To Be Fat Like Me

I have watched this movie before but watching it now, there were a few lines that really struck me.
"It's like when I'm fat I don't own my own body anymore. Everyone has a right to an opinion on it. What is that about?"
"I've been the fattest kid in my class since grade school. Eighth grade graduation they didn't have a gown that fit me. The only kiss I've ever had the boy was dared to. How are you supposed to feel like you are worth something, when you are told 15 different times a day you aren't."

I mean why does all of society dictate that we have to be thin to be beautiful? Why does it matter so much what we look like? Why is it that even if a girl looks like the wrong side of a monkeys butt she can still get a really good looking guy if she is thin?

I don't understand where all of this comes from. It's so wrong to think that you are worth nothing. But I mean it's true. How can you think you are worth something when you are told so many times that you aren't? I went for a walk tonight, and all I could think was why can't I be pretty? Why can't I be thin? Where on earth do these thoughts even come from?

I'm beginning to understand why I'm so unhappy. I hate myself which in turn makes me really depressed. It's weird girls usually think I'm really pretty, and this girl named Crystal (who I don't really know) asked Josh who he'd rather be with. I wasn't surprised when he said her, but she turned to me and was like "Oh my god. I wouldn't have asked him if I knew he was going to say me. I totally thought he was going to pick you." I put a smile on and told her it was okay. I fake a smile fifty times a day to make everyone else happy. But what about me? Who is making me happy?

I know that I'm ranting, but my point is, why does what we look like matter so much? Why can't it just be about who we are?

This does however motivate me to go workout. I want to b beautiful because it matters. I want to be thin because it matters. I will be a 12 by the end of July. I will be. Because I have a great pair of American Eagle pants, and I have never owned a pair before. Right I am off to clear a spot on the floor and do crunches and such until I pass out.

Do better then me, and you'll be doing well!
Stay Strong.
Be beautiful.

Fall to Pieces

So I guess I should say when I put poetry on here it is mine unless I say otherwise. I love writing poetry a lot of times it makes me feel a lot better, but other times it just confirms how I feel and makes me feel worse. I'm going to split this post into paragraphs. Each paragraph is something different I am talking about.

First of all I found out last night Josh is 9 or 10 years older then me. This fact doesn't bother me. What bothers me is this skinny pretty girl that was hitting on him all night last night. The fact that he was flirting back? Killer. I mean before she showed up he was hitting on me... I'd go to walk away from him and he'd smack my butt. She was also closer to his age, which is probably why it seemed to work better between them. Point is, I let my guard down got hurt again, I will learn eventually not to put my heart out there to get hurt. On the plus side I did a bunch of ab exercises when I got home as a result.

I am going through all of my clothes slowly, because I have to get rid of stuff before I move at the end of August. I want to get rid of everything I won't wear, and all my "fat" clothes. I know I'm still whale-like but these are the clothes that are way too big for me. Oh speaking of too big clothing... my 14's are starting to get loose. Yet my 13's are still way to small. Like so small I can't even do them up, can't even get them all the way up. Fat ass!

Um... I bought this really pretty dress a couple of weeks ago, its pink (which is a colour I just don't like) but I love it which is kind of weird. It's strapless, it's a medium, it definitely doesn't fit. Not even close. It will one day soon, okay maybe not soon because it's that much too small, but it will fit!

Oh, completely forgot, I'm taking Slim Quick Hoodia for the next 20 days (I started today), in hopes that it will help me lose a bunch of weight before the end of summer. Cause I would love to have to go pick out a new swim suit because mine is too big.

That's about all I have to update on, so here comes a letter.

Dear Mister Someone,

I'm writing you to tell you I hope you come one day soon. I could use your shoulder to cry on, your strong arms to hold me tight, your chest to sleep on, and your entire being to be mine. I need you to get here soon because I am slowly falling apart. I need someone to be around, I need someone to care. I need you Mister Someone, because you ar ethe someone I am waiting for. My patience it wearing thin, and the trouble is coming in fast. I want you around, so I can just be me, so that when the hunger comes you are there to chase that pain away. I want you to be around for everything, you will be my everything. Get here soon.

Love Rae

P.S. I can't wait forever, I need you now. Please don't take your time getting here.

