Whining

The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.

On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.



And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.


::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::

They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.

Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.

New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.

Razor Blade Feelings

So I realize I haven't been posting much or reading anyones blogs and I feel bad about that but I just don't have the time. I just don't even know what to say, I've been hurting so much lately. I've started cutting again, which scares me because I hadn't done it for years and now here I am back to square one. I just feel so useless, and helpless, and not good enough. I feel like I don't even deserve to live. Yet here I am. In a haze one night I carved "Not Perfect" into my left thigh, from just below my hip to just above me knee. It scares me but it comforts me.

I'm hoping to get myself a bit more together soon....

March 9/09

So March isn't a good month for me. On the 9th of March 2009, my graduating year of high school, one of my friends couldn't handle everything that was going on anymore and took a gun to his head. Now that it is getting close to that day, my life starts falling apart. It's the time of year when I go back to cutting, when air is enough, and when I just want to smoke like nobody's business.

But I have to be strong, make sure that no one know's I'm hurting.... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do right now that doesn't hurt.