Stupid Short Update...

Not doing so good....
Still in love with him....
He still doesn't care.....
I'm still not worthy of him anyway.....

ABC!!!

So I figure it is time to post again even though I don't want to. I hate updating when I don't have anything good to say. And I really don't have anything good to say. But I figured you guys deserved an update. I have been binging like crazy and deserve the weight I have gained. However it is not going to continue! I hate the way I look! I hate the way I feel! And I most certainly hate that I am not good enough!

All I want in life is to be thin and happy. I can't be one without the other. It just doesn't work that way for us. And I hate that I always feel like no matter what I do I won't be good enough until I've lost 5 more pounds, 10, 20, 40, 80...... It's never enough but I'd be happy with 5 at a time.

In reality I know it will never be enough but at the same time I don't really care. I just want to be thin and frail. Beautiful.

This post has jumped around so much and yet I haven't really said anything of any value. So here is something of value. I plan on starting ABC on Wednesday. Now you might be asking why Wednesday and not tomorrow? Well my Mom is coming in tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint her so I figure another day of eating won't hurt considering what I have already done. Plus I have been really doing some serious cleaning in my room so soon I will have enough space to workout everyday.

One day I might be thin enough
for you to sweep me off my feet
but until that day
I will try harder then ever
to become your equal
to become someone worthy of you.
I want to be that girl
the one that takes your breath away
but only yours
cause I only have eyes for you.

Thinking Thinky Thoughts

Ok so I tried to update yesterday morning... but it didn't work... So here's how things are so far... I broke my fast mid way through the second day, which sucks but I'm still proud that I even made it that far. I have never really been good at fasting. However I am down to 197.0 again so that's good.

I have a concert tonight and it's the last time I will see Peter until after the new year. But I have found my motivation. It comes in the form of a picture. Peter packing his ex-girlfriend through the snow. And I mean he's tiny but her? She was so fricken skinny it hurt me. So everytime I look at that picture I loose my appetite, because I know that he would never be able to pack me like that. So it motivates me to walk a little faster, eat a little less, and most of all... actually exercise.

So here I am giving you guys an update while I wait for the hot water to replentish itself. Well I was going to update you guys after showering.... but if I did that it would be like maybe 5 words long.

So now I'm going to end this one with a question. What are your favorite cardio and strength training exercises?

PS: I'm not answering until my next post just to add some suspense.

Blarg!

I did so good yesterday... and you know what my reward was? another weight gain!! Back up to 197.8 FML.

Anyway now I am super stoaked about this fast. Cause I need to get the weight off. Who knows if things go well we might even wind up extending the fast longer, which would be sweet.

Now just so you all know I really am not that positive. I just know that if I don't say it will happen it definately won't happen. So I just pretend like it will be alright and sometimes it turns out fine.

But alas I am off to work again.... Cause even though I quit my second job I am working 45 hours this week and 47 hours next week..... CRAZY!!!!!

Anyway I hope everyone particiapating in the fast does well with it, and everyone not participating does equally as well.

Cookie Monster

Damn those cookies yesterday. I'm not sure how they found there way into my mouth but they just tasted so good.... and I was hungry :(

Though on the plus side I'm still at 197.2 so not a huge gain. And I am planning on doing a liquid fast for the duration of Tuesday and Wednesday. Anyone who wants to fast with me just let me know. We'll do it together.

I however am going to have to appologize for how short this is... but I have to get to work. And I'm not taking any money with me... cause then I can't buy food. So I can only eat what I take.

The Bus

So I would like the record to clearly state that I have been updating so much simply because I have people following and commenting. 'Cause let's face it no one feels like updating when they think no one is listening.

Anyway I totally forgot to give you my bus ride update last night. And I don't know how I forgot cause it had me downright pissed off. So here I am standing at my bus stop waiting, and this morbidly obese woman stands right beside me. Now I was packing a rice cooker at the time (it's part of my sisters Christmas present), and she starts going off about how she needs to get herself a new rice cooker. Then she sat right across from me on the bus and starts talking about the kinds of rice there are, and how when she went to a nutritionist a couple years ago the nutritionist told her to eat such and such a kind. And how after going to the nutritionist and watching too much Dr. Oz she became a real crazy health freak. And I just kept nodding and smiling cause I didn't want to hurt the poor womans feelings by telling her that she doesn't look like she has ever eaten a health food in her life. I mean seriously? How can you be so oblivious to your own size?

On that note this morning I was 196.8 yay me!

Blah blah blah

I feel like the biggest failure. I had a decent day and then I got home about an hour ago. I was going to have a small bit of rice to satisfy the hunger monster.... but I wound up having a bit more, and a bit more. I mean it was still probably only a cup and a half but still. It upsets me that I don't have the control I want. But it makes me happy to know that I didn't just binge completely when I easily could have... and I did think about just eating and eating and eating.

