Whining

The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.

On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.



And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.


::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::

They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.

Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.

New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.

Razor Blade Feelings

So I realize I haven't been posting much or reading anyones blogs and I feel bad about that but I just don't have the time. I just don't even know what to say, I've been hurting so much lately. I've started cutting again, which scares me because I hadn't done it for years and now here I am back to square one. I just feel so useless, and helpless, and not good enough. I feel like I don't even deserve to live. Yet here I am. In a haze one night I carved "Not Perfect" into my left thigh, from just below my hip to just above me knee. It scares me but it comforts me.

I'm hoping to get myself a bit more together soon....

March 9/09

So March isn't a good month for me. On the 9th of March 2009, my graduating year of high school, one of my friends couldn't handle everything that was going on anymore and took a gun to his head. Now that it is getting close to that day, my life starts falling apart. It's the time of year when I go back to cutting, when air is enough, and when I just want to smoke like nobody's business.

But I have to be strong, make sure that no one know's I'm hurting.... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do right now that doesn't hurt.

188

So I realize that it has been over a month since my last post, but I have finally started to get things together. Well food wise anyway.

There are so many things I need to tell you guys and gals. Firstly that it took me like 20 minutes for blogger to accept that the password I was giving was indeed the correct password. What a gong show that was.

So next on my epic list of things to tell to tell you guys is that I have been pretty sick as of recently. I had a case of acute tonsillitis. And I only say had because I am finally able to drink water without nearly bursting into tears. Which is awesome because all I've wanted to do the last like 3 days is just chug water which I couldn't do. So that is a success.

Now before my battle with tonsillitis I started to just not feel hungry, which of course didn't bother me because it meant I didn't have any reason to eat at all. And then with having tonsillitis I couldn't eat, I just starting nibbling yesterday. So as a result of this lack of eating I have watched my weight plummet to 188, before I was still sitting at 199-201 so I mean that is huge. I just have to be able to keep it off. And with my lack of appetite I don't see that being a problem. However I have been known to fail before so I'm not holding my breath.

Now I know this is going to sound completely mental and wrong but I have fallen in love with the documentary Thin by Lauren Greenfield. These girls make me want to cry because I'm such a fat cow. I also keep re-reading Winter Girls. I just feel like I will never be good enough, never be thin enough, never be pretty enough.

There are so many things that I want most of which I can hardly even think about because there are just so many floating around in my head.

But I have another day of hard rest ahead of me so I'm going to leave you all with that. I might even consider working out today since I am starting to feel better, and I mean I can have a nap later if I need to.

Oh man! Every time I tried to write the word then, I kept typing thin, think its a sign?




The following is an excerpt from Laurie Halse Anderson's Wintergirls. I hope you find the following passage as enlightening as I do.

I pee out the extra water inside me and strip. I stand five feet, five inches tall, a little shorter than freshman year. That's when my periods stopped, too. I pretend to be a fat, healthy teenager. They pretend to be my parents. Everything is just fine.

I close my eyes.

As I step on the scale, Jennifer warns Emma about ice cream.

As I step on the scale, Emma fears vanilla.

As I step on the scale, Dad swings his racket and scores.

As I step on the scale, Mom slices open a stranger.

As I step on the scale, shadows edge closer.

As I step on the scale, Cassie dreams.

I open my eyes. 099.00 pounds. I am officially standing on Goal Number One.
Ha.

Samich

SO I thought I should update you whilst I sit here and eat. And before you even think it, it' a full plate for only 200 cals (probably a little less but I'm rounding up to be safe), an orange and a lettuce and cheese salad, only one slice of cheese and mustard for flavour. I've been doing better these past couple days, I have actually lost 4 of the 10 I had gained, and tomorrow my numbers will be lower again. I can and will do this, because tasting thin is going to be the most amazing thing in the world. Once you taste thin you can't go back to what you were, which is fine by me cause I can't even think about being back to the beginning. I will be thinner tomorrow then I was today.

In fact I have actually been able to see myself thin recently, and I like the idea of it more then ever, which is probably why I'm doing better.

Stay beautiful, always think thin.

Battle

Ok so my 20th birthday was last Saturday. And it really upsets me that I am still this big and now 20. At least when I was 19 I had a chance of becoming amazingly thin... now that I am out of my teens it feels like a losing battle or a gaining battle in this case...

.... Stupid Food

Dear god, I am fat.

I have been binging almost none stop the past couple weeks. And gained quite a bit of the weight I had gotten off back. My fat spills over the new jeans I bought cause all my other ones were too big. Well now they fit again! Great there goes that hard work.... which means I am going to have to work hard again just to get back to that point...