Hello World

So it has been nearly two weeks since my last post, and it hasn't been because I didn't have any good news. And it hasn't been because I didn't want to. It was simply because my computer was dead. I now have a new cord for it, and hopefully everything will be fine. So now I'm going to go through the last two weeks with you guys. I have been working constantly, which means I have little time for eating, which makes me happy. But even better then that, I have had nearly no appetite. However I have also not been working out, which makes me depressed. However I have lost some weight, and need to be happy about that and stay hungry for more.

So I am moving at the end of August (as long as everything goes according to plan), and I want to be under 200 by the time I move, which shouldn't be hard considering when I weighed in this morning I was 209.4!!!!!! Tell me that isn't progress. When I started this journey I was 233.6. Which gives me a total weight loss so far of 24.2 pounds. I think that is amazing, it is a start but the finish line is a long way away.

Now I just have to start working out on a regular basis and I should be okay. This month I succeeded in not gaining weight (first month I have ever done that), as well as getting one step closer to control.

However I feel bad because what I have been eating is crap... so to be losing weight and eating crap makes me feel like a fraud. But at the same time I know that the thoughts I have? They make this real. They makes this very real.
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I walked down the street a smile on my face. My stomach wasn't as fat, my face didn't look as blown up, I was proud of myself.

"Don't look so happy." The voice I had dreaded hearing.

"But I've done so well lately."

"Done well?! You've been pigging out on junk food every night for the past week. You make me feel sick the amount of crap you are eating."

Tears stung my eyes. I knew she was right. "But I'm losing weight so what does it matter?"

Ana looked at me angrily. "What does it matter?" She asked incredulously. "It matters because it's all going to catch up with you at once and then all your hard work will have been wasted. You have the potential to do so well, and be so skinny. All you have to do is just do it."

I nodded. She was right she was always was.

"Now starting tomorrow you are going to go for a walk everyday, and do a little bit of strength training every night. Maybe if I start you off slowly you won't fail."

I nodded, I wanted so desperately to tell her I wanted to fast but I knew I would fail at that, I didn't have the self control to do it. I could want it but not do it, which is what always frustrated Ana.

"Thank you Ana," I said taking her hand and walking with her.

Ana always had a plan, and she would always come up with something for me. That was why I loved her, and she would never give up on me.

Onset

I walked down the street one day and suddenly realized what a monstrosity I had let myself become. That was the day I realized I had to do something about it. That was the day that everything changed for me. Quite often now I have good days, but I will look in the mirror and see something horrible. I woke up this morning went to work, but when I got home I looked in the mirror, and what I saw was heartbreaking and disgusting. I have been awake for 7 hours now and eaten 10 cherry tomatoes. I have weighed myself a couple dozen times, and simply want to break down and cry because of what I see in the mirror.

I see a girl who could be so pretty if she would just lose the weight. It is my resolve to start doing more. Since I am working now I am on my feet a great deal more which should help, as long as I restrain myself in the break room (Reese's pieces, tim bits, cookies, candies, etc.). I need to learn control and I need to learn it fast.

I am going to do a week of heavy restriction, between 200-600 calories. And work out everyday. I haven't been doing either lately, but I'm still between 214 and 218, so it's not like I have gained anything. But today it was like I was suddenly looking out through different eyes, because what I saw just did seem like it was me. I don't remember being this fat, I don't remember looking like such a whale. I don't remember ever feeling this bad about my body.

Something has to change or I will be depressed all my life. I want to be thin I want to be beautiful.

Woke up and looked in the mirror
watched the tear streak down my cheek.
Breathed in and watched my thighs jiggle.
Sighed and watched my belly wiggle.
Shuddered and my arms flapped.
I turned to see my back,
and saw the flab that was there.
My bum was no different
there was lard there also.
I stepped on the scale
the numbers were horrifying.
I stepped off, and stepped on again
the number was still the same.
Again I did this
but the number never changed.
The fat was there
but I was about to change that.
I walked out into the kitchen
and up to the fridge.
I looked at everything in the fridge
and decided everything was too much.
That was the first day I chose not to eat,
that was the day my life changed.
That was the first day of the rest of my life,
a life of control, sadness, and perfection.

Kind of Update

So my computer is currently working (crosses fingers), so I'm going to try and give you an update on everything that is going on here.

First of all, I'm pretty sure I have a job now. She phoned and asked if I would go in and fill out paper work, so I am doing that tomorrow. It would be great to not have so many hours in the day to be able to binge. Only down side is I'm moving to a different city at the end of August so I'll have to quit soon any way. Oh well. Once I move I'm going to take a beginners ballet class as motivation for me to do better, as well as an excuse to exercise because I have always wanted to be a ballerina. And yes I know right now I look the complete opposite of a ballerina.

Secondly, Josh has openly said I'm not his type. And oddly enough I'm alright with that. I mean he is 10 years older then me (which doesn't bother me), and we are looking for different things. So in reality it's for the best that it's not going to work out.

Third, I feel sick every time I eat. It's weird, sometimes I am actually physically ill. I don't like being sick, but at the same time it's helpful. I am eating less as a result. I don't mind eating less, I mean my UGW has changed dramatically. I want to be so tiny, and I have a number in mind for what I want to be, only I can't say because even I think it's insane.

Okay fourth, I am transposing music, and have finished one, and am almost finished another. It's going so well. I have also decided I want a new flute, which will take me a while to save up for because it's $11,600 before tax and warranty. It's a huge number, but what ever I want it and I will have it.

So lately I have been wanting to eat less, and exercise more, and it makes me happy because I know it should make the numbers less. I want to be better then yesterday, I want to be smaller then yesterday. I want tomorrow to be better. I want a perfect body, I want a perfect soul. I want to be weightless. I want to be so tiny any guy can pick me up with ease. I want my ribs to stick through my too thin skin. I want to walk in the snow and leave no foot prints. I want to see double digits instead of triple. I want everyone to think I'm thin.

Sorry guys, kinda went old school goals there. Oh well you guys understand better then anyone else. Time to go do some kind of exercise before bed.

Problems

So I hate to tell you that this is going to be a short post but it will likely be short. Firstly my weight is remaining within a 4 pound range which is only good because I'm not gaining. But now onto my good news bad news. Good news 66 followers. 66 people following me that I don't deserve. And the bad news? Well.... I broke my laptops power coupler, which means now it won't charge. So I might not be able to update you guys until after I get it fixed.... which will likely be a month after I can get it into the city. Ok so more bad news. Crystal? Yeah she is a lying back stabbing b****. She has decided that we are competing for Josh. So I told her I wasn't competing with her. I already know she won't win. Because he has told all of us he would never take her home because she is dirty.

In other news. I am going through everything in my closet in hopes of getting rid of some stuff so I have less when I move at the end of august. I also want to be able to ditch some of these clothes in a month simply because they are far too big. I will do this!! I will.

Good Luck Girls!! DO well Whilest I am away.