Five Months, Two Weeks, One Day

So it has literally been forever. Over 5 months? Almost half a year. There is so much to update everyone on. And so many blogs to read. I don't even know where to begin.

So shortly after my last post I found the love of my life. I have been with him since June 12, we live together in a two-level three bedroom town house together. Just us and our two kittys. And life is good. Except for one thing. I am still a fat ass. The scale this morning said 204. Once KW (that's what we'll go with in case anyone finds this) and I got together I felt better about who I was and pretty much instantly gained 10 pounds. But the weight has been daunting me since forever. He knows all about my eating problems, and wants me to be better. I haven't lost any real weight but I haven't gained any either. And now I am extatic. I am taking a tonne of vitamines, and two different diet pills, all with my boyfriends permission. He really only wants me to be happy but I do also know that he wants me to be healthy. Which is something I don't think I could ever fully be. I have purged while with him, but lied and told him my stomach was just really upset. I have listened to Ana music, read some blogs, watched some videos, read some books. I get upset with myself everyday because I do count the calories I eat, but know KW will be upset if he finds out how little I have eaten, because I can't lie to him. So now with taking the diet pills everyday, and eating super healthy, and working out more than I say I am I will start losing weight fast.

Now other than the internal battle, I was promoted to store manager at my job a month and a half ago. I get to run the show. Boss around 6 boys. It's great. I also have picked up a second job for Christmas season. So often I am too busy to eat, which is also great.

I have completely forgotten what else I was going to talk about so for now I shall leave with that, and hopefully it won't be 5 months before I'm back again.


Five hundred calories a day is working. Truth = 094.00.
Another goal weight. W00t.
I should be diamond sparkly champagne shooting to the stars, but the loud speaker between my ears crackls on, full volume, with another goal, 085.00, 085.00, 085.00.
085.00 is dangerland. 085.00 is Fourth of July fireworks in a small metal box.

Holy Over a Month

I am currently watching Alice in Wonderland (the new version with Johnny Depp, and Anne Hathaway), when I suddenly realized that a) I hate trying to be normal when all I want is to be thin.... and b) dear God its been a long time since I have updated my blog and have ever so much to tell you guys.

So first and foremost I am back up to about 203 after being force fed and watched, and now I am what is considered "normal" in my family but what is actually clinically obese, not just an idea in my head. I am actually obese.

Second I am moving out of my sisters place within the next couple months and in with a couple friends, possibly three. All girls. So we can have our own little world. Now none of them have an ED but it doesn't much matter to me. We won't see each other much anyway, because of us all working different shifts.

Okay third, the love of my life walked back into my life only to jump right back out. On here he is going to be known as Edward because he reminds me a little of Edward off of Twilight. We met about 6 years ago and really hit it off, but we kind of lost touch, and I'm sure we are meant to be but he just wants to be friends. I am going to love him forever but I know I can be satisfied with someone else.

Fourth I am not going to college in the fall. I have decided I want to just live life for a while. And figure out what I really want to do with it before I spend a fortune on an education.

Fifth I need to get back to Onderland myself. I hate climbing on the scale and seeing it say fatass. So I need to come up with some kind of plan of action! So I am going to do a couple of hours of research and then I will update this post as to what my plan is.

Randomness

So about a week ago I went to my friends work and picked up a bunch of supplements. Just the standard multivitamin, hemp oil (for all my omega's), a protein supplement, and an antioxidant supplement. All in an attempt to make everyone think that I am trying to be healthier. Now for a couple days I was, but I just can't do it. On some level I think that I want to be sick, that maybe people will actually care about me if I'm sick. But the rational part of me screams out to be normal.

Looking back I strongly believe my disordered eating started about 7 years ago, when I became a vegetarian. I cut out meats because 1) It was eating those cute animals, and 2) it decreases your risk of heart disease by 35%. That was the first conscious thing I did for my health. Before I just wanted to be healthy. But when kids keep picking on you because of your weight, something changes. And it isn't about being healthy anymore. It's about becoming thin. It's about becoming what society expects. It's about becoming better than everyone.

I'm considering doing ABC.... but I haven't decided if I want to do that, or just go with restricting. What do you guys think?