So I have been re-evaluating my goals and the rewards that go with them. Now I have a lot more rewards and a few more goals. I haven't been gaining which is good. I am down to about 215, and I started at about 233. So I have lost 18 pounds so far. It's a good success but I have about 100 pounds to go before I hit my target weight. It's weird, I mean I know logically in order to be a person you must have a mass, but I want to be weightless. I want to feel beautiful, and to do that I want to be weightless, which is really impossible, but at the same time it's all I want. Okay so moving on from my tangent.

Last night I was out yet again, and our bar has a new bouncer (Josh he's been there for about 3 weeks now). Josh and I are getting to be good buddies. I was leaving last night and he gave me a hug and picked me up. I almost freaked out on him. My brain was like you are going to hurt yourself picking up someone so heavy. But he just smiled and I couldn't say it to him.

Moving on. I picked up a pair of pants from my thrift store on Thursday, they were labelled as a 14, which should fit. I washed them and everything and looked at them today, they aren't a 14 they are a 12 which explains why they don't fit. Oh well just another goal pair of pants.

In other news. I gave my older sister 3 pairs of pants that were too big for me. They are too small for her, it makes me feel good. I am also now weighing less then her. For long time I was between 10-15 pounds heavier then her. So to finally weigh less then her; it makes me happy.

Bad news. I ate a whole fricken pizza (it was a small thin crust) last night before going out, however I still lost weight! How on earth does that work??

I think I have decided to do longer updates that are more in depth. I like reading your guys long posts and then I realized how short mine always seem in comparison. So from now on I will be adding little things like poetry, or thinspo, or long rants, or maybe even parts of my past I think are relevant.

So I guess to make this longer I will add: A Quickie Poem?

The night is long
the sky is black
my eyes are filled with tears.
Thoughts of beauty
creep up on me
My thighs are far too fat.
Every night before I sleep
I pray to God
to wake up thin.
But every morning when I wake
my pudge it still over runs.
I fake a smile
recount the calories
hoping it will be alright.
But every day and every night
I don't feel thin enough.
But one day I shall wake
my thighs won't touch
my ribs will show
my hips will beautifully protrude
and I will have wings on my back
that people will call shoulder blades.
But on that day
when I cry
they will be tears of joy.

Train Track.

So I fell off the tracks since Sunday... but not to worry I will be better tomorrow. I will do better. I haven't gained too much, but I still feel horrible about gaining. I'm going out dancing tonight, it's my friends "Yay I made it through high school" party. Unfortunately, my sex drive is on over drive lol, so everytime I see anyone remotely good looking, I think about them in a sexual way. It's really horrible lol. Any way, thought I'd give you an update on my horrible fatness. Currently I feel really ill because of how full I am. Someone give me strength? I'm sick of failing... I'm sick of not being hungry.

These train tracks are going somewhere,
they're going to led there.
I wanna know where I'm going,
but it's a long way 'til I get there.
I'm on a journey
it'l take sometime to get there.
I plan on being beautiful,
I plan on becoming thin.
All the things I want
are at the end of these tracks
and I have to make it there.

So Done

I'm so sick of being treated like shit. I want nothing more then just die and leave no evidence behind. I want to be beautiful and thin when I die, so I can't stop yet. I am still so grossly fat it disgusts everyone, but me most of all. SO now I have to get serious... like really serious. I am getting close to another goal, and want to get there fast. So here is the plan. Swimming at least 3 times a week, weight training twice, and some other form of cardio 2 times for at least 30 minutes. And if I keep eating the way I have been (minus today, we had a family gathering for Father's day), I'll be set. Oh well I'm going to get it. I'm going to, because I have to to be beautiful.

Stress and Heartbreak

So... I am having a rather hard week. My sister has accused me of being anorexic yet again. I mean heavens must I always eat supper? Even if I am truly not hungry? I have exams and stuff due... and everything for school must be done by Monday... I am so stressed... and because of the stress my back is killing me. I have my rag (sorry TMI). I found out Mike's self esteem is so low he doesn't want to date at all for the fear of being hurt. Or maybe he just doesn't want to date a fat pig like me, not sure. I'm so upset about everything being out of control all I want to do is cut, except I hid my stuff when I moved in and don't know where I put it. On the plus side I am eating minimally. I don't even know what to do anymore.

