want brutal honesty, as well as suggestions as to the best ways to help burn more calories, or stay on track. Anything that you think would be helpful.

Wasted

Okay so I just picked up Wasted and can't wait to start reading it. What parts did you guys find the most inspiring, motivating, helpful... or what ever? So anyway I put on my winter coat today 'cause I had to go into town with my mom, and it wasn't tight in my hips/lower stomach part. Which makes my really happy, actually seeing improvement makes me realize just how worth it, it is to be hungry. So when I get home I'll be posting a few pics... mostly because I got my hair cut...

Parents

So I'm spending the night at my parents house... and I ate rather normally today... I didn't over eat like I usually do which makes me happy, but I'm worried that I will have gained weight. I'm hoping with the couple ot walks I took, and using my mom's "Jiggler" it like viberates your whole body. I'm hoping that everything works out!

Liars

So every time I feel down because of the way I look, my friends are like "But you are so pretty." And I'm like well then how come guys don't think so? I'm just too fat. And them they are like "You are not fat!" But in reality I'm about 100lbs over weight which makes me morbidly obese. But they they say "That doesn't make you fat!"
But if you are 100lbs overweight how can you not be fat? I can see the gross disgusting fat hanging off of my bones and I hate it. However because of my stupid emotional eating I eat every time I get upset. I'm trying to change that. I want to get into the habit of doing something more constructive when I'm upset, something like writing, or playing the piano, or workout. So right now I'm going to list some of my goals.
1.Become beautiful (duh, every girls dream)
2.Find better friends
3.Get control of my eating
4.Snag a guy
5.See bone (hips especially)
6.Be happy with who I am
7.Learn how to do different workouts
8.Workout more often
9.Eat healthier foods
10.Don't be so obsessive

Spinach

So I woke up when my alarm went off this morning, went to the washroom and... fell asleep for another two and a half hours... not that I mind because I haven't been sleeping well lately. So when I woke up again my first thought was, "I am going to go make myself some spinach salad so that I don't binge today." I was so shocked at what I had just said but then I was like this is a step in the right direction. So with eating spinach salad, an orange and drinking diet pepsi lime, I feel really good today. I have eaten a total of maybe 15 cals... because I haven't touched most of what I prepared for myself... I feel so in control... now I just have to maintain that control. With that in mind I hope you are all doing well.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Yuck

I just realized that Valentines Day is less then a week away and I am yet again alone... I have also gained 0.4lbs... putting my at 226.6... which sucks... how ever I did lose 0.5 of an inch off of each bicep... and 0.1% bF. How ever if I was thinner perhaps I wouldn't be alone again... I hate being alone... it makes me really upset... I hate how fat I am, and I really hate that I can't see any of my bones.... the only part of my body I like are my wrists... because they feel boney... and to make it even worse... for V-day... I'm going to see Avatar... in 3D... with my sister... who is at least 2 sizes bigger then me and thinks I eat just as much... only I dont even eat as much as her when I binge its digusting... sorry enough with the rant...
Stay strong lovelies.
I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Fail

Well... I hate family get togethers. My nephew was over, and the pizza I have been avoided happened. My sister made me one for myself, since I am the only vegetarian in my entire family. Over the course of 5 hours I ate half of it... which is horrible, so I'm going to have to counter this attack with tonnes of exercise and a couple of days of fasting, when I know I won't be having family around. Gah failure... I haven't done very good yet... but I'm going to get better. Unfortunately my binge today will probably tip the scales out of my favor, because I was doing good... oh well we'll see.

Getting Better

Hey guys, I realize my latest post haven't been very happy. But the good news is that it is 2:15 my time and I have yet to touch any food. I decided that if I was going to eat anything it would be spinach salad since you can eat 3 cups of spinach and it's only 15 calories. So hopefully I will have some good results instead of bad ones, because tonight is result night. And yes I know that you weigh less in the morning, but I want to know what I weigh at the end of the day after I have ate and drank, not what I weigh after my body has helped to get rid of a binge or something. Any who.... I think I'll also post some thinspo in a bit as well as som story for you folks. Thank you to all of you who comment on my blog, it helps me to know that you guys care/

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Titleless

Hey guys, last night was killer... I hated every minute of it... now I have officially hated every minute of today. I have put weight back on... which is driving me nuts, cause I didn't think I had done that bad. Oh the other hand, I feel so bad about myself right now that I could have put on like 20 pounds and feel the same... whoa so I just made a discovery... I don't have any real friends in my town, and the only thing really keeping me going is this blog... that is truly sad. Oh well... at this point in time I want to lose all the weight just to show Joseph what he is missing out on. Wish me luck.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

I'm Done

So after leaving the bar early because I had a shitty night my friend texts me and says "I wish you hadn't left... and I have bad news". I was like okay... I wonder what happened. So finally she texted me back and was like... "He doesn't like you in a dating way. but we didn't want to tell you earlier." I'm like just fucking great. So I was right he didn't come tonight because he doesn't want me. I even dressed up really pretty, did my hair and all... and he just decided not to come because I'm not even worth a text message saying can't make it... I hate myself so much right now... that all I can do is cry... and wait for a messaging saying "sorry we should've told you earlier."... not that that would ever happen. Oh and my one friend has the nerve to say "please don't be mad at me, it's my last night here." In my mind I was like "I have every right to be mad at you." Oh and my other friend says "I knew for a couple of days... I thought it would change." Great you knew for days and didn't tell me... great fucking friends I have.

