Potato

So today after BellaAna's divine intervention, I have eaten 1 small potato with a little bit of margarine (about 75 cals), and will be leaving in half an hour to go to work. IT also took me nearly 40 minutes to eat said potato. I feel really good about today. I plan on walking to the bus station after work instead of taking a bus there. So that will likely be a half hour or more of walking (I'm not quite sure I haven't walked it yet), and then I will have some swiss chard (it's like spinach), about 35 calories of that to make my total for the day a meager 110Cals! If I can stick to that I will be so happy, however I am going to boost that total to 150 just incase I'm like crazy hungry after work.

I love being on track and focused. I'll update you guys once I get home (it will be edited into this post), just to help keep me accountable.
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EDIT

So I slipped up a bit today. But I managed to stay at about 500 calories. So I figure today was day 1 of ABC. Tomorrow I will do better. The plan is to be under 200 by October 1. Let's see if I can stick to that goal. I'm about 209 right now, maybe a little less. It's going to take hard work and dedication. If I could prove to myself that I can do that? Then it proves to me that I can do anything.

Letters to Ana

So after binging for the past couple of days I feel rather unqualified to even have this blog. However I need this blog. It is becoming an addiction. Just the way Ana keeps luring me in. I am just lacking self control. However my dear friend BellaAna reassured me that we all fall screw up sometimes and that we just have to keep believing in ourselves. She has been helping me so much lately, and I want to keep thanking her over and over again.



Dear Ana,
I continue to fail you, yet you stay with me. I wish that I could be more faithful to you, but it's just so hard. My life would be easier if I could, so why do I continue to go against you? Maybe because this is still new, or because I am trying to be rebellious, but whatever the reason it is tearing me up inside. All I want in life is to be thin and beautiful just like everyone else, and with your help and divine inspiration that should be possible. Yet I keep failing you. But for tonight know that I am going to bed hungry for the first time in a long time and that I hope that this will at least bring a smile to your face.

Love Always
Rae


PS I will try harder in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.

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Sorry I'm so pathetic guys, but Iwill try harder, I will do better.

Real Update

So I thought I should give you guys a real update. Yesterday was both successful and a huge failure. I ate some noodles for lunch(340cals) and then I didn't eat again until about 10:30pm. And we all know that eating at night is bad. I won't even tell you that intake, but it was when my success happened. I was eating away at my KD and realized that I didn't even want anymore. I threw out about half a cup of food. I have never been able to throw out food like that. I also had a rather large chocolate bar. However it opened my eyes. I eat because I'm bored not that I'm hungry and not that I want to eat. I eat for something to do.
So here I am now at 3:30pm after a horrible night for eating, and I have nothing in my tummy. I haven't even felt the need to drink my diet Pepsi that I bought just to have a diet fizzy drink.
I have also fell madly in love with Supersize vs. Superskinny again. I keep watching episodes online, and thinking how can those Supersizers get to that size. I mean I am in between the two extremes. But I know which end I would rather be on. I keep looking at how some of the superskinny's eat and think.. "I could do that. If I just tried." And right now I feel like I can do anything. I am planning what to eat, what to say, what exercises to do. I just have so many things running through my head. And I know if I get hungry drinking diet drinks will make me feel full.
So I can't remember if I told you guys why I was away. My computer kind of exploded in my lap and need to be repaired. So it is currently being fixed (it needed a new mother board), and I am playing on my new lap top.

So with all of that said my plan for today it
Lunch: 1 slice of bread with tomato 55cals
Supper: soup 60cals
Snack: 1 slice of bread with cheese 100cals
total: 215 (but we'll round up to 300 just in case I eat a little more or add some crackers to said soup)

So 300 cals for today is the plan. It's exciting.

Exercise for today: 30 minutes of walking
50 of each crunchs, leg lifts, modified push-ups, reverse crunches, and squats.
30 minutes of dance

Yay for eating little and actually exercising. But I'm going to go wash the dishes and eat my lunch. But first a poem for thought.

I opened my eyes
ran to the bathroom
something had to change
the numbers weren't any lower
tears stung my eyes
I looked at my self in disgust
I hated my body
I skipped breakfast
I went for a walk instead.
I fabricated dishes for lunch
I did crunches instead.
I ate some soup for supper
but threw it up in the bathroom
The emptiness was growing
surely my bones were showing
yet when I looked in the mirror
only fat and lard was there.
But soon it would be gone
soon I would be nothing
but perfected emptiness.

Failed Attempts

Still alive?
unfortunately
Still fat?
sadly yes
Feel like dying?
Everyday

I wake up in the morning feeling fat and disgusted, and yet often I eat like a fat pig anyway. But that's all about to change. I have the space to work out. I have the means to work out. I will now work out. And I will make it work. This is it, my final attempt to change everything about the way I look.

This is the Way the World Works

So it's been a while since I posted but I really haven't felt like I am posting to anyone. I mean yes this blog is for me more then anything, but if no one is reading it, it feels pointless to talking to the empty net. Anyway I think I will ramble to the empty web anyway.

