Five Months, Two Weeks, One Day

So it has literally been forever. Over 5 months? Almost half a year. There is so much to update everyone on. And so many blogs to read. I don't even know where to begin.

So shortly after my last post I found the love of my life. I have been with him since June 12, we live together in a two-level three bedroom town house together. Just us and our two kittys. And life is good. Except for one thing. I am still a fat ass. The scale this morning said 204. Once KW (that's what we'll go with in case anyone finds this) and I got together I felt better about who I was and pretty much instantly gained 10 pounds. But the weight has been daunting me since forever. He knows all about my eating problems, and wants me to be better. I haven't lost any real weight but I haven't gained any either. And now I am extatic. I am taking a tonne of vitamines, and two different diet pills, all with my boyfriends permission. He really only wants me to be happy but I do also know that he wants me to be healthy. Which is something I don't think I could ever fully be. I have purged while with him, but lied and told him my stomach was just really upset. I have listened to Ana music, read some blogs, watched some videos, read some books. I get upset with myself everyday because I do count the calories I eat, but know KW will be upset if he finds out how little I have eaten, because I can't lie to him. So now with taking the diet pills everyday, and eating super healthy, and working out more than I say I am I will start losing weight fast.

Now other than the internal battle, I was promoted to store manager at my job a month and a half ago. I get to run the show. Boss around 6 boys. It's great. I also have picked up a second job for Christmas season. So often I am too busy to eat, which is also great.

I have completely forgotten what else I was going to talk about so for now I shall leave with that, and hopefully it won't be 5 months before I'm back again.


Five hundred calories a day is working. Truth = 094.00.
Another goal weight. W00t.
I should be diamond sparkly champagne shooting to the stars, but the loud speaker between my ears crackls on, full volume, with another goal, 085.00, 085.00, 085.00.
085.00 is dangerland. 085.00 is Fourth of July fireworks in a small metal box.

Holy Over a Month

I am currently watching Alice in Wonderland (the new version with Johnny Depp, and Anne Hathaway), when I suddenly realized that a) I hate trying to be normal when all I want is to be thin.... and b) dear God its been a long time since I have updated my blog and have ever so much to tell you guys.

So first and foremost I am back up to about 203 after being force fed and watched, and now I am what is considered "normal" in my family but what is actually clinically obese, not just an idea in my head. I am actually obese.

Second I am moving out of my sisters place within the next couple months and in with a couple friends, possibly three. All girls. So we can have our own little world. Now none of them have an ED but it doesn't much matter to me. We won't see each other much anyway, because of us all working different shifts.

Okay third, the love of my life walked back into my life only to jump right back out. On here he is going to be known as Edward because he reminds me a little of Edward off of Twilight. We met about 6 years ago and really hit it off, but we kind of lost touch, and I'm sure we are meant to be but he just wants to be friends. I am going to love him forever but I know I can be satisfied with someone else.

Fourth I am not going to college in the fall. I have decided I want to just live life for a while. And figure out what I really want to do with it before I spend a fortune on an education.

Fifth I need to get back to Onderland myself. I hate climbing on the scale and seeing it say fatass. So I need to come up with some kind of plan of action! So I am going to do a couple of hours of research and then I will update this post as to what my plan is.

Randomness

So about a week ago I went to my friends work and picked up a bunch of supplements. Just the standard multivitamin, hemp oil (for all my omega's), a protein supplement, and an antioxidant supplement. All in an attempt to make everyone think that I am trying to be healthier. Now for a couple days I was, but I just can't do it. On some level I think that I want to be sick, that maybe people will actually care about me if I'm sick. But the rational part of me screams out to be normal.

Looking back I strongly believe my disordered eating started about 7 years ago, when I became a vegetarian. I cut out meats because 1) It was eating those cute animals, and 2) it decreases your risk of heart disease by 35%. That was the first conscious thing I did for my health. Before I just wanted to be healthy. But when kids keep picking on you because of your weight, something changes. And it isn't about being healthy anymore. It's about becoming thin. It's about becoming what society expects. It's about becoming better than everyone.

I'm considering doing ABC.... but I haven't decided if I want to do that, or just go with restricting. What do you guys think?

Life and Death

Well I am fucked. I had a friend who told me I could tell her anything and she would rather die than betray me. Well guess what she told my sister everything. So now what? I'm so stressed right now I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. To put that on top? What the hell is the point in even living if I don't have anyone that I trust? I don't know what to do.

Whining

The last couple days have been both good and bad. I have been restricting successfully, and when I go over board I have been purging (when did I start purging?). I have also starting working out more, all in an attempt to be worthy of him. Thursday will likely be the last time I see him (Peter) for 4 months, and I will get thinner and be prettier so I deserve him. Not that I ever could deserve him, I'm not good enough. Yet at the same time I don't know if I can live that long not seeing him. When I'm around him I feel like all my pain is gone, the hurt is gone, like everything is going to be alright. And as soon as I leave I feel all that hurt and pain come back, and I just want to die.

On a side note I am becoming a Winter Girl.... not sure if I like the idea but I'm willing to go with it... for now.



And now another exerpt from Winter Girls by: Laurie Halse Anderson.


::Stupid/ugly/stupid/bitch/stupid/fat/
stupid/baby/stupid/loser/stupid/lost::

They gave me rules for moments like this:
1. Identify the feeling
2. Recite magic incantations affirmations, reread
life goals, meditate on positive thoughts.
3. Call therapist if negative self-talk continues.
4. Maintain required caloric intake and hydration.
5. Avoid excessive exercise, and alcohol or drug
abuse.
6. Click heels together three times, and repeat,
"There's no place like home, there's no place like
home, there's no place like home." A tornado will
be along momentarily to whisk you away to safety.
Or a house might drop on your head.

Nothing works nothing ever works it just keeps kill-
ing me from the inside I lay on the floor for a couple hun-
dred crunches, until sweat pools in my belly button.

New Rules:
1. 800 calories a day, max, 500 preferred.
2. A day starts at dinner. If they make me eat with
them, stuff in enough to keep them off my back.
Restrict during the next day to make up for it.
3. If no breakfast, take the bus to school.
3a. Better--walk.
3b. Bst--don't go.
4. Restart exercise program.
5. Sleep with the lights on until they bury her.

Razor Blade Feelings

So I realize I haven't been posting much or reading anyones blogs and I feel bad about that but I just don't have the time. I just don't even know what to say, I've been hurting so much lately. I've started cutting again, which scares me because I hadn't done it for years and now here I am back to square one. I just feel so useless, and helpless, and not good enough. I feel like I don't even deserve to live. Yet here I am. In a haze one night I carved "Not Perfect" into my left thigh, from just below my hip to just above me knee. It scares me but it comforts me.

I'm hoping to get myself a bit more together soon....

March 9/09

So March isn't a good month for me. On the 9th of March 2009, my graduating year of high school, one of my friends couldn't handle everything that was going on anymore and took a gun to his head. Now that it is getting close to that day, my life starts falling apart. It's the time of year when I go back to cutting, when air is enough, and when I just want to smoke like nobody's business.

But I have to be strong, make sure that no one know's I'm hurting.... but all I want to do is curl up in a ball and cry. I just don't know what to do right now that doesn't hurt.