All I want is to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Laptop

So now that I have MY laptop back I don't have to be as paranoid about someone finding this out. Oh the plus side I'm now down to 225... not that its actually weigh in day but I thought it was cool. And on a whim yesterday I bought some diet pills... So today I've only hade about 350 cals... and won't be eating again... except maybe a small snack IF I need it. I'm going out dancing tonight which will more then burn off the calories I ate today... which I had to eat because my mother was with me, and would've been weirded out that I wasn't eating and then would've been on my case. I also bought wintergirls today... at least I think thats what it's called... I can't wait to read it... it is next on my list. See you all later.

Fasting? Laptop, Him!

So I failed at fasting... but on the plus side I was under 500 cals, and I plan on working out when I get home. The only reason I ate was because my mom made it special for me, and I didn't want her to feel bad. However the punishment is as follows: 30 min bike, 30 min treadmill, and Slim in 6... hopefully that will repair the damage and keep me from binging tonight... but then again I am so exhausted that by the time I'm done working out, I will probably collapse and not wake up until early tomorrow morning, when I get to go to the city and pick up my laptop! which has finally been repaired. On another note... all I want to fucking do is talk about him! I couldn't sleep last night because I couldn't stop thinking about him. I feel like a love sick teen. only I know I'm not skinny enough or pretty enough for him... and that is entirely my own fault!

Story... and my Fail Win?

So my insomnia has taken over tonight... so I'm up at 5ish am posting... So I weigh myself every night before I go to bed... which is about 2:30am... and wouldn't ya know it I lost 0.4lbs... even after binging for like 2 days straight I don't get it... so at the moment I am 225.8... lowest I've been in quite a while... but I am going out Friday night and need to shave off like an inch off my stomach if I can so if any of you have some tips or tricks, post a comment please!! I am "planning" on fasting for the next two days hopefully that will help!! I just hope I have enough control for that!! And since I'm up I'm browsing the web for suggestions... and I'm going to post more story in this blog entry... because I can!
**************************
"God you are such a fat cow! You do know that, right?" Ana asked, tear rimmed eyes staring me down.
"I know Ana, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I wasn't listening to you. I just couldn't help it. It was like the peanut butter and chocolate chips forced their way into my mouth."
"Ha more like you forced them in. You went way over your calorie limit for the past," Ana paused to calculate. "Jesus! It's almost been a week. You NEED to recommit. Do you want Joseph to think you are a fat cow? Do you want him to think about you, or think about how your fat goes the opposite direction as you?"
I gaped at her, did she really just say that? "Ana I'm sorry, will you please help me?"
"Your mother will be suspisious." She warned.
"What do I say?"
"Tell her good o'l faithful, you don't feel well."
I scoffed. "She won't buy that."
"Yes she will. Trust me."
"Til death due us part." I vowed.

Fail, Good Times

So I had a surge of followers today that went from three to eleven... which is amazing... but i don't really deserve all of you following me right now... I failed on ABC day one... stupid peanut butter on toast with chocolate chips... any who... on the plus side I finally got around to ordering Wasted! So hopefully that will help. Oh and on the other plus side, Joseph... the guy I like put away a few of my worries about him, and drove me home... so I felt pretty good... I mean it's not like he gave me a choice... it was either accept the ride... or he probably would have hog tied me and taken me anyway... So that is the update for right now... hopefully tomorrow I will find some control... I need to be perfect.

Clothing

So today I have a friend coming over too help me figure out how many inches I have to lose for certain articles of clothing... even though I already know its soomething like 5 inches for the one dress... and like 10 inches for this expensive shirt I got for like a dollar... I'm hoping just trying them on will be motivation enough.

ABC, Try 2

So starting at 12:00pm February 3rd I am starting ABC again. because obviously my first try didn't work out too well. But I'm going to use Monday's as cheat days, since Sunday is my result day... I don't want to mess up my result day... so I'm putting cheat days right after the result day. Also I would like to state that I put off starting this blog for a month before I finally got up the courage to just do it. So this time I'm expecting all of you to keep me accountable... since I assume you all expect me to succeed. I will succeed this time. I'm going to make it at least half way through. I want to be perfect.

Yuck!

