Peter

So I met Peter a while ago, about the first week of September, and it never really hit me how thin he really was. I mean he is a truly beautiful being, and if I wasn't so sure he was gay, and so repulsed by myself I would likely jump him. Anyway moving on. I only see or talk to him once a week cause we both attend the same music group, but lately it's like he's lost weight. He pants are really loose and baggy, even with his belt on. His sweaters hang off his fragile frame. And when I hug him I can feel all his bones. Now there is that part of me that wants to shove food in his mouth and make him swallow so that he isn't so tiny. But then there is the bigger part of me that says, "but you know that his size is part of why you think he is so attractive." And I know that if I could have it my way I would be the same size as him. And I will be. But right now it kind of scares me to see what I want to become. Does that ever happen to any of you? Now Peter and I don't talk a lot, we have our small talk, our Thursday night hugs, and sometimes a few texts throughout the week. But part of me wants to be with him all the time, because I feel ashamed to eat when I think about him. I feel like I am failing because of how tiny he is, and how obvously not tiny I am. I just want to be his equal.

Anyway on another note. I have lost a little bit more. This morning I was 198.6 yay me! So I have decided that I am going to make it my goal to lose 2-4 pounds a week until my birthday (January 8) and from then we will see what happens. But with this new found confidence, and Peter, I think I should be okay. Plus all of John Kristopher's fantastic energy helps a tonne too. Anyway I still want to work out a bit before bed.

Intake for the day:
PB&J Sandwich: 175
Pickle: 0
Cheese: 75
2 Oranges: 75

Total: 225 (What? Really? Hmmmm... I'm okay with that)

Success?

So I know that it has been almost a month, however I finally have some good news. I have finally broken the 200 pound barrier. This morning even after eating I was 199.0. I can't even remember the last time I weighed under 200 pounds. which means 1 more pound and I will have lost a total of 35 pounds. Though it really doesn't feel like I've lost anything. I am still fatter then a whale. On another good note though I am having a treadmill delivered today (finally!), which means I can walk, jog, run, whatever even when its -40 outside. I also have a new found need, desire (sorry I really couldn't think of the right word) to just get rid of the weight. To become pure and thin and beautiful.

On another note I would like to welcome me first (known) male follower. John Kristopher. His blog is http://hausofbones.blogspot.com/ he is a truly remarkalbe young man and I am happy as a duck in water, to have him here.

Moving onward. I have quit one of my two jobs. Mostly because I'm working full time at my other one and partly because they treated me like crap there. Also I bought a pair of jeans the other day didn't try them on or anything size 14 on with no effort. Love it.

I can't wait for the day that someone walks up to me and says wow you are so skinny. I'm working on it harder then ever.

Ana's Wisdom:
Don't just set out to do 10 sit ups. Set out to do as many as you physically can. And then do 10 more after that.

Eat just enough that you don't pass out. If you pass out you can't work out. And if you pass out people start to worry, and if they worry they will ship you off to be fixed.

Edit:
My treadmill has arrived, it isn't as advanced as I had originally thought but it is going to make me work. I'm super excited but it needs to warm up so I don't completely trash it right after having got it. But I plan on going on it after I get home from Harry Potter. In preperation for HP I have only eaten a PB&J sandwich today, on low cal bread, so a total of about 200 cals. Not too bad for a fat chick.

120th Post

So here I am. Nothing more. Nothing less. Still the same. I will be changing things here as I go on a journey. I'm hoping that starting tomorrow I will be able to set rules that I can stick to. Rules that will become my essence. An essence that will be a thin, beautiful girl. A girl who can blow away in the wind. A girl who will deserve you, a boy who's name I do not know.

This blog has thus been a bust. I have been blogging for months, and yet I have only lost 30 pounds. That isn't good enough in my eyes, and you all should expect better from me. It makes me sick to think that this is a pro-ana blog. Because it isn't it can't be pro-ana when the owner of that blog is not anorexic. So it will stay named as it is, as I get closer to that achievement.

