Goodish News?

Well... we all have bad days, and we all have good days. Today was an okay day. I ate a third of a veggie burger, one potato, some veggies, a little bit of cheese, and some cotton candy. Not horrid. I also walked for a bit. So it was okay. Not good. Not bad. I went clothes shopping yesterday, and tried on a pair of pants in my 16 that I have bought for years, and had to get the sales associate to get me the 14's. I was so excited. Because I had bought a few pairs of 14's at my thrift store and had been wearing them for about a week, but to go into a store and buy 14's after trying on 16's and having them too big. I was so pleased with myself.

Sorry I have been rambling about something I am only pleased with. However this is no where near the end. I have a long way to go. I will pause to celebrate and then carry on.

To Be Perfect?

I want to sleep, but I know if I do the horrors will ensue. I want a sense of control, I want to belong. But how can I do that when no one seems to notice I'm here. I could scream in the middle of a crowded room and no one would hear me. The worst part is all I want is to be wanted and needed, and instead I get shoved to the side because there is always someone better, or more wanted. Not only that but I mean is it too much to ask that when I text you, you know who it is? After you gave me your number? And seriously when did everything become about looks? I spent years working on my personality and you don't want to pay attention to it? So now I have to devote the rest of my life, making my body the image of perfect because I hate the way I look all because I wasn't like the models or the actresses. And I would say screw you except I think they look perfect too, and completely despise the way I look, no matter how I look it just isn't right. No matter how hard I work it isn't hard enough. No matter how happy I seem I am being torn apart inside. And no matter how much I think you might give me a chance, deep down I know you don't want the fat girl I am. Why do we bother to live life if all it is, is pain? Why doesn't someone change the way we look at ourselves, so we can all see our self as beautiful no matter how we look? It would be so much easier if we were all blind, so we wouldn't have to worry about what we look like. I just want a sense of control in this crazy mixed up world.

Sorry guys this has been a rather tangential rant about... I don't even know what.

Talk About Weird

I have discovered that I am the weirdest binge eater. I had a huge binge last night, but I didn't eat chips, or chocolate, or fried foods, or fast food.... I ate a tonne of fresh veggies. Who binges on veggies? Well I do. I just thought I'd share my weirdness with you.

.... Riiiiiight

I am so disappointed in myself right now. I had gone 18 hours without any food, and I was just going to have a bit of soup... 180cals for the whole thing... except I wound up eat grilled cheese as well. The good news is I am going swimming again tonight so I'm going to push it really hard. Also I'm going to do a bunch of ab exercises once I get home from swimming, since I have noticed almost everything I own is either tight in that area, or would just look better if I tightened up that area. I mean as far as binges go it was under 500 cals... which is all I've had today. I will probably have some veg for supper. And maybe some fruit as a snack if I need it. I have almost reached the perfect 14! And am on the edge of 220! Things are starting to look better, it makes me happy. Well.... off to go get ready for working out!

Swim

So I am on target to reach my weight goal for this week, but I don't want to say anything too soon for fear of screwing myself up. I have taken up swimming, and have a month pass, which means I can go as often as I want for the $32. Which is really good because I plan on going about 5 times a week, which would be $90 without the pass. So hopefully this will help a great deal, because swimming is really good exercise and if I go for an hour or so at a time? Well I should start to see results really fast. Actually I have gone twice already and am seeing results. Hopefully I can keep up my motivation. I have so much weight to lose sometimes it gets discouraging, but if I look at it 10 pounds at a time it isn't so bad.

Alone

So I had a sudden realization today while watching P.S. I Love You on cable, while doing my sociology (currently studying family and types of marriage and such), why it is I can't find someone (other then being horrifically fat). I'm so afraid of being left alone; whether he'd leave me for someone else, or die; that I push people away. I push my friends away so that they can't leave me, I push away anyone who shows an interest in me.

I think that I would rather push them away before they can leave me, so that I don't have to feel that pain when they do eventually leave. I love learning something new about myself. It feels kind of empowering, just like losing weight.

So now I just have to figure out how to fix that whole abandonment issue, as well as lose weight consistently. Any tips you guys have for motivating yourself to exercise would be more then greatly appreciated.

15

So I realize it has been almost a month, but I wanted to have something good to tell you, and I wanted some time away from all the stuff that went on just before I took my "break". I stopped worrying so much for a bit, but didn't gain any weight thankfully. I have gotten down to my 15's instead of the 16's. Which is really cool, cause it means I'm that much closer to my goal. However it isn't all of my 15's just the bigger ones, but the smaller ones are almost 14's so I'm going to count them as such. Unfortunately I haven't really lost any weight, but it's the size I'm more worried about.
I found a friend, her name is Rhii, we both ave the same kind of problem. We are sick of being fat, want to be thin, and want it now. So we support each other and chat whenever we need to. And since we live in the same town it makes it better. I'm getting better with just eating healthy, although I still often just want to stop eating completely. However I will do what I can without being "unhealthy". I want to get to be a tiny little thing, but I don't actually want to look sickly. I just want there to be enough of me, and nothing more. Which probably doesn't make sense. It's weird I want to be really thin, but not sickly. Which is kind of contradictory.
Any way I just thought I would give you that quick update. I don't know how ofter I will post, but I will post. It really just depends on if I get negative comments, teeling me I'm a fake and a liar and so forth.


Luck and love.