Randomness

So about a week ago I went to my friends work and picked up a bunch of supplements. Just the standard multivitamin, hemp oil (for all my omega's), a protein supplement, and an antioxidant supplement. All in an attempt to make everyone think that I am trying to be healthier. Now for a couple days I was, but I just can't do it. On some level I think that I want to be sick, that maybe people will actually care about me if I'm sick. But the rational part of me screams out to be normal.

Looking back I strongly believe my disordered eating started about 7 years ago, when I became a vegetarian. I cut out meats because 1) It was eating those cute animals, and 2) it decreases your risk of heart disease by 35%. That was the first conscious thing I did for my health. Before I just wanted to be healthy. But when kids keep picking on you because of your weight, something changes. And it isn't about being healthy anymore. It's about becoming thin. It's about becoming what society expects. It's about becoming better than everyone.

I'm considering doing ABC.... but I haven't decided if I want to do that, or just go with restricting. What do you guys think?

Life and Death

Well I am fucked. I had a friend who told me I could tell her anything and she would rather die than betray me. Well guess what she told my sister everything. So now what? I'm so stressed right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. To put that on top? What the hell is the point in even living if I don't have anyone that I trust? I don't know what to do.