Five Months, Two Weeks, One Day

So it has literally been forever. Over 5 months? Almost half a year. There is so much to update everyone on. And so many blogs to read. I don't even know where to begin.

So shortly after my last post I found the love of my life. I have been with him since June 12, we live together in a two-level three bedroom town house together. Just us and our two kittys. And life is good. Except for one thing. I am still a fat ass. The scale this morning said 204. Once KW (that's what we'll go with in case anyone finds this) and I got together I felt better about who I was and pretty much instantly gained 10 pounds. But the weight has been daunting me since forever. He knows all about my eating problems, and wants me to be better. I haven't lost any real weight but I haven't gained any either. And now I am extatic. I am taking a tonne of vitamines, and two different diet pills, all with my boyfriends permission. He really only wants me to be happy but I do also know that he wants me to be healthy. Which is something I don't think I could ever fully be. I have purged while with him, but lied and told him my stomach was just really upset. I have listened to Ana music, read some blogs, watched some videos, read some books. I get upset with myself everyday because I do count the calories I eat, but know KW will be upset if he finds out how little I have eaten, because I can't lie to him. So now with taking the diet pills everyday, and eating super healthy, and working out more than I say I am I will start losing weight fast.

Now other than the internal battle, I was promoted to store manager at my job a month and a half ago. I get to run the show. Boss around 6 boys. It's great. I also have picked up a second job for Christmas season. So often I am too busy to eat, which is also great.

I have completely forgotten what else I was going to talk about so for now I shall leave with that, and hopefully it won't be 5 months before I'm back again.


Five hundred calories a day is working. Truth = 094.00.
Another goal weight. W00t.
I should be diamond sparkly champagne shooting to the stars, but the loud speaker between my ears crackls on, full volume, with another goal, 085.00, 085.00, 085.00.
085.00 is dangerland. 085.00 is Fourth of July fireworks in a small metal box.

Holy Over a Month

I am currently watching Alice in Wonderland (the new version with Johnny Depp, and Anne Hathaway), when I suddenly realized that a) I hate trying to be normal when all I want is to be thin.... and b) dear God its been a long time since I have updated my blog and have ever so much to tell you guys.

So first and foremost I am back up to about 203 after being force fed and watched, and now I am what is considered "normal" in my family but what is actually clinically obese, not just an idea in my head. I am actually obese.

Second I am moving out of my sisters place within the next couple months and in with a couple friends, possibly three. All girls. So we can have our own little world. Now none of them have an ED but it doesn't much matter to me. We won't see each other much anyway, because of us all working different shifts.

Okay third, the love of my life walked back into my life only to jump right back out. On here he is going to be known as Edward because he reminds me a little of Edward off of Twilight. We met about 6 years ago and really hit it off, but we kind of lost touch, and I'm sure we are meant to be but he just wants to be friends. I am going to love him forever but I know I can be satisfied with someone else.

Fourth I am not going to college in the fall. I have decided I want to just live life for a while. And figure out what I really want to do with it before I spend a fortune on an education.

Fifth I need to get back to Onderland myself. I hate climbing on the scale and seeing it say fatass. So I need to come up with some kind of plan of action! So I am going to do a couple of hours of research and then I will update this post as to what my plan is.

Randomness

So about a week ago I went to my friends work and picked up a bunch of supplements. Just the standard multivitamin, hemp oil (for all my omega's), a protein supplement, and an antioxidant supplement. All in an attempt to make everyone think that I am trying to be healthier. Now for a couple days I was, but I just can't do it. On some level I think that I want to be sick, that maybe people will actually care about me if I'm sick. But the rational part of me screams out to be normal.

Looking back I strongly believe my disordered eating started about 7 years ago, when I became a vegetarian. I cut out meats because 1) It was eating those cute animals, and 2) it decreases your risk of heart disease by 35%. That was the first conscious thing I did for my health. Before I just wanted to be healthy. But when kids keep picking on you because of your weight, something changes. And it isn't about being healthy anymore. It's about becoming thin. It's about becoming what society expects. It's about becoming better than everyone.

I'm considering doing ABC.... but I haven't decided if I want to do that, or just go with restricting. What do you guys think?

Life and Death

Well I am fucked. I had a friend who told me I could tell her anything and she would rather die than betray me. Well guess what she told my sister everything. So now what? I'm so stressed right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. To put that on top? What the hell is the point in even living if I don't have anyone that I trust? I don't know what to do.

Whining

The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.

On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.



And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.


::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::

They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.

Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.

New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.

Razor Blade Feelings

So I realize I haven't been posting much or reading anyones blogs and I feel bad about that but I just don't have the time. I just don't even know what to say, I've been hurting so much lately. I've started cutting again, which scares me because I hadn't done it for years and now here I am back to square one. I just feel so useless, and helpless, and not good enough. I feel like I don't even deserve to live. Yet here I am. In a haze one night I carved "Not Perfect" into my left thigh, from just below my hip to just above me knee. It scares me but it comforts me.

I'm hoping to get myself a bit more together soon....