Life and Death

Well I am fucked. I had a friend who told me I could tell her anything and she would rather die than betray me. Well guess what she told my sister everything. So now what? I'm so stressed right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. To put that on top? What the hell is the point in even living if I don't have anyone that I trust? I don't know what to do.

Whining

The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.

On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.



And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.


::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::

They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.

Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.

New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.

Razor Blade Feelings

So I realize I haven't been posting much or reading anyones blogs and I feel bad about that but I just don't have the time. I just don't even know what to say, I've been hurting so much lately. I've started cutting again, which scares me because I hadn't done it for years and now here I am back to square one. I just feel so useless, and helpless, and not good enough. I feel like I don't even deserve to live. Yet here I am. In a haze one night I carved "Not Perfect" into my left thigh, from just below my hip to just above me knee. It scares me but it comforts me.

I'm hoping to get myself a bit more together soon....

March 9/09

So March isn't a good month for me. On the 9th of March 2009, my graduating year of high school, one of my friends couldn't handle everything that was going on anymore and took a gun to his head. Now that it is getting close to that day, my life starts falling apart. It's the time of year when I go back to cutting, when air is enough, and when I just want to smoke like nobody's business.

But I have to be strong, make sure that no one know's I'm hurting.... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do right now that doesn't hurt.

188

So I realize that it has been over a month since my last post, but I have finally started to get things together. Well food wise anyway.

There are so many things I need to tell you guys and gals. Firstly that it took me like 20 minutes for blogger to accept that the password I was giving was indeed the correct password. What a gong show that was.

So next on my epic list of things to tell to tell you guys is that I have been pretty sick as of recently. I had a case of acute tonsillitis. And I only say had because I am finally able to drink water without nearly bursting into tears. Which is awesome because all I've wanted to do the last like 3 days is just chug water which I couldn't do. So that is a success.

Now before my battle with tonsillitis I started to just not feel hungry, which of course didn't bother me because it meant I didn't have any reason to eat at all. And then with having tonsillitis I couldn't eat, I just starting nibbling yesterday. So as a result of this lack of eating I have watched my weight plummet to 188, before I was still sitting at 199-201 so I mean that is huge. I just have to be able to keep it off. And with my lack of appetite I don't see that being a problem. However I have been known to fail before so I'm not holding my breath.

Now I know this is going to sound completely mental and wrong but I have fallen in love with the documentary Thin by Lauren Greenfield. These girls make me want to cry because I'm such a fat cow. I also keep re-reading Winter Girls. I just feel like I will never be good enough, never be thin enough, never be pretty enough.

There are so many things that I want most of which I can hardly even think about because there are just so many floating around in my head.

But I have another day of hard rest ahead of me so I'm going to leave you all with that. I might even consider working out today since I am starting to feel better, and I mean I can have a nap later if I need to.

Oh man! Every time I tried to write the word then, I kept typing thin, think its a sign?




The following is an excerpt from Laurie Halse Anderson's Wintergirls. I hope you find the following passage as enlightening as I do.

I pee out the extra water inside me and strip. I stand five feet, five inches tall, a little shorter than freshman year. That's when my periods stopped, too. I pretend to be a fat, healthy teenager. They pretend to be my parents. Everything is just fine.

I close my eyes.

As I step on the scale, Jennifer warns Emma about ice cream.

As I step on the scale, Emma fears vanilla.

As I step on the scale, Dad swings his racket and scores.

As I step on the scale, Mom slices open a stranger.

As I step on the scale, shadows edge closer.

As I step on the scale, Cassie dreams.

I open my eyes. 099.00 pounds. I am officially standing on Goal Number One.
Ha.

Samich

SO I thought I should update you whilst I sit here and eat. And before you even think it, it' a full plate for only 200 cals (probably a little less but I'm rounding up to be safe), an orange and a lettuce and cheese salad, only one slice of cheese and mustard for flavour. I've been doing better these past couple days, I have actually lost 4 of the 10 I had gained, and tomorrow my numbers will be lower again. I can and will do this, because tasting thin is going to be the most amazing thing in the world. Once you taste thin you can't go back to what you were, which is fine by me cause I can't even think about being back to the beginning. I will be thinner tomorrow then I was today.

