Changes

So you will notice a lot of small changes occurring. But what will stay the same is well... me... and the name of my blog. Since the name is actually after my friend. These changes have occurred because I was put on a wanarexic list... and because I was reported for.... whatever Skinny reported me for. So these changes will kind of happen... In hopes that people will stop trashing my blog. Hopefully these changes will also help to offend less people.

Closing? Wannarexic? Sleep

So for the past two days I have seriously considered shutting this blog down. I'm tired of trying to defend myself against these girls who keep telling me I'm not anorexic. Now I have a girl telling me I probably don't have EDNOS.... well I'm not sure what I have then if I don't have that. I've been so upset these last few days I am actually making myself sick... not like vomit sick... but like headaches, fatigue, upset stomach. And I hate to say that I like it but I do, because it means that I'm not eating the 1200 calories in my plan. I'm eating like 600-700.

So for now I'm going to post like this blog is staying up, because right now I'm not sure if I want it to or not.

ANYWAY.... So since I can't even classify myself as having EDNOS, I will call my problems with food.... Bill... because I have never met a Bill I really liked. People seem to think that I woke up one morning and suddenly wanted this. I remember watching supersize vs. superskinny for months and thinking how I was the fat one but wanted desperately to be the thin underweight one. I remember starting to read nutrition labels, and cut back things that I thought were bad for me. I also remember starting to walk more. But none of this even matters because I am a wannarexic. Or so I'm told.

Oh so on the plus side I cleaned most of my room last night, and walked for about and hour and a half today. After staying up until 2 last night to finish a forensic assignment. I plan on doing more tomorrow. And eating less, because eating this much is making me feel sick and bloated as well... which doesn't help. Also my tooth aches have been pretty much gone since Saturday which is really nice. It kinda tried to act up tonight, but it didn't so I was relieved. Anyway this wannarexic is really tired and is going to stretch and go to bed.

Night all.

.... Program, Idiots and More

So I have decided to ignore a couple of comments I got. They basically told me that I am not an anorexic (I know I have EDNOS), and that my blog is killing people. I have put up disclaimers stating what this blog is about, and it has a warning label before you even enter. I made this as safe as a blog about an eating disorder can be.

Even though you said you weren't attacking me you were. And I know that I am fat and obese but here's a fact for you 2/3 of all anorexics start out at a healthy weight or larger (up to being obese!). I am one of those 2/3's. But because I'm fat and tend to eat more then I would ever want, I'm not "sick". If you don't like my blog don't read it! I don't need people putting me down and telling me that I am not ill, that I do not suffer from an eating disorder.

To those of you who love and support me; thank you. I wouldn't have been able to do what I have with out you.

Now for my good news/decisions.

1. I need a new program.
2. I need to reach my first goal by May 1.
3. I need to learn more self control (for those comfort foods everyone has)
4. Don't take bad comments personally.
5. Keep my room clean so I can work out.



Ok so the rules!!!!
1. No more then 1200 cals a day (because that is the low end of "healthy")... less is fine.
2. Walk 40 minutes everyday.
3. Do 1.5 hours of intense exercise every week.
4. Do yoga 2-3 times a week.
5. Resistance training 3 times a week.
6. Eat lots of fruit and veg.
7. Sleep at least 7 hours a night.
8. Cut out chips, chocolate bars (including chocolate granola bars), fried foods.
9. No high calorie drinks.
10. Drink 2 (or more) cups of tea a day.
11. Brush teeth after every meal and snack.
12. Read all labels! Don't eat food with more then 20% total fat.
13. Splurge once a week (1500 cals).
14. Take my diet pills, or drink dieters tea.
15. Move more!


God I hate the idea of eating 1200 cals a day... but if this works I might be able to sitck to it... and that is a step in the right direction. Right now that is all I need control and a step in the right direction. Also I kind of want to post tips and tricks... Is that a good idea? Not trick like hiding food and stuff, but just things you can do everyday to burn a few more calories or consume a few less. And exercise tips or something like that. I don't know it was just a thought.

