Short Update, Story

Just a quick update and story. So today I was doing really well, then I came home kinda hungry(I hadn't eaten for 7 hours) and decided it would be a good idea to make pizza. I ate half of it bleh, so like half of a medium pizza. I feel so sick right now, so I'm letting my stomach settle and then doing the running program. I have also been chugging water like it is going out of style. Which is making me fee bloated. And to top it all off, JJ is going to the hospital tomorrow to get "emotional stabilizers". Just before I realized what he was talking about I said "If you fucking show up stoned tomorrow, I'll leave you on the deck." So to say the least I feel pretty bad. He likes smoking weed to mellow out, but hasn't for almost a month.

So the story today, is actually just story, completely fiction... for the most part.
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I rubbed at where my collar bone should be, and saw the fat compress under my touch. I slide my hand down to where the roll covered where my hip bones were. All the years of eating junk and definitely caught up with me. Years of my mother telling me to clean my plate, or to have some chips. I hated myself, more then anything else in the world. I had quit cutting almost three years ago, now when I got upset or angry I would bite myself, hard enough to leave a mark, but not hard enough to draw blood. I had just barely raised my wrist to my mouth when she showed up.

"What cha doing?" Ana asked in her sing song voice.

"Easing my pain." I replied simply.

"How is that going to help? You binged, now you need to workout, so that you don't add even more lard to that fat body of yours."

Ana was so harsh, but she was always right. "Ana, what should I do?" It was always the same question, with a varied answer.

"Well for starters you can do your running program, then do the sexy stretch," She paused to laugh, "Though I don't know if anyone could consider you sexy."

Again she was right, and I knew it. The whole reason for JJ not wanting to date had to be because of my weight right? I mean all his other girlfriends had been very thin and very flexible. One day I would be there too.

Ana gave me a light push towards the treadmill. I turned and went to my room instead.

"What are you doing?" Ana screamed at me, "You have to work out!"

I ignored her, and slid on my walking clothes, and then my shoes. "Ana I just wanted to get ready. I don't like walking and jogging in jeans."

"You weren't going to skip out?"

"No Ana. I want your help."

"Good."

"Til death due us part, remember?" I said with a smile, as I started walking on the treadmill.

Story

So I was going to go to bed straight away, but decided to post a short story episode.
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Ana looked at the scale as I stepped on for the third time, just to make sure we got the same reading each time. "Well Rae, you have made some progress, but I expect you to stick with the plan you layed out."

I stared at the numbers in shock, "I know Ana, I didn't really try hard this week, but I didn't binge either, so it's ok."

Ana looked very angry, her glare piercing my heart. "It is not, OK! You didn't try! For all you know if you had tried you would have hit your goal."

Ana was right as usual. If I had walked a bit more, or ate a bit less I would have hit my goal. "Ana, I will hit it next week, I promise."

"Yes bet your fat ass you will, because tomorrow you start the running program and 700 cals a day!"

I nodded I remembered without her help. "I know."

"God that ass is fat! I don't know how JJ can stand groping it when you guys makeout, then again that fat stomach is right in between you." He words were harsh as usual, but they were all true. I had wondered the same thing not long before.

I looked into the mirror staring at my naked reflection. It was grotesque. I hated it. "Ana help me?" I whispered.

"Of course." She said wrapping her frail arms around me. "Til death due us part. Remember?"

How could I forget? I just nodded.

Yay! Story Time!

So I was writing some inspirational stuff in my Ana journal, and realized that I haven't posted any story stuff in a while, so here goes nothing.
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"Rae look at yourself. Do you see what I see?"
I shook my head.
"I see a lonely, fat girl who has no hope of finding a boy. At least not with that body. I can't see ribs, or hip bones, I can't even see your collar bone! You disgust me!"
"Ana I'm sorry. But I have a new plan, and I'm going to stick to it. I want to fit into those pants by the beginning of March, middle of March at the latest."
"Ha! You told me that you had tried before Christmas and it didn't work."
"This time I have you Ana. I know I can do it with your help."
Ana looked at me sternly. I knew what she was thinking. I turned back to the mirror, I was only wearing my bra and underwear, something I could hardly stand to see myself in. I could see the fat hanging off of me. I could see the roles that made up my stomach. I could see the lard hanging off of my back. The cupcakes on my butt. The pizza on my thighs. The chocolate on my arms. I felt a tear slid down the donut that was my cheek.
"Oh Ana! It's horrible."
"And YOU keep forgetting that." She smartly pointed out.
I nodded. "Ana please remind me every time I forget. I don't want to be like this anymore."
Ana wrapped her thin arm around my bulging waist. "I will help you as long as you want my help."
"Don't ever leave me. Please don't ever leave me." I sobbed, still staring at my reflection.
"I won't." She promised.
"'Til death due us part?" I whispered hopefully.
"'Til death due us part." She agreed.

