This is the Way the World Works

So it's been a while since I posted but I really haven't felt like I am posting to anyone. I mean yes this blog is for me more then anything, but if no one is reading it, it feels pointless to talking to the empty net. Anyway I think I will ramble to the empty web anyway.

So the last couple of days have gone well eating wise. I made a resolve on Thursday that I had to get back on track, that this whole failing thing was not acceptable. Since then I have been doing reasonably well. Which makes me happy to post.

I have one week before I move to the city. I am terrified. It's the city I have always gone to growing up... but to live there? I mean there will be a lot more opportunities, and I'll be able to meet more people, and different kinds of people. And for the first while I will have complete freedom because my sister isn't moving until she finds a job, so I will be able to literally eat nothing and get away with it. I'd love to lose 10 pounds before she comes back, but it means lots of work and lots of dedication.

SO I have packed three suitcases of clothes, and two smaller duffel bags, and still have a tonne of clothes that aren't packed. I really need to get rid of a bunch. I think I'm going to start drinking a fruit smoothie that is literally just fruit and ice, so that I am getting all the nutrients and minerals without the dairy fat. As well as eating only veg for dinner, and maybe a little bit of rice or dry toast. I'm going to try to stay under 600 calories, but vary it day to day. I don't know, I just want to find something that I can really stick to that is going to work. I have so many beautiful clothes that I want to wear but can't because I'm too fat.

Sorry empty net, I've been rather rambly. I'm just going to end my post here, because I don't feel like putting in the effort to write a story, poem, letter, whatever.

Recently I have felt like I am in an eating spiral that I just can't get out of. We are moving in two weeks and we have to get rid of a bunch of our food, which of course means I am eating far more then normal. It makes me feel emotionally sick, I can watch my thighs expanding, and my stomach bulging, but at the same time I don't want to have to throw out the food, because it makes me feel bad. So do I feel bad cause I'm getting fatter (which I can fix), or for throwing out food (which I don't have the money to replace)? I'm in such a predicament, it sucks. Anyway, I know that isn't what you guys want to read. I found the most triggering video on YouTube, and it is where I have found my untold goal weight. It has remained untold because I know if I say it this will be more real, more scary.

So I have started packing, and have packed 16 boxes of books so far, and still have more to pack. I need to get rid of stuff. I also back a huge suitcase of goal clothes, which freed up a lot of space in my closet, it's amazing, however I have so many fat clothes that my closet is still full. I want to be able to start getting rid of them soon. I can give them all to my sister, cause no matter what I will always be smaller then her. Even when I weighed more then her I was still smaller.

Now is the best time for me to be starting a new life, a smaller life. I am moving, and no one knows me where I am going, no one knows the old me. I can become anything I want to be. Anyone I want to be.

I was with my friend for a few days, which really kind of sucks, because she is thin she's between a size 3 and 5, and she keeps talking about how she has lost 5 pounds and now all her clothes fit better, or how she needs to lose 2 more pounds before her 18Th. I am just like shut up, I am so fat it isn't even laughable. Yet she always tells me I'm not fat, that I am gorgeous. I hate how friends always lie to you. They just try to make you happy, but by lying to you they are setting you up for disappointment.

Moving on, I know you all like stories so I thought I'd treat you with one.
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It had been a few days since I had seen Ana, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see her again. We had had an argument, and she had left saying she wouldn't be coming back. So far she hadn't been back.

"I've been watching you."

I jumped startled. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"I could never leave you forever. I just had to prove my point."

I looked at her questioningly.

"That you don't have any self control without me." She said placing a boney hand on my fat arm.

"Thank you for coming back to me. I can't promise that I won't fight back, but I can promise to try, and I can promise that I will slowly get better at listening to you."

Ana smiled. "You will try, or you will always be fat." She said sternly. "But you will get better with my help."

I nodded, I was going to get better, and I was going to get thinner, and I was certainly going to reward myself for doing just such.

I grabbed Ana's hand, not for the first time, but hopefully for the last time. I didn't ever want her to leave me, and if I wasn't careful she would do just that. So now I would have to start trying to please her and only her. Because pleasing her meant getting what I wanted.
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And I will get what I want.

Short Update

OK so I have been doing good and bad lately... First off on Monday my sister and I went into the city and looked at 4 places, one of which we are both in love with so my sister gave the landlord cheques for everything for this month and next. This place is perfect; 3 bedroom (mine would have a walk in closet), one and a half bath, its upstairs and down so we wouldn't have to worry about our neighbours so much, and it has its own laundry facilities. Now some of you might not think that's great but to me it really is. Any way to continue on with the good news, I am still losing weight (not fast mind you but it is still going away), I weighed myself when I got up and I was 208.0.... I haven't weighed this little since 8Th or 9Th grade.... so to me this is a big deal. However its how I've been losing weight that's bad.... I've been pigging out on cookies and the like and not really eating very much, but everything I do eat is horrible...

Moving on. So I met this guy last night, well actually I have met him a few times but last night my friend got us together because she thinks we'd be good together, and I have to say I think we might be good together too, and it seems he thinks the same way. He drove me home last night (although my friend HAD to come with us), and seemed sad that I was leaving. I just can't wait to see him again, which is tomorrow night.

But I have to go to work which is why this isn't going to be a special post, or a long one. But I figured you guys would like some kind of update. Eat clean girls!!