So that is my new plan... horrifying calorie intake and all. But this is a lot of exercise for me to even consider. I think I will make Sunday my "recovery" day, where I only do walking, and maybe light yoga or something like that. I plan on doing this program until I either get bored or it stops working. What ever happens first. hopefully this is something I can stick to. And I realise I have been rather repetative in this post. Sorry.

Muchness

So you know that line in Alice in Wonderland? When the Hatter tells Alice that she has lost her muchness? Well I want to be Alice. I want to lose my muchness, and be beautiful and weightless. I want to be the envy of everyone in Wonderland.

I need to find a plan I can stick to. Thus far I have strayed off of everything. I skip breakfast most of the time. But instead wind up eating 3 or 4, 100 calorie granola bars. It doesn't seem to matter what I do I fail. So I think I am just going to try and stay under 1200 calories, because that is supposed to be healthy. Do yoga 2 or 3 times a week. Walk everyday. And try to get an additional 3 hours of exercise a week. I don't even want to lose weight fast. I just want to be less then the day before.

Oh and I am pretty sure my wisdom teeth are trying to come in, because my whole mouth hurts to the point where I actually cry from the pain. But my family doesn't really have the money to do anything about it, so I guess I will just suffer through it. I mean it has already been going on for almost a week. I will live with the pain until it either goes away or... something...

Oh well... I kind of had a bingy day. But still didn't do as bad as I could have. I will try and do better so I can be more inspiring.

Quickie

Hey guys. So I have had a good past couple of days. I am back down to what I was before the trip so that's good. Um... I don't really have anything to post I just wanted to quicky update you all on how my weight has been.

BAAAAAAACK!!!!!!

So I am finally back from Seattle. It was fun... but I can almost guarantee that I gained weight. I'm hoping not but... I probably did. So I was in a room with three other bigger girls the smallest being a size 8, who thinks she is crazy fat. Rhi and I get along great. We both think we are fat, and hate eating. So it works out great. And to the one who tells me I am a wannarexic. Go away you are not welcome here. And if I offend you don't read it. I am not meaning to offend anyone. I am just here telling my thoughts and hopes and dreams. And I do not need your help telling me I am not good enough I do enough of that myself.

EDIT

Sorry ~Nessa~ I am editing this after you already commented on it. I gained 5 fucking pounds while not being careful. I am back up to 228.0... f my life. So tomorrow no more then 500 cals, my hoodia that I bought instead of my regular vitamins... because I still had a tonne of vitamins. Hopefully I will be able to reach my first goal by the end of the month I'm sick of being in the 220's.

I told another lie today

I feel like I have failed you all because I've been eating... but I also don't want my family to worry. I know that I haven't been doing too bad, but I also know that I could be doing better. I want to learn to hide food, to fabricate evidence, I want to be able to say no to my favorites. I've been watching Hannah's Story on youtube... it's a portion of Hollyoaks a British soap opera(?)... it is so motivating... I mean really... if she can do it so can I.


So I started posting this last night, only to be interrupted by none other then Jay. Yeah I thought I was done with that... but apparently not. He showed up need a place to stay so I let him stay the night, and hopefully he won't be back, because I really don't need that. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he loved me, but I mean really? I hadn't seen him for two months and he expects me to just forgive him like that? I don't think so.

Anyway... I leave for Seattle in less then two days, and I am sooooo fat. Like I mean I weighed myself last time and saw the dreaded 225..... it was horrible. Hopefully today will have pushed that down.

But alas I have packing to do so... I must be off.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Update

Hey guys it's been a few days... I've been doing pretty good lately.. eating about 600 calories a day. I am back down to 223.6... I want to be under 220 for Wednesday. So hopefully that will happen. The fast went well. In fact I dropped almost 3 pounds. But I have a final in the morning so I am going to bed. I will update you more tomorrow!! I promise!!

Stuff.....