In fact I have actually been able to see myself thin recently, and I like the idea of it more then ever, which is probably why I'm doing better.

Stay beautiful, always think thin.

Battle

Ok so my 20th birthday was last Saturday. And it really upsets me that I am still this big and now 20. At least when I was 19 I had a chance of becoming amazingly thin... now that I am out of my teens it feels like a losing battle or a gaining battle in this case...

.... Stupid Food

Dear god, I am fat.

I have been binging almost none stop the past couple weeks. And gained quite a bit of the weight I had gotten off back. My fat spills over the new jeans I bought cause all my other ones were too big. Well now they fit again! Great there goes that hard work.... which means I am going to have to work hard again just to get back to that point...

New Years

So I have already started crossing off the days of this year in a countdown to my goal weight. The only resolution I made this year was to do better then the previous ones. Which really means so many things to me.

First it means losing more weight faster.

Second it means finding love. Which may be closer then I thought, cause I met this guy. His name is Mike and he is wonderful. The only thing stopping us from dating is a bad relationship he got out of.

Third it means getting a 4.0 in college.

Fourth it means becoming the assistant manager at my job.

Fifth it means getting to a size 0 (if possible cause I know some bone structures won't allow it. And yes I know this is basically the same as losing weight).

So with all that said I guess I should tell you that I gained almost 7 pounds in 3 days at Christmas and am still struggling to get it off again. But I have a new plan which is pretty simple and so if I screw it up there is no hope for me.

Oh just thought of a sixth.

Sixth it means to be able to not cringe when a guy wraps his arms around me.

Anyway I start college on Thursday, which kinda sucks cause it means a few 15 hour days, which means it'll be hard to eat if I don't take money.

Anyway I have to go to sleep... I just thought I'd give you guys some kind of update... even though it isn't a good one.

Stupid Short Update...

Not doing so good....
Still in love with him....
He still doesn't care.....
I'm still not worthy of him anyway.....

ABC!!!

So I figure it is time to post again even though I don't want to. I hate updating when I don't have anything good to say. And I really don't have anything good to say. But I figured you guys deserved an update. I have been binging like crazy and deserve the weight I have gained. However it is not going to continue! I hate the way I look! I hate the way I feel! And I most certainly hate that I am not good enough!

All I want in life is to be thin and happy. I can't be one without the other. It just doesn't work that way for us. And I hate that I always feel like no matter what I do I won't be good enough until I've lost 5 more pounds, 10, 20, 40, 80...... It's never enough but I'd be happy with 5 at a time.

In reality I know it will never be enough but at the same time I don't really care. I just want to be thin and frail. Beautiful.

This post has jumped around so much and yet I haven't really said anything of any value. So here is something of value. I plan on starting ABC on Wednesday. Now you might be asking why Wednesday and not tomorrow? Well my Mom is coming in tomorrow and I don't want to disappoint her so I figure another day of eating won't hurt considering what I have already done. Plus I have been really doing some serious cleaning in my room so soon I will have enough space to workout everyday.

One day I might be thin enough
for you to sweep me off my feet
but until that day
I will try harder then ever
to become your equal
to become someone worthy of you.
I want to be that girl
the one that takes your breath away
but only yours
cause I only have eyes for you.

Thinking Thinky Thoughts

Ok so I tried to update yesterday morning... but it didn't work... So here's how things are so far... I broke my fast mid way through the second day, which sucks but I'm still proud that I even made it that far. I have never really been good at fasting. However I am down to 197.0 again so that's good.

I have a concert tonight and it's the last time I will see Peter until after the new year. But I have found my motivation. It comes in the form of a picture. Peter packing his ex-girlfriend through the snow. And I mean he's tiny but her? She was so fricken skinny it hurt me. So everytime I look at that picture I loose my appetite, because I know that he would never be able to pack me like that. So it motivates me to walk a little faster, eat a little less, and most of all... actually exercise.

So here I am giving you guys an update while I wait for the hot water to replentish itself. Well I was going to update you guys after showering.... but if I did that it would be like maybe 5 words long.

So now I'm going to end this one with a question. What are your favorite cardio and strength training exercises?

PS: I'm not answering until my next post just to add some suspense.

