I told another lie today

I feel like I have failed you all because I've been eating... but I also don't want my family to worry. I know that I haven't been doing too bad, but I also know that I could be doing better. I want to learn to hide food, to fabricate evidence, I want to be able to say no to my favorites. I've been watching Hannah's Story on youtube... it's a portion of Hollyoaks a British soap opera(?)... it is so motivating... I mean really... if she can do it so can I.


So I started posting this last night, only to be interrupted by none other then Jay. Yeah I thought I was done with that... but apparently not. He showed up need a place to stay so I let him stay the night, and hopefully he won't be back, because I really don't need that. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he loved me, but I mean really? I hadn't seen him for two months and he expects me to just forgive him like that? I don't think so.

Anyway... I leave for Seattle in less then two days, and I am sooooo fat. Like I mean I weighed myself last time and saw the dreaded 225..... it was horrible. Hopefully today will have pushed that down.

But alas I have packing to do so... I must be off.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Update

Hey guys it's been a few days... I've been doing pretty good lately.. eating about 600 calories a day. I am back down to 223.6... I want to be under 220 for Wednesday. So hopefully that will happen. The fast went well. In fact I dropped almost 3 pounds. But I have a final in the morning so I am going to bed. I will update you more tomorrow!! I promise!!

Stuff.....

Hey guys, so I've found the most amazing sandwich in the world for only 190cals.... so it's two slices of body wise bread(100 cals), two slices of meatless bologna(40 cals), one lite cheese slice(50 cals), and as much mustard as you want. So yeah I have discovered I like to eat that with about 10 cherry tomatoes. I feel like I'm not doing very good, but I mean I live with my sister and she has noticed changes in my body that I haven't noticed. I mean I have lost about 10 pounds... but I still have so far to go that I get so discouraged. Yesterday my sister actually told me that she wanted my help to lose weight. She weighs less then me but is about two sizes bigger. She was like how did you do it? And of course I can't tell her that I've been starving myself, so I told her, I've been working out more and eating less. I mean it is the truth.... just not the whole truth. I want more then anything to be perfect... but it's going to take so long... I don't want to have to keep putting in a tonne of effort and hardly see any results... I didn't even do my weigh in last night because of how bad I felt.

Hopefully with the fast, and some extra exercise, I will be able to hit my first goal... I don't ever want to be above 225 again... I figure if I slowly lower what I never want to be above again, I might stand a fighting chance. I'm going to look up some good weight loss tips later today... It might not be until tonight. But if I find anything I want to share I will post again later, maybe with some thinspo to go with it.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

FAST!!!

So got some news... I'm going to be doing a 40 hour fast... going to start Monday night at 7pm until 11am Wednesday... I hope that's right lol... and then after that I will be starting my hoodia regime... which kinda makes me excited... I mean it's supposed to work wonders so hopefully it will help me. So hopefully a few of you will be doing the fast... hopefully this is enough notice... I'd start now... but I have so much homework I'm going to need the 150cal sandwich. Oh the bad news however is that my sister kind of thinks I have an eating disorder... which I kind of do... but I really haven't lost enough weight fast enough to have anyone worried thank god. But I have to go do forensic's... and calculus... I hate life... I'm so fat... oh well fast tomorrow night...

Gah

I'm so sorry guys!... I have to start with that because the strength I had at the beginning of the day diminished as soon as my sister left. I ate too much, but didn't binge. Had McDonald's at 3am. Though it was a grilled cheese and medium fries. I felt so bad after I didn't eat again until 6:30pm the next day. I slept for 12 hours. And am about to get ready to go out dancing. I need to look pretty tonight cause I have this thing for one of the bouncers at the only bar I go to. I hope you guys are doing better then I am.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

Clash of the Titans

Alrighty so just a quick post. I went and saw Clash of the Titans last night, and oh my god for thinspo. The girl that plays Andromeda (Alexa Davalos), is so thin you can see the bones in her chest! Every time I saw her it literally took my breath away. It gave me inspiration to not eat. So today I have been up for an hour already, I have started my laundry, did all my hand washables, and stuck a piece of gum in my mouth. Remember chewing gum burns 11 calories an hour! So I have to go through my closet within the next hour, and then I will be scrubbing walls. No food for me for I am strong! However I will update this if that changes. 100 crunches, 50 squats, 20 push ups, 20 tricep kick backs, and 20 v's (I don't know what to call it you lay on your back and raise your legs straight up and let them fall so they lok like a v and then squeeze your legs back together). So that is the plan for the day. 1 follower to go! Hopefully I get one more before my Seattle trip. While I'm there (April 14-19) I will keep a journal and make all the posts when I get back because I wont have internet while I'm there.

I want to be perfect. I NEED to be perfect.

A Plan

So I have decided once I have 40 followers (2 to go) that I will complete a 40 hour fast, with 40 extra minutes of exercise a day. Now this may be subject to be altered slightly, but that is the plan. It may also not happen like the day after I have 40 followers but I will do it and I will let you know in case you want to participate as well. Good plan? I think so. Also I am going to be doing at least 100 crunches a day, along with 50 squats, and a bunch of inner thigh exercises, and I will be doing yoga at least three times a week. I need to start getting serious and this is the first step. And if I binge one hour of exercise, along with everything else I do. I also want to do 4 hours of walking a week to start, so just over 30 minutes a day. I also need suggestions for my arms.... because they are massive.... so that is my plan as of now... later tonight I will either post again or edit this one with my current weight... because I haven't been home since sunday and it is now thursday... long time to be away from home, especially when you are with your family.




EDIT

Weighed in.... not nearly as tragic as I thought 224.4lbs ..... so about where I was last week... even with all the horrible food I put in my body... so that's good.... Hopefully this week will go well.