188

So I realize that it has been over a month since my last post, but I have finally started to get things together. Well food wise anyway.

There are so many things I need to tell you guys and gals. Firstly that it took me like 20 minutes for blogger to accept that the password I was giving was indeed the correct password. What a gong show that was.

So next on my epic list of things to tell to tell you guys is that I have been pretty sick as of recently. I had a case of acute tonsillitis. And I only say had because I am finally able to drink water without nearly bursting into tears. Which is awesome because all I've wanted to do the last like 3 days is just chug water which I couldn't do. So that is a success.

Now before my battle with tonsillitis I started to just not feel hungry, which of course didn't bother me because it meant I didn't have any reason to eat at all. And then with having tonsillitis I couldn't eat, I just starting nibbling yesterday. So as a result of this lack of eating I have watched my weight plummet to 188, before I was still sitting at 199-201 so I mean that is huge. I just have to be able to keep it off. And with my lack of appetite I don't see that being a problem. However I have been known to fail before so I'm not holding my breath.

Now I know this is going to sound completely mental and wrong but I have fallen in love with the documentary Thin by Lauren Greenfield. These girls make me want to cry because I'm such a fat cow. I also keep re-reading Winter Girls. I just feel like I will never be good enough, never be thin enough, never be pretty enough.

There are so many things that I want most of which I can hardly even think about because there are just so many floating around in my head.

But I have another day of hard rest ahead of me so I'm going to leave you all with that. I might even consider working out today since I am starting to feel better, and I mean I can have a nap later if I need to.

Oh man! Every time I tried to write the word then, I kept typing thin, think its a sign?




The following is an excerpt from Laurie Halse Anderson's Wintergirls. I hope you find the following passage as enlightening as I do.

I pee out the extra water inside me and strip. I stand five feet, five inches tall, a little shorter than freshman year. That's when my periods stopped, too. I pretend to be a fat, healthy teenager. They pretend to be my parents. Everything is just fine.

I close my eyes.

As I step on the scale, Jennifer warns Emma about ice cream.

As I step on the scale, Emma fears vanilla.

As I step on the scale, Dad swings his racket and scores.

As I step on the scale, Mom slices open a stranger.

As I step on the scale, shadows edge closer.

As I step on the scale, Cassie dreams.

I open my eyes. 099.00 pounds. I am officially standing on Goal Number One.
Ha.

Samich

SO I thought I should update you whilst I sit here and eat. And before you even think it, it' a full plate for only 200 cals (probably a little less but I'm rounding up to be safe), an orange and a lettuce and cheese salad, only one slice of cheese and mustard for flavour. I've been doing better these past couple days, I have actually lost 4 of the 10 I had gained, and tomorrow my numbers will be lower again. I can and will do this, because tasting thin is going to be the most amazing thing in the world. Once you taste thin you can't go back to what you were, which is fine by me cause I can't even think about being back to the beginning. I will be thinner tomorrow then I was today.

In fact I have actually been able to see myself thin recently, and I like the idea of it more then ever, which is probably why I'm doing better.

Stay beautiful, always think thin.

Battle

Ok so my 20th birthday was last Saturday. And it really upsets me that I am still this big and now 20. At least when I was 19 I had a chance of becoming amazingly thin... now that I am out of my teens it feels like a losing battle or a gaining battle in this case...

.... Stupid Food

Dear god, I am fat.

I have been binging almost none stop the past couple weeks. And gained quite a bit of the weight I had gotten off back. My fat spills over the new jeans I bought cause all my other ones were too big. Well now they fit again! Great there goes that hard work.... which means I am going to have to work hard again just to get back to that point...

New Years

So I have already started crossing off the days of this year in a countdown to my goal weight. The only resolution I made this year was to do better then the previous ones. Which really means so many things to me.

First it means losing more weight faster.

Second it means finding love. Which may be closer then I thought, cause I met this guy. His name is Mike and he is wonderful. The only thing stopping us from dating is a bad relationship he got out of.

Third it means getting a 4.0 in college.

Fourth it means becoming the assistant manager at my job.

Fifth it means getting to a size 0 (if possible cause I know some bone structures won't allow it. And yes I know this is basically the same as losing weight).

So with all that said I guess I should tell you that I gained almost 7 pounds in 3 days at Christmas and am still struggling to get it off again. But I have a new plan which is pretty simple and so if I screw it up there is no hope for me.

Oh just thought of a sixth.

Sixth it means to be able to not cringe when a guy wraps his arms around me.

Anyway I start college on Thursday, which kinda sucks cause it means a few 15 hour days, which means it'll be hard to eat if I don't take money.

Anyway I have to go to sleep... I just thought I'd give you guys some kind of update... even though it isn't a good one.

Stupid Short Update...

Not doing so good....
Still in love with him....
He still doesn't care.....
I'm still not worthy of him anyway.....

ABC!!!

So I figure it is time to post again even though I don't want to. I hate updating when I don't have anything good to say. And I really don't have anything good to say. But I figured you guys deserved an update. I have been binging like crazy and deserve the weight I have gained. However it is not going to continue! I hate the way I look! I hate the way I feel! And I most certainly hate that I am not good enough!

All I want in life is to be thin and happy. I can't be one without the other. It just doesn't work that way for us. And I hate that I always feel like no matter what I do I won't be good enough until I've lost 5 more pounds, 10, 20, 40, 80...... It's never enough but I'd be happy with 5 at a time.

In reality I know it will never be enough but at the same time I don't really care. I just want to be thin and frail. Beautiful.

This post has jumped around so much and yet I haven't really said anything of any value. So here is something of value. I plan on starting ABC on Wednesday. Now you might be asking why Wednesday and not tomorrow? Well my Mom is coming in tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint her so I figure another day of eating won't hurt considering what I have already done. Plus I have been really doing some serious cleaning in my room so soon I will have enough space to workout everyday.

One day I might be thin enough
for you to sweep me off my feet
but until that day
I will try harder then ever
to become your equal
to become someone worthy of you.
I want to be that girl
the one that takes your breath away
but only yours
cause I only have eyes for you.