Swim

So I am on target to reach my weight goal for this week, but I don't want to say anything too soon for fear of screwing myself up. I have taken up swimming, and have a month pass, which means I can go as often as I want for the $32. Which is really good because I plan on going about 5 times a week, which would be $90 without the pass. So hopefully this will help a great deal, because swimming is really good exercise and if I go for an hour or so at a time? Well I should start to see results really fast. Actually I have gone twice already and am seeing results. Hopefully I can keep up my motivation. I have so much weight to lose sometimes it gets discouraging, but if I look at it 10 pounds at a time it isn't so bad.

Alone

So I had a sudden realization today while watching P.S. I Love You on cable, while doing my sociology (currently studying family and types of marriage and such), why it is I can't find someone (other then being horrifically fat). I'm so afraid of being left alone; whether he'd leave me for someone else, or die; that I push people away. I push my friends away so that they can't leave me, I push away anyone who shows an interest in me.

I think that I would rather push them away before they can leave me, so that I don't have to feel that pain when they do eventually leave. I love learning something new about myself. It feels kind of empowering, just like losing weight.

So now I just have to figure out how to fix that whole abandonment issue, as well as lose weight consistently. Any tips you guys have for motivating yourself to exercise would be more then greatly appreciated.

15

So I realize it has been almost a month, but I wanted to have something good to tell you, and I wanted some time away from all the stuff that went on just before I took my "break". I stopped worrying so much for a bit, but didn't gain any weight thankfully. I have gotten down to my 15's instead of the 16's. Which is really cool, cause it means I'm that much closer to my goal. However it isn't all of my 15's just the bigger ones, but the smaller ones are almost 14's so I'm going to count them as such. Unfortunately I haven't really lost any weight, but it's the size I'm more worried about.
I found a friend, her name is Rhii, we both ave the same kind of problem. We are sick of being fat, want to be thin, and want it now. So we support each other and chat whenever we need to. And since we live in the same town it makes it better. I'm getting better with just eating healthy, although I still often just want to stop eating completely. However I will do what I can without being "unhealthy". I want to get to be a tiny little thing, but I don't actually want to look sickly. I just want there to be enough of me, and nothing more. Which probably doesn't make sense. It's weird I want to be really thin, but not sickly. Which is kind of contradictory.
Any way I just thought I would give you that quick update. I don't know how ofter I will post, but I will post. It really just depends on if I get negative comments, teeling me I'm a fake and a liar and so forth.


Luck and love.