Anyway I was unable to weigh myself this morning because I had to leave super early to get shit done. So I'm all anxious cause I don't know what I weigh. I don't usually get anxious about it.

Update from last night though. I did some pain management today. I went and got my wrist pierced, and a second lip one done. However the wrist one may have to be taken out and redone, cause it might not heal properly, which sucks.

So here is my question(s?) for everyone in the cyber world. What do you find motivates you to exercise and stick to your food plan? And second, how do you go about fixing your broken hearts?


PS: I know this is super short so therefore I must add some volume to it by writing depressive poetry.

I scrolled through your pictures
the ones I just found.
You look so sad these days
I always wondered why.
You seemed happy in those pictures
holding her tight.
Did she leave you, gone
left you to cry?
You looked so healthy
now you look tiny.
I have this burning want
to just make you smile.
I want to be small enough
to fit into your miniscule
bright pink sweater.
I want to fit perfectly
wrapped in your arms.
Yet I have so far to go
just to get to that place,
it seems like miles away.
Yet maybe both our sorrows
would be erased if I could get there.
I just need to take an extra step
everyday to get there sooner.
We will be one
one tiny couple.

Tears

It's horrible wanting to die, but not killing yourself simply for the fact that you don't want people to remember you as fat.

I have slipped back into a rather depressed state, and have been sitting here just crying. Mostly about how I'm not good enough enough, how I deserve nothing, how I hate myself. Just dumb shit.

I'm at about 600 calories for the day and I feel like shit for that, but logically I know its less then half what I really need. And it was all healthy. So that's good.
I was 197.4 this morning.... which is also good.

But I need to go cry some more and just get it out. Hopefully the next post is happier.

Peter

So I met Peter a while ago, about the first week of September, and it never really hit me how thin he really was. I mean he is a truly beautiful being, and if I wasn't so sure he was gay, and so repulsed by myself I would likely jump him. Anyway moving on. I only see or talk to him once a week cause we both attend the same music group, but lately it's like he's lost weight. He pants are really loose and baggy, even with his belt on. His sweaters hang off his fragile frame. And when I hug him I can feel all his bones. Now there is that part of me that wants to shove food in his mouth and make him swallow so that he isn't so tiny. But then there is the bigger part of me that says, "but you know that his size is part of why you think he is so attractive." And I know that if I could have it my way I would be the same size as him. And I will be. But right now it kind of scares me to see what I want to become. Does that ever happen to any of you? Now Peter and I don't talk a lot, we have our small talk, our Thursday night hugs, and sometimes a few texts throughout the week. But part of me wants to be with him all the time, because I feel ashamed to eat when I think about him. I feel like I am failing because of how tiny he is, and how obvously not tiny I am. I just want to be his equal.

Anyway on another note. I have lost a little bit more. This morning I was 198.6 yay me! So I have decided that I am going to make it my goal to lose 2-4 pounds a week until my birthday (January 8) and from then we will see what happens. But with this new found confidence, and Peter, I think I should be okay. Plus all of John Kristopher's fantastic energy helps a tonne too. Anyway I still want to work out a bit before bed.

Intake for the day:
PB&J Sandwich: 175
Pickle: 0
Cheese: 75
2 Oranges: 75

Total: 225 (What? Really? Hmmmm... I'm okay with that)

Success?

So I know that it has been almost a month, however I finally have some good news. I have finally broken the 200 pound barrier. This morning even after eating I was 199.0. I can't even remember the last time I weighed under 200 pounds. which means 1 more pound and I will have lost a total of 35 pounds. Though it really doesn't feel like I've lost anything. I am still fatter then a whale. On another good note though I am having a treadmill delivered today (finally!), which means I can walk, jog, run, whatever even when its -40 outside. I also have a new found need, desire (sorry I really couldn't think of the right word) to just get rid of the weight. To become pure and thin and beautiful.

On another note I would like to welcome me first (known) male follower. John Kristopher. His blog is http://hausofbones.blogspot.com/ he is a truly remarkalbe young man and I am happy as a duck in water, to have him here.

Moving onward. I have quit one of my two jobs. Mostly because I'm working full time at my other one and partly because they treated me like crap there. Also I bought a pair of jeans the other day didn't try them on or anything size 14 on with no effort. Love it.

I can't wait for the day that someone walks up to me and says wow you are so skinny. I'm working on it harder then ever.

Ana's Wisdom:
Don't just set out to do 10 sit ups. Set out to do as many as you physically can. And then do 10 more after that.

Eat just enough that you don't pass out. If you pass out you can't work out. And if you pass out people start to worry, and if they worry they will ship you off to be fixed.

Edit:
My treadmill has arrived, it isn't as advanced as I had originally thought but it is going to make me work. I'm super excited but it needs to warm up so I don't completely trash it right after having got it. But I plan on going on it after I get home from Harry Potter. In preperation for HP I have only eaten a PB&J sandwich today, on low cal bread, so a total of about 200 cals. Not too bad for a fat chick.