The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.
On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.
And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.
::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::
They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.
Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.
New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.
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i love that book. too much. i check it from the library every few months. boo for purging. i know you can't see it but he should probably be working to deserve you. you're a fantastic creature. stay strong, darling.
ReplyDeletexoxo
zette
You're amazing, and I'm pretty sure you're more than deserving of this boy. Stay strong, sweetie <3
ReplyDeleteI nominated you for the versatile blogger award! Your blog is amazing, I love it. It's so inspirational <3
ReplyDeleteDon't worry sweetie. You are a wonderful person and you deserve a wonderful person. You will be so stunningly thin and beautiful after these four months are over that he won't be able to resist you. Go for it: i know you're strong enough!
ReplyDeletePlease stop cutting. I am on the verge of doing it again, and I fight every urge to do it, but it's so hard. I've read your blog previously, and it hurts me that you're not doing so great. And about that boy, of course you deserve him.
ReplyDeleteI really wish you the best
All I can say is wow. Ana is the most awful thing I have ever had to come to terms with. I know that there are people out there just like me who understand finally! I am in recovery and feel great...better than I have in a year or two. Was: 89Lbs. Now: 113.5 and feel so much more beautiful.
ReplyDeleteAnyways, I'm new to the whole blogging thing so bare with me. I just wanted to tell you that it is very possible to be happy again. I know I may sound like every other cheesy adult in your life but just hear me out, I know for a fact that it gets better. You are beautiful
Xoxo
Katt<3