188

So I realize that it has been over a month since my last post, but I have finally started to get things together. Well food wise anyway.

There are so many things I need to tell you guys and gals. Firstly that it took me like 20 minutes for blogger to accept that the password I was giving was indeed the correct password. What a gong show that was.

So next on my epic list of things to tell to tell you guys is that I have been pretty sick as of recently. I had a case of acute tonsillitis. And I only say had because I am finally able to drink water without nearly bursting into tears. Which is awesome because all I've wanted to do the last like 3 days is just chug water which I couldn't do. So that is a success.

Now before my battle with tonsillitis I started to just not feel hungry, which of course didn't bother me because it meant I didn't have any reason to eat at all. And then with having tonsillitis I couldn't eat, I just starting nibbling yesterday. So as a result of this lack of eating I have watched my weight plummet to 188, before I was still sitting at 199-201 so I mean that is huge. I just have to be able to keep it off. And with my lack of appetite I don't see that being a problem. However I have been known to fail before so I'm not holding my breath.

Now I know this is going to sound completely mental and wrong but I have fallen in love with the documentary Thin by Lauren Greenfield. These girls make me want to cry because I'm such a fat cow. I also keep re-reading Winter Girls. I just feel like I will never be good enough, never be thin enough, never be pretty enough.

There are so many things that I want most of which I can hardly even think about because there are just so many floating around in my head.

But I have another day of hard rest ahead of me so I'm going to leave you all with that. I might even consider working out today since I am starting to feel better, and I mean I can have a nap later if I need to.

Oh man! Every time I tried to write the word then, I kept typing thin, think its a sign?




The following is an excerpt from Laurie Halse Anderson's Wintergirls. I hope you find the following passage as enlightening as I do.

I pee out the extra water inside me and strip. I stand five feet, five inches tall, a little shorter than freshman year. That's when my periods stopped, too. I pretend to be a fat, healthy teenager. They pretend to be my parents. Everything is just fine.

I close my eyes.

As I step on the scale, Jennifer warns Emma about ice cream.

As I step on the scale, Emma fears vanilla.

As I step on the scale, Dad swings his racket and scores.

As I step on the scale, Mom slices open a stranger.

As I step on the scale, shadows edge closer.

As I step on the scale, Cassie dreams.

I open my eyes. 099.00 pounds. I am officially standing on Goal Number One.
Ha.