I was going to binge... I had the water boiling... the noodles out... and just froze. I couldn't even binge. The one thing I could always do, and I couldn't do it. It was weird. I was pleased. It doesn't make me feel any less horrid.

Still a fat whore. Night all.

Losing it

So it's been a few days since I updated you. I've done pretty good this week, down another 1.8 pounds. I am finally losing steadily. Every week I weigh a little less and it makes me happy. Swimming is definately helping, I am losing inches and pounds and it makes me happy to know that this is working. I am also hardly eating, I am always hungry. And being hungry makes me happy too. I am just happy reacently. Not to mention the fact the I met this guy this weekend his name is Mike. WE've been talking almost non-stop since Friday night. He told me his favorite part of the weekend was meeting me (awe how cute is that?). Anyway, I want to go do some yoga before I lose the motivation, cause I haven't been swimming since Friday, our pool hours suck ass. Hope you guys are doing well.

Tummy Bummer

So this week has been going well as far as swimming is concerned... I have went 4 times already (week starting on Sunday), and will probably go once or twice more at least. Each time for between an hour and two and a half hours. I have already started to notice a difference in my arms and legs. But my stomach doesn't seem to want to disappear. Any ideas? I need to find an exercise that will get rid of it. I'll update you more later...I gotta go to swimming time number 4!

Stay strong!

Goodish News?

Well... we all have bad days, and we all have good days. Today was an okay day. I ate a third of a veggie burger, one potato, some veggies, a little bit of cheese, and some cotton candy. Not horrid. I also walked for a bit. So it was okay. Not good. Not bad. I went clothes shopping yesterday, and tried on a pair of pants in my 16 that I have bought for years, and had to get the sales associate to get me the 14's. I was so excited. Because I had bought a few pairs of 14's at my thrift store and had been wearing them for about a week, but to go into a store and buy 14's after trying on 16's and having them too big. I was so pleased with myself.

Sorry I have been rambling about something I am only pleased with. However this is no where near the end. I have a long way to go. I will pause to celebrate and then carry on.

To Be Perfect?

I want to sleep, but I know if I do the horrors will ensue. I want a sense of control, I want to belong. But how can I do that when no one seems to notice I'm here. I could scream in the middle of a crowded room and no one would hear me. The worst part is all I want is to be wanted and needed, and instead I get shoved to the side because there is always someone better, or more wanted. Not only that but I mean is it too much to ask that when I text you, you know who it is? After you gave me your number? And seriously when did everything become about looks? I spent years working on my personality and you don't want to pay attention to it? So now I have to devote the rest of my life, making my body the image of perfect because I hate the way I look all because I wasn't like the models or the actresses. And I would say screw you except I think they look perfect too, and completely despise the way I look, no matter how I look it just isn't right. No matter how hard I work it isn't hard enough. No matter how happy I seem I am being torn apart inside. And no matter how much I think you might give me a chance, deep down I know you don't want the fat girl I am. Why do we bother to live life if all it is, is pain? Why doesn't someone change the way we look at ourselves, so we can all see our self as beautiful no matter how we look? It would be so much easier if we were all blind, so we wouldn't have to worry about what we look like. I just want a sense of control in this crazy mixed up world.

Sorry guys this has been a rather tangential rant about... I don't even know what.

Talk About Weird

I have discovered that I am the weirdest binge eater. I had a huge binge last night, but I didn't eat chips, or chocolate, or fried foods, or fast food.... I ate a tonne of fresh veggies. Who binges on veggies? Well I do. I just thought I'd share my weirdness with you.

.... Riiiiiight

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I had gone 18 hours without any food, and I was just going to have a bit of soup... 180cals for the whole thing... except I wound up eat grilled cheese as well. The good news is I am going swimming again tonight so I'm going to push it really hard. Also I'm going to do a bunch of ab exercises once I get home from swimming, since I have noticed almost everything I own is either tight in that area, or would just look better if I tightened up that area. I mean as far as binges go it was under 500 cals... which is all I've had today. I will probably have some veg for supper. And maybe some fruit as a snack if I need it. I have almost reached the perfect 14! And am on the edge of 220! Things are starting to look better, it makes me happy. Well.... off to go get ready for working out!