Relization

I am finally starting to understand why I binge, and why I eat so much. I am unhappy and therefore feel the need to fill that void with food even though I know that food will only make me happy while I'm eating it. I also know that as soon as I finish eating I will be unhappy. Hopefully this insight will help me to start eating far less and exercising way more. Because I know that exercising releases endorphins, and endorphins make you happy. I was actually about to reach for the chips when I stopped, and thought about it. And decided to post instead... Good idea right? I thought so. So now at 11:30pm I am going to go clean a cupboard to take my mind off of eating. Because I am a thin beautiful girl, waiting to get out.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Oh dear

So I ate more then I should have last night and today. Wound up a bit sick... not going to go into details with that... it was gross, we'll go with that. So I forgot that I was going to be at my parents from today (Sunday) until Tuesday or Wednesday. So my weigh in isn't going to happen this week, but I will weigh myself as soon as I get home because I'm already starting to freak out. I went for a walk with my 14 year old sister today, it was over half a mile so that's good. Hopefully tomorrow I will be getting a couple of new bras, because the ones I currently own are getting to be too big around. Yay! So I guess I am making progress, just no where near as fast as I'd like. Oh and I thought maybe I'd throw in an installment of my story which has kind of been abandoned.

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I watched as Ana slid gracefully into her tiny jeans that she had just bought from the kids section. I looked down at my jeans, huge almost plus sized jeans. How did I let myself get this big. Ana turned to me seeing the tears shining in my eyes.

"Rae?"

"Yes?"

"What's the matter hun?"

"You are so skinny and pretty and I want to be just like you, only I have no control and no motivation to workout. I've failed you."

"Rae you haven't failed me. You just need time, you've been trying. You used to be a compulsive binge eater. Now you only binge sometimes, and eat closer to normal. You are taking steps in the right direction. One day I will be able to say I'm proud of you, but right now I' satisfied with your progress. You've been doing well. Just keep going in the right direction."

I looked at Ana, for once she was being completely supportive instead of knocking me down. She must have reached her new goal weight. She is so lucky. One day that will be me.

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I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

well....

So I've been doing pretty good this week... well this far anyway... weigh in is tomorrow so hopefully I will have taken off those 5 pounds I gained last week... I'm on track to have them off so as long as I don't binge tomorrow I'll be set. So far today I have had about half a coconut... which by the way took me an hour of hard labour just to open it lol. I'm kinda falling for this guy I went to high school with... which has made me slightly giddy... which you can probably tell... it just kind of happened last night... we were drunk and chatting... both in the affectionate stage of drunkness, so we kind of hung off of each other for a bit while he told me about winning 10,000 in the lotto, and his best friend was like what... apparently I was the first to know.... anyway... I'm leaving my house in about 4 hours to go out dancing so I will probably have a light supper (300-500 calories) just to rev me up so I don't pass out. Stay Strong my lovelies...

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Alice in Wonderland

So tonight I went to Alice in Wonderland for the second time, it is an amazing movie. This time I went with a friend of mine and the first thing she said when she saw Alice was "Oh my god! Is she anorexic?" I was like probably, I wish I was a thin and beautiful. So we were watching the movie and then Anne Hathaway comes on screen, and I almost cried at the sight of her beautiful collar bone. It is the epitome of perfection. She is so beautiful, and tragically thin. It makes me so jealous.

So I thought I'd let you in on my current goal. My band is travelling to Seattle on April 14, and I want to be a size 14 when we go. So that mean I have to lose at least 10 pounds in about 3 weeks. But I am motivated and had not too bad of a day for eating... minus the popcorn at the theater, which will give me the fiber I lacked the rest of the day. I'm going to start working out tomorrow and over the course of spring break (tomorrow until April 6) get over half way to my goal. I have a pair of amazing shorts I want to wear in Seattle. That I bought in a size 14..... because that was the only pair they had and they were only $4.00.

Any way I'm exhausted, so I'm headed to bed. The best of luck my pretties.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Help?

Hey guys so I have found some motivation finally. I am looking for a good workout plan that isn't too hard, and isn't going to take a lot of time each day. Is there anything you guys can recommend? I would really appreciate your help.

Rant-ish

"There is no limit to weight loss, it's just where you want to be." I want to lose the weight, but I think in my subconscious the weight makes me feel safe, it makes me feel less vulnerable I guess. But then there is the conscious part of me that looks at myself and wants to cry.

I mean really who wants to be fat and ugly? I have so many pretty clothes that don't fit because of how big I am. I want to have hip bones, and ribs, and collar bones. But if I can't stop eating that will never happen.

I can be walking down the street, and I forget that I'm fat, until I look at myself or my arms brush my fat rolls, and then I wonder how the hell I got this big.

I think right now my biggest motivation to help myself get thin, is going to be just grabbing (literally) a handful of my fat. I hate looking in the mirror and feeling disgusted, so starting tomorrow, ABC, because I need control if this is going to work, and I'm going to make this work because I want to be able to put anything I own on and feel okay, instead of disgust. I really want this, I need to be able to not hate myself for once. I want to be happy, about anything, and I want to start my getting rid of this fat that is weighing me down, that is killing me.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

Hungry

So a few things to report today, first of all I have been physically hungry all day, and with my lack of control have being eating almost non-stop. Although for the most part it has been fruit and veggies, and some sushi, as well as a couple of buns and a couple of granola bars. I feel so fat for eating so much, but I finish eating what I grabbed and have to go back for more because I am still hungry. So that kinda really sucks. I feel like such a failure even though I know it is doing my body good to be getting so many healthy nutrients. Oh well I will be starting a new program tomorrow. I'm going to do some reading and researching tonight to decide which program I want to do. Ok and second, I got my lip peirced yesterday. It didn't hurt too bad to get it done but now it is swollen, bruised, and a little infected even though I have been following all the cleaning instructions and stuff. Oh well it'll get better.