March 9/09

So March isn't a good month for me. On the 9th of March 2009, my graduating year of high school, one of my friends couldn't handle everything that was going on anymore and took a gun to his head. Now that it is getting close to that day, my life starts falling apart. It's the time of year when I go back to cutting, when air is enough, and when I just want to smoke like nobody's business.

But I have to be strong, make sure that no one know's I'm hurting.... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do right now that doesn't hurt.

188

So I realize that it has been over a month since my last post, but I have finally started to get things together. Well food wise anyway.

There are so many things I need to tell you guys and gals. Firstly that it took me like 20 minutes for blogger to accept that the password I was giving was indeed the correct password. What a gong show that was.

So next on my epic list of things to tell to tell you guys is that I have been pretty sick as of recently. I had a case of acute tonsillitis. And I only say had because I am finally able to drink water without nearly bursting into tears. Which is awesome because all I've wanted to do the last like 3 days is just chug water which I couldn't do. So that is a success.

Now before my battle with tonsillitis I started to just not feel hungry, which of course didn't bother me because it meant I didn't have any reason to eat at all. And then with having tonsillitis I couldn't eat, I just starting nibbling yesterday. So as a result of this lack of eating I have watched my weight plummet to 188, before I was still sitting at 199-201 so I mean that is huge. I just have to be able to keep it off. And with my lack of appetite I don't see that being a problem. However I have been known to fail before so I'm not holding my breath.

Now I know this is going to sound completely mental and wrong but I have fallen in love with the documentary Thin by Lauren Greenfield. These girls make me want to cry because I'm such a fat cow. I also keep re-reading Winter Girls. I just feel like I will never be good enough, never be thin enough, never be pretty enough.

There are so many things that I want most of which I can hardly even think about because there are just so many floating around in my head.

But I have another day of hard rest ahead of me so I'm going to leave you all with that. I might even consider working out today since I am starting to feel better, and I mean I can have a nap later if I need to.

Oh man! Every time I tried to write the word then, I kept typing thin, think its a sign?




The following is an excerpt from Laurie Halse Anderson's Wintergirls. I hope you find the following passage as enlightening as I do.

I pee out the extra water inside me and strip. I stand five feet, five inches tall, a little shorter than freshman year. That's when my periods stopped, too. I pretend to be a fat, healthy teenager. They pretend to be my parents. Everything is just fine.

I close my eyes.

As I step on the scale, Jennifer warns Emma about ice cream.

As I step on the scale, Emma fears vanilla.

As I step on the scale, Dad swings his racket and scores.

As I step on the scale, Mom slices open a stranger.

As I step on the scale, shadows edge closer.

As I step on the scale, Cassie dreams.

I open my eyes. 099.00 pounds. I am officially standing on Goal Number One.
Ha.

Samich

SO I thought I should update you whilst I sit here and eat. And before you even think it, it' a full plate for only 200 cals (probably a little less but I'm rounding up to be safe), an orange and a lettuce and cheese salad, only one slice of cheese and mustard for flavour. I've been doing better these past couple days, I have actually lost 4 of the 10 I had gained, and tomorrow my numbers will be lower again. I can and will do this, because tasting thin is going to be the most amazing thing in the world. Once you taste thin you can't go back to what you were, which is fine by me cause I can't even think about being back to the beginning. I will be thinner tomorrow then I was today.

In fact I have actually been able to see myself thin recently, and I like the idea of it more then ever, which is probably why I'm doing better.

Stay beautiful, always think thin.

Battle

Ok so my 20th birthday was last Saturday. And it really upsets me that I am still this big and now 20. At least when I was 19 I had a chance of becoming amazingly thin... now that I am out of my teens it feels like a losing battle or a gaining battle in this case...

.... Stupid Food

Dear god, I am fat.

I have been binging almost none stop the past couple weeks. And gained quite a bit of the weight I had gotten off back. My fat spills over the new jeans I bought cause all my other ones were too big. Well now they fit again! Great there goes that hard work.... which means I am going to have to work hard again just to get back to that point...

New Years

So I have already started crossing off the days of this year in a countdown to my goal weight. The only resolution I made this year was to do better then the previous ones. Which really means so many things to me.

First it means losing more weight faster.

Second it means finding love. Which may be closer then I thought, cause I met this guy. His name is Mike and he is wonderful. The only thing stopping us from dating is a bad relationship he got out of.

Third it means getting a 4.0 in college.

Fourth it means becoming the assistant manager at my job.

Fifth it means getting to a size 0 (if possible cause I know some bone structures won't allow it. And yes I know this is basically the same as losing weight).

So with all that said I guess I should tell you that I gained almost 7 pounds in 3 days at Christmas and am still struggling to get it off again. But I have a new plan which is pretty simple and so if I screw it up there is no hope for me.

Oh just thought of a sixth.

Sixth it means to be able to not cringe when a guy wraps his arms around me.

Anyway I start college on Thursday, which kinda sucks cause it means a few 15 hour days, which means it'll be hard to eat if I don't take money.

Anyway I have to go to sleep... I just thought I'd give you guys some kind of update... even though it isn't a good one.