So today I ate about 1200cals... which is considered "normal" I think it's obscene. So to make up for it I am working off 1000 cals, 14km on my bike, 30min on the treadmill, slim in 6, 30min strength training.... gah I hate working out but I need to do it.
I want to be thin, I want to be beautiful, I want to feel worthy, I need to be perfect!

Acceptance

After Lee had left, I felt alone and hungry. When she was around I didn't feel the need to eat, mostly because she was never eating. Soon I let that hunger just consume me. Lee was gone and Ana wouldn't have anything to do with me while I was eating my face off.

Soon nothing fit me anymore, and I had to go shopping, when I realized that size 13's didn't fit anymore, I moved on to the 14's. When the 14's didn't fit I was ready to sit down and cry, so I picked up the 15's they fit but were a little tight, I figured I'd lose the weight and they would fit and so would all of my other clothes. Only problem was that I just kept eating.

My life had had a few problems, I was molested when I was about 9, and they sexually assaulted when I was 18. One of my best friends commit suicide 3 months before we were supposed to graduate. We never found out why he did it. Instead of finding a way to get out of the pain, I just ate it away.

When I finally turned back to Ana to beg for her forgiveness.

"Why should I come back to you? You abandoned me for almost 3 years. Why should I forgive you? Look at yourself! You look like a beached whale!"

I brushed away my tears. "Please Ana I'm ready to commit to you now, before I wasn't. I need you now more then ever. I want to be perfect, please Ana."

Ana just stared at me for several long minutes, before she finally wrapped her arms around me. "You had better not leave me again. If you do I won't ever be coming back to you."

"Oh, Ana I could never leave you again." I said sobbing into her shoulder.

Ana was back, and this time I wasn't going to let her down.

13 Hours

So I'm not quite sure why, but I slept for 13 hours last night. Any way it helps with my eating. So right now I'm having an orange and some cottage cheese. Cause I was starving... which is the point I know... but I felt like I could have ate my shoe... I was that hungry. But I plan on working out hard core tonight after my sister goes to bed. I'm thinking 10K on my bike, and the Slim in 6, and possibly some other strength training. Wow that sounds like alot... but I'm going to have to do it because night is homemade pizza night. Not only that but I need to lose more weight this week, by Friday because I'm going to see Joseph that night, and I want to look good. I mean he likes me but I want him to feel like he just hit the jackpot. So later tonight I'll update you all on how my eating and working out went.

Thinspo

So after totally breaking my promise to myself I figured it was tiime foor some serious thinspo already. I have also decided I'm not aloud to go to bed until I have done my Slim in 6 workout... which my legs are already feeling.

The Leaving

I had made it through the tenth grade, lost 15lbs, and found a new friend in Ana. Of course Lee was always there at school for me, but Ana was like the love of my life! Then I found out that Lee was moving. I cried, and asked her why.
"Because Rae, I have to get away from my mom, so I'm going to live with my dad."
She moved to a small town about 12 hours away. That was when Ana really took over my life the first time.
"Rae, why do you look so sad?"
"You know why Ana, my best friend just moved, I have a right to be upset."
"As long as you don't binge." She said, laying down beside me on the bed.
I just ignored her and cried. I didn't want her to be part of my life anymore. She shouldn't be here if Lee isn't here, that was my thought.
Over the next two years, I pushed her out of my life, and let C take over. I gained a total of 40lbs, I hated the way I looked and worst of all didn't want to exist.
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From here on in all of my conversations with Ana, will be kind of what I think to myself, and kind of fiction. I'm not crazy!!... well I am but I don't actually talk to Ana. Oh and C is Ana's girl's fictional character, but I'm going to use her to, mostly because, she pops up so often.

So last night after my semi-binge, I rode my stationary bike for a whil did a little bit of strength training, then sat on my butt until 2am. Of coursse when I went to bed I tossed and turned, feeling unworthy and fat. I sat up and decided that since I couldn't sleep I might as well get up and do some real working out. I popped in my Slim in 6 dvd and re-started the program. I realized this morning that I need to recommit, and post all of my results.
Weight: 226.2 (-3.6 this week)
B: 45.5
W: 38.0
H: 46.0
RT: 27.25
LT: 27.5
RC: 17.0
LC: 17.0
Ankle: 8.75
RA: 15.75
LA: 15.75
Wrist: 6.25
Neck: 15.5
Body Fat: 40.5% (-0.4 overall)

Yes I know all of mmy numbers are horrid, but I also didn't lose any inches this week, which sucks. But on the plus side I did lose more weight than I thought I had. So this week I'm going to try to not binge as much, and do the Slim in 6 everyday, cause it's only 25minutes long, but it's really intense. So I figure I should be able to lose a bunch of weight this week and inches if I'm actually working out. Because this last week I didn't work out at all which kind of makes me feel bad for losing 3.6 pounds.... oh well... Going to be posting the 4th part ot my story later.
Stay strong!!!