Oh Barf

So I did something strange and new to me today. And it was scaring and alluring. I purged for the first time ever. I don't even remember what made me walk into the bathroom, lift up the seat, kneel down one hand holding back my hair the other bracing me. But it was surprisingly easy. I gagged once, and then I wasn't just gagging. After I finished I rinsed my mouth washed my hands and went back to the living room.

Yet after I was done I didn't feel any better. I still feel fat and disgusting. It's not that I weigh anymore, it's that I have been eating crap and staying the same weight, it makes me feel horribly guilty.

I guess I have hit a point where I can turn back into Ana's arms, or go straight to Mia's arms, or have them both embrace me. And right now I'm not sure what I want anymore. Cause I always tell girls not to purge, or that I wish they would purge less. But now I don't know anymore.

Possiblities.....

So I know that it's been a while. And it hasn't been because I've been doing poorly. I'm so close to my next goal that I can metaphorically taste it. Yesterday I ate around 300 calories and worked for over 11 hours. It was a good day. Today however will be a true test of my will power. I have the day off, and have so much food in my house. But I can't leave my house because I moved over a month ago and still haven't finished unpacking, so I have to do that. I'm just so worried that I'm going to slip up and ruin my progress. So I think that while I am unpacking and cleaning I will watch movies that make me wish I was thin and have a pair of my goal pants out where I can see them.

The plan for the day food wise is between 200 and 500 calories. And I would like to fit in some kind of work out in.

I want to hit my goal by Monday. And I am only 3.8pounds away from that so it is possible. I just have to stick with it.

Sorry, Please Try Again

So we aren't even going to talk about the several chocolate bars that found their way into my stomach. However today has been pretty good. I'm at about 400 calories, and am planning on eating a solid 650-700. It feels like so much, but after my horrible binge yesterday, it's a good get back on track number. I also think I shall go for a long walk tonight since I didn't work today. But I'm going to go make myself some salad to eat once my sister gets home so she will see me eating. She is still suspisious that I am having problems with food. I still can't believe I screwed up so bad yesterday. Anyway I will do better, so I can be thin.

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?!

Holy cow... can it be... another good day.... two in a row?!?!?! total for the day 450 calories.... I am in shock.... that's all I really have to say.... WOW! (Sorry in total shock)

Success

I actually did reasonably well today. About 400 calories, however I am seriously lackng in the drinking water part of my plan. But I worked both jobs today and it was tough, it is exhausting.

Other then that I don't really have anything to report. This is such a lame post lol.


Yet another poem by me. Just to beef up my post.

A need started within me
and grew into an action
I starved myself to become happy
my heart was slowly breaking.
I wanted you to save me,
and need you to take me.
But you never came
so I continue trying
my very hardest to be happy.
Yet for some reason
there is something missing.
I think it might be you.
I'd hate to think you left me
all alone to deal with this.
Yet I have no other choice
I'm rid myself of sin
the only way I know how.
I'm starving for perfection
changing my direction
hoping it will lead to you.

A Plan? That might actually work?

So I have made some recent decisions, with a little help I might add. I have decided to start out a bit slower and gradually get better.
So my new rules starting well..... today:
1. No eating after 7pm
2. Workout at least 4 times a week.
3. Eat less then 900 calories a day, including liquid calories.
4. When hungry eat calorie free foods.
5. Cut back by at least 50 calories every week.
6. Get at least 7 hours of sleep every night
7. Drink at least 1 cup of green tea every day
8. Drink at least 1.5 liters of water everyday.
9. Say no to food at least twice a day.
10. Think thin all the time, to help stay on track.

I may change a few, or add more, we'll see how it goes. Now I had a question on my Letter's to Ana post, Ana is just my reference to my problems with eating. It was just a fictional letter to no one but me.

Job?

ok ew. So I am currently doing the salt water flush... yeah the only word to describe it is gross. Drinking the water is gross, the effects of it are gross, but hopefully it will take off a few pounds. Cause if it doesn't take off any weight I won't ever be doing it again.

So as you all probably guessed I haven't really been ding ABC, however I have been pretty restrictive. And I am walking a lot more then I usually would so I have seen a little bit of weight come off. Cause I had gained about 5 pounds back, so I have almost lost that in these past 4 or 5 days. Anywho I have to go I need to find something I can put in my tummy so that when I go for my interview at Applebee's I don't get tempted, or have a growling stomach.

Luck and Love