So the last couple of days have gone well eating wise. I made a resolve on Thursday that I had to get back on track, that this whole failing thing was not acceptable. Since then I have been doing reasonably well. Which makes me happy to post.

I have one week before I move to the city. I am terrified. It's the city I have always gone to growing up... but to live there? I mean there will be a lot more opportunities, and I'll be able to meet more people, and different kinds of people. And for the first while I will have complete freedom because my sister isn't moving until she finds a job, so I will be able to literally eat nothing and get away with it. I'd love to lose 10 pounds before she comes back, but it means lots of work and lots of dedication.

SO I have packed three suitcases of clothes, and two smaller duffel bags, and still have a tonne of clothes that aren't packed. I really need to get rid of a bunch. I think I'm going to start drinking a fruit smoothie that is literally just fruit and ice, so that I am getting all the nutrients and minerals without the dairy fat. As well as eating only veg for dinner, and maybe a little bit of rice or dry toast. I'm going to try to stay under 600 calories, but vary it day to day. I don't know, I just want to find something that I can really stick to that is going to work. I have so many beautiful clothes that I want to wear but can't because I'm too fat.

Sorry empty net, I've been rather rambly. I'm just going to end my post here, because I don't feel like putting in the effort to write a story, poem, letter, whatever.

Recently I have felt like I am in an eating spiral that I just can't get out of. We are moving in two weeks and we have to get rid of a bunch of our food, which of course means I am eating far more then normal. It makes me feel emotionally sick, I can watch my thighs expanding, and my stomach bulging, but at the same time I don't want to have to throw out the food, because it makes me feel bad. So do I feel bad cause I'm getting fatter (which I can fix), or for throwing out food (which I don't have the money to replace)? I'm in such a predicament, it sucks. Anyway, I know that isn't what you guys want to read. I found the most triggering video on YouTube, and it is where I have found my untold goal weight. It has remained untold because I know if I say it this will be more real, more scary.

So I have started packing, and have packed 16 boxes of books so far, and still have more to pack. I need to get rid of stuff. I also back a huge suitcase of goal clothes, which freed up a lot of space in my closet, it's amazing, however I have so many fat clothes that my closet is still full. I want to be able to start getting rid of them soon. I can give them all to my sister, cause no matter what I will always be smaller then her. Even when I weighed more then her I was still smaller.

Now is the best time for me to be starting a new life, a smaller life. I am moving, and no one knows me where I am going, no one knows the old me. I can become anything I want to be. Anyone I want to be.

I was with my friend for a few days, which really kind of sucks, because she is thin she's between a size 3 and 5, and she keeps talking about how she has lost 5 pounds and now all her clothes fit better, or how she needs to lose 2 more pounds before her 18Th. I am just like shut up, I am so fat it isn't even laughable. Yet she always tells me I'm not fat, that I am gorgeous. I hate how friends always lie to you. They just try to make you happy, but by lying to you they are setting you up for disappointment.

Moving on, I know you all like stories so I thought I'd treat you with one.
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It had been a few days since I had seen Ana, I was beginning to wonder if I would ever see her again. We had had an argument, and she had left saying she wouldn't be coming back. So far she hadn't been back.

"I've been watching you."

I jumped startled. "I thought you weren't coming back."

"I could never leave you forever. I just had to prove my point."

I looked at her questioningly.

"That you don't have any self control without me." She said placing a boney hand on my fat arm.

"Thank you for coming back to me. I can't promise that I won't fight back, but I can promise to try, and I can promise that I will slowly get better at listening to you."

Ana smiled. "You will try, or you will always be fat." She said sternly. "But you will get better with my help."

I nodded, I was going to get better, and I was going to get thinner, and I was certainly going to reward myself for doing just such.

I grabbed Ana's hand, not for the first time, but hopefully for the last time. I didn't ever want her to leave me, and if I wasn't careful she would do just that. So now I would have to start trying to please her and only her. Because pleasing her meant getting what I wanted.
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And I will get what I want.

Short Update

OK so I have been doing good and bad lately... First off on Monday my sister and I went into the city and looked at 4 places, one of which we are both in love with so my sister gave the landlord cheques for everything for this month and next. This place is perfect; 3 bedroom (mine would have a walk in closet), one and a half bath, its upstairs and down so we wouldn't have to worry about our neighbours so much, and it has its own laundry facilities. Now some of you might not think that's great but to me it really is. Any way to continue on with the good news, I am still losing weight (not fast mind you but it is still going away), I weighed myself when I got up and I was 208.0.... I haven't weighed this little since 8Th or 9Th grade.... so to me this is a big deal. However its how I've been losing weight that's bad.... I've been pigging out on cookies and the like and not really eating very much, but everything I do eat is horrible...

Moving on. So I met this guy last night, well actually I have met him a few times but last night my friend got us together because she thinks we'd be good together, and I have to say I think we might be good together too, and it seems he thinks the same way. He drove me home last night (although my friend HAD to come with us), and seemed sad that I was leaving. I just can't wait to see him again, which is tomorrow night.

But I have to go to work which is why this isn't going to be a special post, or a long one. But I figured you guys would like some kind of update. Eat clean girls!!