Story... and my Fail Win?

So my insomnia has taken over tonight... so I'm up at 5ish am posting... So I weigh myself every night before I go to bed... which is about 2:30am... and wouldn't ya know it I lost 0.4lbs... even after binging for like 2 days straight I don't get it... so at the moment I am 225.8... lowest I've been in quite a while... but I am going out Friday night and need to shave off like an inch off my stomach if I can so if any of you have some tips or tricks, post a comment please!! I am "planning" on fasting for the next two days hopefully that will help!! I just hope I have enough control for that!! And since I'm up I'm browsing the web for suggestions... and I'm going to post more story in this blog entry... because I can!
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"God you are such a fat cow! You do know that, right?" Ana asked, tear rimmed eyes staring me down.
"I know Ana, and I'm sorry. I don't know why I wasn't listening to you. I just couldn't help it. It was like the peanut butter and chocolate chips forced their way into my mouth."
"Ha more like you forced them in. You went way over your calorie limit for the past," Ana paused to calculate. "Jesus! It's almost been a week. You NEED to recommit. Do you want Joseph to think you are a fat cow? Do you want him to think about you, or think about how your fat goes the opposite direction as you?"
I gaped at her, did she really just say that? "Ana I'm sorry, will you please help me?"
"Your mother will be suspisious." She warned.
"What do I say?"
"Tell her good o'l faithful, you don't feel well."
I scoffed. "She won't buy that."
"Yes she will. Trust me."
"Til death due us part." I vowed.

The Leaving

I had made it through the tenth grade, lost 15lbs, and found a new friend in Ana. Of course Lee was always there at school for me, but Ana was like the love of my life! Then I found out that Lee was moving. I cried, and asked her why.
"Because Rae, I have to get away from my mom, so I'm going to live with my dad."
She moved to a small town about 12 hours away. That was when Ana really took over my life the first time.
"Rae, why do you look so sad?"
"You know why Ana, my best friend just moved, I have a right to be upset."
"As long as you don't binge." She said, laying down beside me on the bed.
I just ignored her and cried. I didn't want her to be part of my life anymore. She shouldn't be here if Lee isn't here, that was my thought.
Over the next two years, I pushed her out of my life, and let C take over. I gained a total of 40lbs, I hated the way I looked and worst of all didn't want to exist.
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From here on in all of my conversations with Ana, will be kind of what I think to myself, and kind of fiction. I'm not crazy!!... well I am but I don't actually talk to Ana. Oh and C is Ana's girl's fictional character, but I'm going to use her to, mostly because, she pops up so often.

Second Meeting

After my first meeting with Ana I hated myself more than ever before. I didn't want to eat but I kept eating anyway. My friend Ana on the other hand still kept trying to get me to workout with her, but I kept resisting. I went over to her house one day, it was a half hour walk and I found I enjoyed just walking. When we got to her house we had tea and she told me more about herself, the parts she had kept locked away.
"I cut myself Rae, almost everyday." She said rolling up her sleeves.
I saw all the cuts and gashes, and noticed a strange resemblance.
I rolled up my own sleeves, revealing my own cuts and gashes. We stared at each others arms for a long while before she finally spoke again. "You want to lose weight right?"
I nodded. "More then anything."
"You should become Ana with me."
I laughed. "But Ana's your name."
"It's just the name I go by, my real name is Lee. You can call me either though, I respond to both."
Lee, I thought, that will make this far less confusing. "So if your name is Lee, why do you goo by Ana?"
"Because Ana is who I am, my name just didn't suit me."
That day she taught me about thinspo, and restricting, and even tips and tricks. I found something to finally make me beautiful, and I was going to do it at all costs.
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Oh and could someone explain to me how to put pictures in my posts? It would be much appreciated. Thank you!!!!

Story

So starting soon, I'm going to be posting my real life stories, which I'm actually going to start from two years ago, when I was first introduced to Ana. Now since the girl who introduced me to Ana doesn't know I'm doing this blog, I'm going to call her Ana. Now there are times when she resorted to Mia, so she is kind of like Ana in progress, because at this point in my life her and I no longer talk since we live many hours apart. I imagine that she has become the true form of Ana and will become thus in the "story".