Blarg!

I did so good yesterday... and you know what my reward was? another weight gain!! Back up to 197.8 FML.

Anyway now I am super stoaked about this fast. Cause I need to get the weight off. Who knows if things go well we might even wind up extending the fast longer, which would be sweet.

Now just so you all know I really am not that positive. I just know that if I don't say it will happen it definately won't happen. So I just pretend like it will be alright and sometimes it turns out fine.

But alas I am off to work again.... Cause even though I quit my second job I am working 45 hours this week and 47 hours next week..... CRAZY!!!!!

Anyway I hope everyone particiapating in the fast does well with it, and everyone not participating does equally as well.

Cookie Monster

Damn those cookies yesterday. I'm not sure how they found there way into my mouth but they just tasted so good.... and I was hungry :(

Though on the plus side I'm still at 197.2 so not a huge gain. And I am planning on doing a liquid fast for the duration of Tuesday and Wednesday. Anyone who wants to fast with me just let me know. We'll do it together.

I however am going to have to appologize for how short this is... but I have to get to work. And I'm not taking any money with me... cause then I can't buy food. So I can only eat what I take.

The Bus

So I would like the record to clearly state that I have been updating so much simply because I have people following and commenting. 'Cause let's face it no one feels like updating when they think no one is listening.

Anyway I totally forgot to give you my bus ride update last night. And I don't know how I forgot cause it had me downright pissed off. So here I am standing at my bus stop waiting, and this morbidly obese woman stands right beside me. Now I was packing a rice cooker at the time (it's part of my sisters Christmas present), and she starts going off about how she needs to get herself a new rice cooker. Then she sat right across from me on the bus and starts talking about the kinds of rice there are, and how when she went to a nutritionist a couple years ago the nutritionist told her to eat such and such a kind. And how after going to the nutritionist and watching too much Dr. Oz she became a real crazy health freak. And I just kept nodding and smiling cause I didn't want to hurt the poor womans feelings by telling her that she doesn't look like she has ever eaten a health food in her life. I mean seriously? How can you be so oblivious to your own size?

On that note this morning I was 196.8 yay me!

Blah blah blah

I feel like the biggest failure. I had a decent day and then I got home about an hour ago. I was going to have a small bit of rice to satisfy the hunger monster.... but I wound up having a bit more, and a bit more. I mean it was still probably only a cup and a half but still. It upsets me that I don't have the control I want. But it makes me happy to know that I didn't just binge completely when I easily could have... and I did think about just eating and eating and eating.

Anyway I was unable to weigh myself this morning because I had to leave super early to get shit done. So I'm all anxious cause I don't know what I weigh. I don't usually get anxious about it.

Update from last night though. I did some pain management today. I went and got my wrist pierced, and a second lip one done. However the wrist one may have to be taken out and redone, cause it might not heal properly, which sucks.

So here is my question(s?) for everyone in the cyber world. What do you find motivates you to exercise and stick to your food plan? And second, how do you go about fixing your broken hearts?


PS: I know this is super short so therefore I must add some volume to it by writing depressive poetry.

I scrolled through your pictures
the ones I just found.
You look so sad these days
I always wondered why.
You seemed happy in those pictures
holding her tight.
Did she leave you, gone
left you to cry?
You looked so healthy
now you look tiny.
I have this burning want
to just make you smile.
I want to be small enough
to fit into your miniscule
bright pink sweater.
I want to fit perfectly
wrapped in your arms.
Yet I have so far to go
just to get to that place,
it seems like miles away.
Yet maybe both our sorrows
would be erased if I could get there.
I just need to take an extra step
everyday to get there sooner.
We will be one
one tiny couple.

Tears

It's horrible wanting to die, but not killing yourself simply for the fact that you don't want people to remember you as fat.

I have slipped back into a rather depressed state, and have been sitting here just crying. Mostly about how I'm not good enough enough, how I deserve nothing, how I hate myself. Just dumb shit.

I'm at about 600 calories for the day and I feel like shit for that, but logically I know its less then half what I really need. And it was all healthy. So that's good.
I was 197.4 this morning.... which is also good.

But I need to go cry some more and just get it out. Hopefully the next post is happier.