Hey guys, so I've found the most amazing sandwich in the world for only 190cals.... so it's two slices of body wise bread(100 cals), two slices of meatless bologna(40 cals), one lite cheese slice(50 cals), and as much mustard as you want. So yeah I have discovered I like to eat that with about 10 cherry tomatoes. I feel like I'm not doing very good, but I mean I live with my sister and she has noticed changes in my body that I haven't noticed. I mean I have lost about 10 pounds... but I still have so far to go that I get so discouraged. Yesterday my sister actually told me that she wanted my help to lose weight. She weighs less then me but is about two sizes bigger. She was like how did you do it? And of course I can't tell her that I've been starving myself, so I told her, I've been working out more and eating less. I mean it is the truth.... just not the whole truth. I want more then anything to be perfect... but it's going to take so long... I don't want to have to keep putting in a tonne of effort and hardly see any results... I didn't even do my weigh in last night because of how bad I felt.

Hopefully with the fast, and some extra exercise, I will be able to hit my first goal... I don't ever want to be above 225 again... I figure if I slowly lower what I never want to be above again, I might stand a fighting chance. I'm going to look up some good weight loss tips later today... It might not be until tonight. But if I find anything I want to share I will post again later, maybe with some thinspo to go with it.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

FAST!!!

So got some news... I'm going to be doing a 40 hour fast... going to start Monday night at 7pm until 11am Wednesday... I hope that's right lol... and then after that I will be starting my hoodia regime... which kinda makes me excited... I mean it's supposed to work wonders so hopefully it will help me. So hopefully a few of you will be doing the fast... hopefully this is enough notice... I'd start now... but I have so much homework I'm going to need the 150cal sandwich. Oh the bad news however is that my sister kind of thinks I have an eating disorder... which I kind of do... but I really haven't lost enough weight fast enough to have anyone worried thank god. But I have to go do forensic's... and calculus... I hate life... I'm so fat... oh well fast tomorrow night...

Gah

I'm so sorry guys!... I have to start with that because the strength I had at the beginning of the day diminished as soon as my sister left. I ate too much, but didn't binge. Had McDonald's at 3am. Though it was a grilled cheese and medium fries. I felt so bad after I didn't eat again until 6:30pm the next day. I slept for 12 hours. And am about to get ready to go out dancing. I need to look pretty tonight cause I have this thing for one of the bouncers at the only bar I go to. I hope you guys are doing better then I am.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Clash of the Titans

Alrighty so just a quick post. I went and saw Clash of the Titans last night, and oh my god for thinspo. The girl that plays Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), is so thin you can see the bones in her chest! Every time I saw her it literally took my breath away. It gave me inspiration to not eat. So today I have been up for an hour already, I have started my laundry, did all my hand washables, and stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. Remember chewing gum burns 11 calories an hour! So I have to go through my closet within the next hour, and then I will be scrubbing walls. No food for me for I am strong! However I will update this if that changes. 100 crunches, 50 squats, 20 push ups, 20 tricep kick backs, and 20 v's (I don't know what to call it you lay on your back and raise your legs straight up and let them fall so they lok like a v and then squeeze your legs back together). So that is the plan for the day. 1 follower to go! Hopefully I get one more before my Seattle trip. While I'm there (April 14-19) I will keep a journal and make all the posts when I get back because I wont have internet while I'm there.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

A Plan

So I have decided once I have 40 followers (2 to go) that I will complete a 40 hour fast, with 40 extra minutes of exercise a day. Now this may be subject to be altered slightly, but that is the plan. It may also not happen like the day after I have 40 followers but I will do it and I will let you know in case you want to participate as well. Good plan? I think so. Also I am going to be doing at least 100 crunches a day, along with 50 squats, and a bunch of inner thigh exercises, and I will be doing yoga at least three times a week. I need to start getting serious and this is the first step. And if I binge one hour of exercise, along with everything else I do. I also want to do 4 hours of walking a week to start, so just over 30 minutes a day. I also need suggestions for my arms.... because they are massive.... so that is my plan as of now... later tonight I will either post again or edit this one with my current weight... because I haven't been home since sunday and it is now thursday... long time to be away from home, especially when you are with your family.




EDIT

Weighed in.... not nearly as tragic as I thought 224.4lbs ..... so about where I was last week... even with all the horrible food I put in my body... so that's good.... Hopefully this week will go well.