Ana's Wisdom:
Each day that you eat a little less, or workout a little more, is a day that you crawl closer into my arms. Is a day that you get closer to all your dreams coming true. I know you want your dreams to come true, all you have to do is become thin and everything you ever wished for will come true. You will be beautiful and you will be loved, but most of all you will be wanted. Don't ever let anyone tell you that you are too thin, because you can never be too thin.

Hopefully I will be able to post again soon with some good news. But until then I hope you are all doing well, and know that I will be trying my absolute hardest to become better, thinner, stronger.

100

So this is only going to be a short post basically celebrating that I now have 100 followers. None of which I deserve since I fail time and time again. Yet I feel strong and empowered. I want to do better for every single one of the 100 of you guys. I feel like I owe it to you guys to do better. I owe it to myself to do better. I have about 100 pounds to go so hopefully I can lose a pound for each of you out there that is cheering for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

walk a little faster,
eat a little less
hope everyday that
tomorrow will be the best.
I wish this pain would go away
that I could make it leave.
Yet here I am starving
only wanting your attention.
walk a little faster
eat a little less
starve a little more
become a little smaller
so one day I'll deserve you.

Comes and Goings

"Move your toes or something," Ana hisses in my ear.
I sit watching my movie.
"You fat cow look at what you just ate."
After working six days straight I felt entitled to a few crackers with peanut butter and chocolate chips, Ana felt other wise. I tried to ignore her.
"Sweetie all you have to do is go into that bathroom kneel over and bring everything back up." Me said sitting next to me, eating her enormous chocolate bar.
"Just go for a walk please! You are going to get fat just sitting there doing nothing." Ana pleaded.
I remained in the same spot pretending I couldn't hear them. It was my day off, I had to work the next thirteen in a row I could lose weight then. Right now though? I just want to sit and try to recover some energy. I was exhausted.
"If you don't go into the bathroom soon nothing will come up 'cause you will already have digested it." Mia stated quite simply.
"Just a quick walk around the block." Ana whispered.
"Would you two just shut up for today? Tomorrow I won't even be home and there for will not be able to eat. I need one day of just doing nothing 'cause I am going to be damn busy starting tomorrow."
Ana and Mia both looked at me in shock. I had never been so harsh with them. But the rest of the night they sat looking at me watching me eat nothing more. I had eaten a few small things earlier but nothing really substantial.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as you can assume I will be working the next 13 days straight. Some of those days at more then one job. I also have a rehearsal and a concert in that time. I hope I live through it and come out slightly smaller from the effort. Any way it is time for bed cause I am exhausted.

Oh Barf

So I did something strange and new to me today. And it was scaring and alluring. I purged for the first time ever. I don't even remember what made me walk into the bathroom, lift up the seat, kneel down one hand holding back my hair the other bracing me. But it was surprisingly easy. I gagged once, and then I wasn't just gagging. After I finished I rinsed my mouth washed my hands and went back to the living room.

Yet after I was done I didn't feel any better. I still feel fat and disgusting. It's not that I weigh anymore, it's that I have been eating crap and staying the same weight, it makes me feel horribly guilty.

I guess I have hit a point where I can turn back into Ana's arms, or go straight to Mia's arms, or have them both embrace me. And right now I'm not sure what I want anymore. Cause I always tell girls not to purge, or that I wish they would purge less. But now I don't know anymore.

Possiblities.....

So I know that it's been a while. And it hasn't been because I've been doing poorly. I'm so close to my next goal that I can metaphorically taste it. Yesterday I ate around 300 calories and worked for over 11 hours. It was a good day. Today however will be a true test of my will power. I have the day off, and have so much food in my house. But I can't leave my house because I moved over a month ago and still haven't finished unpacking, so I have to do that. I'm just so worried that I'm going to slip up and ruin my progress. So I think that while I am unpacking and cleaning I will watch movies that make me wish I was thin and have a pair of my goal pants out where I can see them.

The plan for the day food wise is between 200 and 500 calories. And I would like to fit in some kind of work out in.

I want to hit my goal by Monday. And I am only 3.8pounds away from that so it is possible. I just have to stick with it.