Stay strong my lovlies.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Discovery

So I made a few discoveries today. First of all I cannot wear cute boots if they come up my calves, because they don't fit.... ever. My calves are too fat, my first discovery. Second discovery of the day, 36's are too big, meaning my size 16's are rather loose. However, 34's are a little tight, and 15's? Yeah right.... however 14's almost fit.... doesn't really make sense. So I have almost no pants I can wear because they are either too tight or too loose, really frusterating. Discovery number three, my upper arms, look a lot smaller. Also I can see my neck looks smaller. I want to be thin so bad that I can taste it, but everytime I start doing good I screw up royally.

I want thin legs, stick like arms, a tiny waist. I want sharp hipbones, and a colar bone that juts out. I want to see ribs without raising my arms. I want small breast that my hands will actually fit around. I want to be able to sit on a guy without the fear of hurting him, or making his leg fall asleep. I want boys to be able to pick me up without any effort. I want to walk into a room full of people and have them all notice me, because I am thin and beautiful. I want to be able to look at myself and see perfection. But what I want more then anything, is to finally be satisfied with the way I look.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Piercing

So I had a shitty day eating and exercise wise, but my calculus is going better, and my forensics is coming together... so that's good... but I'm pretty sure I'm up like 3 or 4 pounds just from the way I've ate the past two days... tomorrow I'm going to keep it to the bare minimum... also starting tomorrow I'm going to be teaching piano to a couple of little girls, which really makes me happy. Also I have decided to get my lip pierced... and I kinda want to get my belly-button done but I think I should wait on thate because it is supposed to be a reward. I don't know.... I want to get it done but I mean I am so fat right now I would probably puke if I were to get it done. Guess that answers that question... no to the belly-button until I am at most 200lbs.... that could take a while at this rate... oh well... I need motivation... help?

:(

just great, wow, amazing.... NOT! SO my life has gone steadily downhill.... mostly just today though. SO the day started out kinda suckish.... but then I couldn't figure out my calculus, and that upset me... then I realized the mountain of forensics I have to finish. To top that off I'm playing the really easy parts in my schools band, and what's the point of being there if it isn't going to challenge me?... oh and to top that one off, the guy I like (who might be my perfect guy in the world) has decided I'm stalking him because I added him on facebook... I mean really? I have over 300 friends on fb, and talk to maybe 20 of them..... I'm just trying to get to know him... is that really so wrong?.... apparently it is....

Hmmmm.......

So I know that it seems like I've been MIA, but in reality I am on my blog everyday and just stare at it. I look at my comments and notice no new ones, then realize I don't really have anything good to say so why should there be any new comments? So the past few days have been "normal" I haven't put on any weight so that's good but I haven't lost any weight either which is bad, so for the day, 5 calorie jello.... and veggies to my hearts content.

I was talking to my one friend last night who went from being 160 to 115, and all she did was start eating a little healthier and walking a little more, but she actually has a metabolism, while I don't.... she still eats like a horse, and it makes me so angry, but at the same time I'm so happy for her. Her thighs are so skinny, and 24's are too big for her. I'm super jealous, but it has given me some motivation. More then I had anyway.

But right now I need to go watch family guy, and do my calculus lab. I'll post again once I have something good to actually post.

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

News.... of a Variety

ok so this is a good news, bad news, terrified news post. SO lets start with the worst news.... I have these like pimply sort of bumps on my breast... which I went to the doctor for a year ago, because they start out a bluish colour, and don't go away. But I noticed that they have started to appear down there, on my vag fat... really gross... so I'm freaking out about that... got me kinda scared. Moving on....

Bad News, Eddie and I had a horrible fight today, the look in his eyes scared the hell out of me, basically he told me he's not worth my time... kinda backwards... so basically he left me crying in the street and ran off... great....

Good news... finally.... I had my first hungar headache... I actually forgot to eat today... I had a couple of cheese biscuts for breakfast, a couple of 10cal jello, a banana, 2 fiber bars, and a muffin... not really a "normal" day.... I was wondering why I had this horible headache, so my sister asked me what I ate today and then she force fed me toast... which was ok... cause I'm still down a bit today... almost my lowest since starting again... so thats exciting...

Thought I should post again cause I have been slacking on that severly lately.

Stay Strong

I want to be perfect, I NEED to be perfect.

RANT!!... About Good News!!

so goodish news... lost 0.2lbs this week... I thought I had gained a tonne... but luckily I didn't so that's good... and I lost 0.5 inches... So that's good could be better will be next week... I plan on doing well this week so we will see how that goes... I'm working everyday towards a goal, and with that goal in mind I shall soon see the end and will likely want more, because my target weight is about mid range for my height. Oh and I'm starting to be able to see and feel my collar bone a lot more which is amazing. My friend Eddie has lost a lot of weight recently and has the most amazing collar bone, and you can feel all the bones in the back of his shoulders, it makes me so jealous, but also gives me something to strive for!! So some good news, which makes me feel really good, cause I haven't given you guys good news in a long time, because I've been binging so much lately, but I'm starting to get back on track.

Ooops

So I realized suddenly how long it's been since my last update.... So I guess the update really is that I haven't gained or lost weight... which is good but sucks so bad... if I stopped stuffing my face and binging for no reason I'd be doing so much better.

I guess the other news is I finally gave my virginity up to one of my friends. I'm not quite sure how it happened but it did, I don't regret it but it made my angry at myself, because I have this huge crush on some guy I don't know lol.... oh well I shall post again when I feel like I have something good to say.